Category Archives: Uncategorized

4 weeks of school left in this sink hole of life

Whoa,
Today is my last day of clinical. (hopefully if I pass my exam tomorrow).
I have been at a Peds/OB hospital all month and it is very overwhelming.
I am scared. I am exhausted. I just want a job. It is frustrating when you have to walk away from a site with no definite guarantee of a job after you spent all your time and money on your education.
I have been really depressed lately to be honest. I just wish I could get out of this. I just want to lay down next to my mom. I miss her. She always made me feel like everything would be alright. I literally still reach for my phone, scroll to the favorites in my contacts and look at her name before I forget that I cannot call her. If she was here, I would legitimately feel like everything would be ok. My birthday is in 6 weeks and Seth’s is in 9 weeks. On my birthday mom will have been gone for 6 months. Im just not ready to lose my memories of her. My worst fear is: since my mom died while I was so young, Im scared Ill forget what it was like to have her around, or her smell, or touch, or how she played with Brea. Every day it all fades a little more and no one understands. I go to clinical and no one knows, I hang out with friends and no one sees it. I just want to move somewhere, in the middle of no where, and start over life. Pretend like none of it happened. Im still young enough right?
I guess maybe I put a little too much hope in school that it would fill this ginormous mess in my life and now that it is falling though, I see what I obviously knew from the start. School will do nothing for my life. My employment will not matter in this life. It will not bring back anyone. It will not make me feel happier. All it is doing is dragging me further into this pit every time I am let down with the absence of a job.
I have worked really hard. I have been really stressed. I would just like 1 thing to go right and have 1 person root for me. Im sort of missing those things. Just 1 I ask for… It will probably never happen but Momma always told me “Life is not fair Hollie”. Now I see why.
No one loves you unconditionally except for God of course and in that you cannot put any hope in man, in anyone. Do no put your hopes of feeling accepted into anyone. I don’t think other people are concerned about you feeling accepted anyways.
It is nice to completely spew my guts out to someone who will not talk back to me :).
It is probably just depression but sometimes I feel like I should get the right to be depressed here and there. I never get to grieve because I always have to be the rock.

31 days is too long to not talk to your momma.

It has been one month since I have gotten to talk to my momma. As the month has gone on it has become much harder because it is hitting me that she is not coming back. It is the worst feeling, to know that you cannot just call your best friend anymore. I think this month has been worse because I am back on clinicals and I was only back a day from clinicals before my mom passed away. At my last clinical I called my mom every day on my way home and talked to her for an hour. It felt good to hear her voice and get her approval and encouragement. Now I feel so insecure because I drive home from clinical and get depressed thinking about all the things I may have not done right and I get frustrated that I have no confidence. I know I shouldn’t have but isn’t it the human in us to find peace in our moms? Even when she was so sick she sort of made me forget that I have fear. She always told me that I was brave and just go get things done when they need to be done but I only did it because of her, because I wanted to see her smile, get her approval, find comfort in her happiness. Now I have a very very hard time finding comfort. or happiness. I don’t like talking about it too much because I’m sure people get sick of hearing it but the feelings are so overwhelming. It is something you cant explain. I keep remembering when I was first pregnant with Seth and it was the first time I had the flu as an adult, my mom drove 30 minutes to my house, brought soup and Gatorade and laid down with me the whole day, wiped my head, helped me bathe, She was still my momma. I am most distraught that I will have no one for those moments now. It has been a very emotional week. I miss her. I don’t have a lot of excitement to move forward at all…. but I have to. Im a mom. It is frustrating, I just want it to be me sometimes so I can lay down and sleep and cry and not be bothered but Im sure this will pass.

I am at an OB/childrens hospital this month (for those of you who need catching up on my schooling). I have 4 months left of school- 2 of those months are clinicals, 1 of those months are a class, and 1 of those months is our review for graduation. It has been hectic but Im ready for it to end. This waking up at 4AM is killing me. Praying that I get all of my OB numbers this month so I can go where I want to go for my last month of clinicals. 

A year in the making

Christmas time is here. And my baby will be one on the 28th.

I was just looking at pictures and I cannot believe it at all. My little baby… I remember the day I had her and holding her, her looking into my eyes- there was no other feeling in the world that could replace that. Wow a year ago to this day I was so excited. I was walking miles every night to get my contractions going, I was up late at night with heartburn – sitting up watching tv till 3AM. I was wobbling and sore and sick. I was so excited that being a mom was right around the corner. I did not know what was ahead of me.

financial expenses,

sleeples nights,

screaming fits,

rashes,

first crawl,

first words,

daycare,

doctors,

The things I never knew that I would experience… it is crazy. This little girl has changed my life. I wish I could go back to that day that I first met her. I want to feel that love for her forever. I hope that my mom skills grow every day and I hope that I can influence Brea to be a sweet and caring person who loves Jesus. I hope that she sees how hard Im working and I hope she knows that I will always love her, even when I take things away from her, or ground her, or say no to her first date. I love her and I want the absolute best and nothing else.  All of her firsts are coming to an end. This is her last first Holiday- Christmas… I cannot believe it. I never would have imagined having a baby that was grown up. <3.

Ive been so busy I have not gotten to take pictures so hopefully it happens very soon so I can add them to this post.

 

The most meaningful motherhood moment I have yet to experience

I know that I just blogged yesterday but was moved to tears tonight and still am and I need to write this down so I can remember forever. 

