We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.
This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.
What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.
I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.
Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, anxious, Death, family, fearless, fearlessness, friends, God, health, Home, Infant Loss, jesus, peace, Stillbirth, stillborn
I find myself watching TLC a lot of mornings, there are some sad and interesting shows about children with disabilities.
Although no one wishes that for their child and I pray that God gives me a very healthy baby, there is no way I could not love a child who had a disability. I tried to tell a friend once before they had a baby, the love for your child is so overwhelming. Its something that you have never felt before. You will never feel this much love for anyone else. It changes your life.
A child is a gift and no matter what they look like or how they are born, they are your pride and joy, special, beautiful.
I told Steven last night. I have anxiety about this pregnancy of course. I have a hard time moving already (which means housework dosnt always get done, which means some people arent happy since this isnt all our house), I get lightheaded, Im nervous about our very tight living quarters. I itch all of the time. I am just nervous. Although I wish I had some more days off work, I could not live without work keeping my mind busy right now.
Thankfully Steven has been helping me with cleaning a lot and making food at night. He has been nesting lol. Im so happy that he is subtly telling me that he is happy about the baby. He rubs my belly at night when I come home from work, he cleans the house when I dont say anything. Im thankful.
I hope work goes by fast tonight. I have to work in the ER. My hips hurt so bad and its painful to walk..
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Rainbow baby, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, child, Children, Disability, family, health, help, Home, husband, love, Parent, Pregnancy, thankful, TLC, Work
count it today that I start full fledged morning sickness. This time its earlier than the last pregnancy. I am so greatful for it because then I know that things are ok. It does make me feel disgusting though. I just got out of the shower and felt sick like BAM so I tried to eat a hard boiled egg (i notice eating protein in the morning makes me feel better), I couldnt stomach it :(. So Im eating mac and cheese 😦 but its not doing so hot either. I really want to take care of rainbow but this stage is coming on full fledge. I have my midterm this morning and I have to be there for all 4 hours of class so wish me luck… I just feel it, that wont be the last time my food comes up today.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School
Tagged anxiety, anxious, health, Morning sickness, Nausea, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, vomit
I need to write. I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed today. Im 100% sure that its pregnancy hormones, I had to same anxious problems with Seth’s pregnancy. I really hope it goes away. Im itching, Im fidgiting, my mind is racing. I am all nervous cause my physics midterm is tomorrow. I feel like throwing up cause Im having morning sickness… Im not complaining, I love every bit of it but Im scared of being anxious.
Last night I had bad stomach cramps and I laid there crying thinking, oh Lord Im going to go through this all over again. Im going to have a baby, be in pain for hours… I should not let my mind take over like that, I cant wait till my cousin gives me my hypnobirthing CD’s back so I can relax myself a little more. Im just so nervous about going through all this pain again and being anxious for a whole nine months again from my crazy hormones.
God be with me and calm my nerves,
and upset stomach :).
Stay safe rainbow.
P.s. Happy mothers day. It was great. My sister got me chocolate covered strawberries, and money to go towards my 4 D ultrasound so I can get in on a DVD!!! Im so excited!!! and I got a BEAUTIFUL blooming cactus from my momma. It wasnt easy, I cried a lot today, but I made it through. Happy mothers day, especially to all of you angel mothers out there today- even if you dont have a rainbow- you are a mom, a beautiful mom!
Posted in anxiety, Family, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, child, Children, DVD, family, health, Holiday, Holidays, Home, Hormone, mom, Morning sickness, mothers day, physics, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, rainbow baby, school, sister, ultrasound
Good thoughts, good thoughts lol. Im just all paranoid and freaked out. I called this new OB that I was recommended to see by someone who has the same condition as me. Of course Doctors are too good to talk to their … Continue reading
This amazes me as much as it does you. IM PREGNANT! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Ok so I’m very excited and so so happy, there is nothing more that I have wanted and it could not have happened at a better time. I am very leery of letting people know but I splurged it on facebook today because Steven was mad that I wasnt telling people. I guess that is good to hear from him but I dont think he knows the terrifying feeling that I have. I am TERRIFIED that something may go wrong. I am only 4 weeks and 2 days but as my husband told me, what matters if you lost the baby at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, people will find out.We live in a close knit town and go to a close knit church and have lets just say, blabber mouth friends tehehe. And this is true, so while this is real and while this is happening I want to celebrate! with all of my insane mood swings and tears, with every ounce of indigestion, with every gas bubble, belly ache, and yes- with every vomit filled morning – I welcome you my rainbow* angel baby! You are the center of my world right now (well, Im still thinking of physics too for about 3 more weeks lol).
