It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,

Momma.

https://mrscopelands.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/in-the-beginning/

Bring your burdens to me

I dont even know where to begin…

While everyone is worried about their appearance, their schoolwork, their night out on the town, other people are living in a world of chaos. You really never know how someone feels. It is so heartbreaking.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no one to talk to, No one that even cares what is happening in your life, No one that even asks- My momma always taught me one thing.  That it does not matter. God sees your every move. He sees you crying. He has bottled up every tear that has come out of your eyes. He is listening. There are times when you wonder when you will finally hear Him.

When will He call you.

It is here.

Be quiet.

Shhhhh…

listen.

This is my prayer.
I wish I had someone who knew. Who understood. Im not scared for me or my family. I just hurt because my mom hurts. I want her to feel better so bad. I want her healed. I want her pain free. This is the woman who gave me everything to get where I am. She provided me with every tool I ever needed in life and every idea to believe that I can do WHATEVER I want to do. No one else could have made me who I am because no one could have encouraged me to keep going like she has. No one has ever encouraged me like she is. Every time I ever doubted myself she reversed that doubt. No one has ever… ever…. ever cared for me the way my mom is caring for me still today. No one will ever know the friendship my mom has provided me with. When I literally have no friends, she is my friend. When I have friends, she is my friend. I look up to every way she has handled every situation. For the bravest and most intelligent woman I know, there is no reason God will not heal her. God, you have told me plenty of times that you are in control. You are. You have plans for us to prosper. I pray for complete healing, miraculous healing, unquestionable healing. Healing that will make this doctor believe in You. I pray for zero pain. For an overly well functioning body, soul, and mind. There is no God like you. There is no friend like you. There is no comfort like you. When we feel like not one person truthfully feels what we feel, remind us that you do and that you are taking care of it so we can show others in the future what true love feels like. Give us strength, give us hope, give us healing.

Tonight it is going to be very hard to study because I would rather be fasting and praying. While I will pray fervently, I hate that school would get in my way at all.

Tonight Im going to close my eyes and pray for every person who does not know where the next corner will take them, pray that they find peace and a true loving friend.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Aside

I am soooo close to vacation! I get one week every four months to have off of school (4 of those days are off of work too!). It cannot come soon enough. I am stressing so bad. The only super depressing thing is that Brea can’t come with us and I am scared to leave her… I actually am having really bad anxiety about it tonight. I know that she will be fine but I will miss her.

Tomorrow is my weekly scan test and thursday is our final scan test and Friday is my final for my last class of my freshman “year”…. Im dreading tomorrows scan test cause it is on veins and arteries (I have no interest in working in vascular… at all). I am super slow at it, confused by it, and dont have a strong arm to stay on the vessels long enough. But- it has to be done so I will do it… hopefully I will pass lol.

I honestly am just excited to sleep a little bit once this crazy week is over. I am so sleep deprived that I have been acting odd lol.

Nothing too exciting has been going on except I miss spending time with my family. Cant wait to graduate…. 1 more year.

3 years of blogging? How did that occur?

Wow… I just randomly got on today and saw that I have had a blog for 3 years today! I cannot believe it!… I think I have only been active for 2 years really though. 

I was just thinking, I need to blog again :). 

I am SUPER busy with school but it is so worth it! I am learning so much. This week we touched on female pelvis and babies. I had a little bit of anxiety for a few minutes and thank goodness it passed. This time of year is my favorite as I have mentioned in the past but it is about now where I start getting anxiety. 

My baby’s birthday is coming up, my birthday, my husbands,moms, all of the holidays, and then my daughters first birthday a few days after Christmas…Its all going to be a huge rush of months now.

It has been stressful between school and life in the last few months but I have to keep going. I am also realizing that I have been so blessed. I have a job, a baby, an amazing education (that is in process lol). I have so much to be thankful for. 

Next month is my hardest class and the 25th is Seth’s birthday. I am so sad just thinking about it approaching. How will I handle it in school? Will I have anyone to talk to that actually cares? …. There are just so many feelings. Should I go visit the cemetery, will I be able to function around Brea. The feelings just never go away. Every year it is the same. And every day it is a struggle to be ok with what happened. 

I am glad in a way that I have a day every year to remind me of how much joy Seth brought to our family and how he pulled us together. This is his day every year and it will always be his day!

I must remember to thank God through and through for my health, my family, my food, my shelter, my life.  It may not have been the way I wanted it, but it is the way it was meant to be. And it is this way for a reason. With this said, God will take care of everything. 

He says, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Rest is what I need to do (and study lol). 

P.s.- I passed my state board SPI physics exam and am officially 1/2 licensed for ultrasound.  Bring on the rest of school so I can get my job!

extra p.s. – lol… heres my baby doll

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quick post

I only have a few minutes before Im off to school but I thought I would check in and rant for a second.

Alot has been going on.

Seth has been on my mind a lot lately. Mainly because Im starting to realize that our town is so small and I am now finding other women who have experienced stillbirth at the same birthing center that I went to. I feel a lot of hatred toward that birthing center and wish I could put them out of business because she obviously is not giving the proper care for babies since multiple people now share my story from the same facility. It is hard to speak up in the community too because some women are so gung ho for natural waterbirths that they look past the statistics (or are lied to). The midwife actually told me that I was the first stillbirth she had ever had at her business. In the last month I have had several women confront me saying that the same thing happened to  them and they were told the same thing. I just feel bad that the women who do not know our stories are still referring others to this facility. Every chance I see it on facebook, I try to private message people who were referred there and share our stories (women of the community) because it breaks my heart that so many have gone through this and sit in the dark.

^ this really has had me emotional lately but I am trying to move on, I cannot change my past.

off to school… were tested on the brain today (I hate the brain out of all organs ughhh)

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

truths in real life

Today I was having a rough day. It is easy to get very overwhelmed and burdened by the things of this world. It is easy to forget that I need to let small things make me happy. Driving in the car is when I have enough time to myself to think about everything. It is the most dangerous time of the day for my emotions. All I could think about today was my dear momma. I just want her to feel better and there is no other way for me to express how bad I want that then to just try and fix everything, which I can’t. But God can. God is bigger than all of this and He will show himself. 

I started to have a pity party. Why would God take my dad, why would He take my son- my baby, why would He allow cancer to exist and why would He not stop one of His faithful, my momma, to be exempt from it. Why do other 21 year olds not have these problems. Sometimes it’s hard to walk around in this world, go to class and work, and not have anyone to talk to about it. It is easy to feel like I am the only one going through this. What is harder is to know that actually my life right now is going good when someone else out there is sick, or hungry, or homeless. I just feel so torn. I guess I am the type that I want to know why. Why God did you pick this for us? Why do these naive young girls not have a clue what life is really about. Why are there cliques, why is there pain.

I think it is important to remember that God has a will for us. A plan for us. Not to hurt us, but for us to be prosperous and happy. He wants me to need Him… I do. I need him. I just need reminded. You have my attention father. Im awake. Fill me up and give me the power to speak your power into others.

 

I love Brea but I really do miss Seth with all of my heart and it is hard to think about living without the people that I love, but he has us here for a reason. He’ll reveal that to me later. 

I am doing really well in ultrasound school (well at least the bookwork, lol, I need some more scanning practice). It is the best thing I have done for myself. So exciting.

Brea will be 20 weeks old… 4.5 months old on Friday. She has a small cold so she has been a little sick I feel bad for her but hopefully she starts feeling better soon. 

I am really grateful for all that I have been blessed with and I just want to end with that. I will never forget all of the blessings that I have received.