After an exhausting day I came home from a late day at school and went straight to pick Brea up from daycare. She was ok as long as I was holding her but tonight she did not want to eat dinner or drink anything, She just whined and whined. I almost pulled my hair out and started to cry a little when I put her to bed because she wouldn’t stop. Brea almost always goes straight to sleep when I put her in bed, she never cries for more than a minute or two. after 20 minutes I finally went into her room and did something I have only done about twice since she was born. I rocked her in the rocking chair. 

The last time I had to do this she could barely lift her head. 

I think she knew that I needed her tonight. As annoyed as I felt when I first walked in the room, it all went away when she lifted her arms up and gripped me with all of her life as I picked her up out of the crib. I sat down and rocked away in the chair and she just hummed and rubbed her hand against my arm like she was petting me. When she settled down enough she stopped making noise and just sighed with relief. She was laying on one arm but she pulled it out from underneath her and wrapped bother of her arms around me, as wide as they would stretch. She hugged me so tight and did not let go.Then she lifted her head and stared at me with her giant eyes and smiled and laid her head back down on my chest. She can barely talk but she told me she loved me without having to say it out loud. My beautiful baby already has a heart. She knew I had a long day. She just patted her hand against my chest as I cried a little bit. I have never experienced a moment like this before. A moment where neither of us had an agenda but to love each other. I didnt want it to end.  My sweet baby girl is almost one year old and tonight we just needed each other. She didnt fall asleep but she was content when I laid her back in bed. She laid her head down, grabbed her blanky, and waved bye bye to me.

Wow, I cant explain how special that was. My baby doll is always waving her arms at me to tell me that she is too big to be held like a baby but tonight she let me do it for a long time and she just loved on me without saying a word or batting at me. 

Special. There is no other words.

This is the exact, EXACT dream I had of Seth. Maybe that is why my heart is pouring out. I literally could close my eyes and see him right there, that same situation with him was all I have dreamed about for a long time. Just holding him so he would know that mamma really did want to take away all of the pain. To let him just rest while mamma makes it all better. 

Thank God for my little angels.

OB1 class and other things

Its been a while. School is a roller coaster lol. We are finally getting into OB, what I want to do. As I come full circle and realize that this is where I want to be, I am terrified. I am scared to see some of the things that we are learning about. It is not just about women who are having healthy babies or stillborn babies, its also about women who are having very unhealthy babies, or women who are at risk to lose their lives. It is real. It is scary. 

I wish I would have had all of my children before this class because it is the scariest thing to know every single thing that could possibly go wrong because of one small mishap. I have seriously considered not having any more children which makes me sad because I love Brea and Seth with all of my heart and I want so bad to see another baby of mine here in this world. I never wanted just one child. I do desire to adopt one day but i dont know what Ill do. I guess I have plenty of time to decide, it is just amazing how a woman can get through a pregnancy and be fine with all that could happen. 

Every day I ask myself if I am doing the right thing. I am putting my family and I through the ringer and its quite the emotional roller coaster. I just continue to hold on to the hope that this is the field God led me and He will place me where he needs. Im very excited about what Im learning and this is what I want to do. I’ve never been so passionate. I cant wait till school is over.

 

Brea is funny now.10 months. She can pull herself up to stand against things. She eats a lot, LOVES fruit and cheerios! she talks alot. She can carry on a whole conversation in baby talk lol. She is developing an attitude. I can certainly tell when she is hungry, happy, tired, mad. She smiles 98% of the day and loves everyone! I dont see how anyone could not smile when they look at her. 

I have a new camera and have been dying to get good at taking pictures (mainly for the sake of having cute pictures of Brea lol. Today Im going out with a friend to practice. It is soooo nice to have a day off of school. Taking pictures= the most relaing thing I have ever done. I still miss art and I wish so bad that I had time and skill to pick it back up. I miss the release it gave me. 

Talk at you later. Miss my time for blogging like I used to

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It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,

Momma.

https://mrscopelands.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/in-the-beginning/

3 years of blogging? How did that occur?

Wow… I just randomly got on today and saw that I have had a blog for 3 years today! I cannot believe it!… I think I have only been active for 2 years really though. 

I was just thinking, I need to blog again :). 

I am SUPER busy with school but it is so worth it! I am learning so much. This week we touched on female pelvis and babies. I had a little bit of anxiety for a few minutes and thank goodness it passed. This time of year is my favorite as I have mentioned in the past but it is about now where I start getting anxiety. 

My baby’s birthday is coming up, my birthday, my husbands,moms, all of the holidays, and then my daughters first birthday a few days after Christmas…Its all going to be a huge rush of months now.

It has been stressful between school and life in the last few months but I have to keep going. I am also realizing that I have been so blessed. I have a job, a baby, an amazing education (that is in process lol). I have so much to be thankful for. 

Next month is my hardest class and the 25th is Seth’s birthday. I am so sad just thinking about it approaching. How will I handle it in school? Will I have anyone to talk to that actually cares? …. There are just so many feelings. Should I go visit the cemetery, will I be able to function around Brea. The feelings just never go away. Every year it is the same. And every day it is a struggle to be ok with what happened. 

I am glad in a way that I have a day every year to remind me of how much joy Seth brought to our family and how he pulled us together. This is his day every year and it will always be his day!

I must remember to thank God through and through for my health, my family, my food, my shelter, my life.  It may not have been the way I wanted it, but it is the way it was meant to be. And it is this way for a reason. With this said, God will take care of everything. 

He says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Rest is what I need to do (and study lol). 

P.s.- I passed my state board SPI physics exam and am officially 1/2 licensed for ultrasound.  Bring on the rest of school so I can get my job!

extra p.s. – lol… heres my baby doll

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