What I am scared of – I have MTHFR. This could mean my blood could clot and deprive angel baby of needed bloodflow. So I PRAY with all of my might that every day God will breathe into this baby and give it the life that it needs to meet me in 36 weeks.
I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask a few questions. Someone at work who also has MTHFR saw this doctor and said he is the best around and after looking him up online there was not 1 bad review out of every review written (that is a miracle for doctors around here lol).
I need to ask
1. Will I see Dr.F every time when I come in since this is a large practice?
2. Do I come in earlier than recommended because Ive had a previous stillbirth?
3. Do I need to be taking asprin while waiting for my first visit so my blood is not clotted to the baby?
4.What are your hours?
I need to ask the Dr.
1. Am I high risk?
2. Will I be on blood thinners?
3. Will there be any extra monitering?
4. My blood pressure was high, I stopped taking my medicines and its back to normal, should I still be taking the meds or should I just be keeping a record?
5. Why have I been itching on and off for a year? Is it more than stress, I have a suspicion of what it could be since it falls in line with MTHFR mutations but I dont want to freak myself out, how have my past blood works turned out or is there new blood work to make sure that I am ok?
Yes… Im doing this because back to the note-taking it is. Pregnancy brain (fuzziness) has already set in and I have sticky notes with things to do laying all over the house.
OH AND- I bought one of these babies!-
The Sonoline B fetal doppler! I heard its great and I think it will make me feel more at ease, these are must have things for women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. I read awesome reviews and it looks like ussually around 9 weeks is when you can hear with this doppler and it shows you the heart rate on the screen = <3.
Ok… I cant think straight lol, Im going to finish studying for my test tomorrow and soak it in and I am more than anxious about talking to the doctors office tomorrow.
Stay safe rainbow baby
*for those of you who do not know: women who have lost a baby and then have another often refer to the following living baby as a rainbow baby.
Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.*
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, MTHFR, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, blood, child, Children, clotting, Death, doctor, family, fetal doppler, happy, health, Home, Im pregnant, Infant Loss, Loss, MTHFR, OBGYN, Pregnancy, questions, rainbow baby, scared, Sonoline B, Stillbirth, stillborn
Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.
Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.
Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.
So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!
This is an excerpt from this site
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.
Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Abraham, Abram, anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, Bible, Children, Christian, Christianity, Death, family, Girl Talk, God, Hagar, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, Ishmael, jesus, love, period, pms, Pregnancy, Sarah, sick, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife
Yesterday was Steven’s business Christmas party. I didnt really want to go. All of the Christmas decor and children and happy people. I just wanted to sit by myself. I wished people would have stopped talking to me. Santa came to the party to surprise the kids… I stood in the back as all the kids went up and got their presents and were “wowed” at Santas appearance. When santa left, the kids ripped open their presents. One 3 year old boy ran up to his dad and said “Look dad!”. It was a play toy shaving kit with toy story characters on it. The dad pulled out all the stuff in it and showed the little boy how to use it. He began to “shave” his bare skin with a giant smile on his face. He giggled. I said “look Steven, hes so cute”. Just as I finished I spun around and lost it. I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I dug My face in Stevens arm and just cried till I could control myself. We walked to the side of the house. All I could think about is how that could have been my little boy. Smiling into his daddy’s eyes, wanting to be just like him- shaving and tractor riding and running in circles in the yard. But it wasnt my son. It wasnt my life. This wasnt my dream. It hurts so bad to just see children. I cant stand it. Every time I see a little boy my throat closes up and my eyes water. I cant stand it. That could have been my son.
The night calmed down and people left eventually and I had a little bit of time to just breathe and not see any kids thankfully.
I came home last night and spent four hours making my first hairband!
Its beautiful :). I stayed up till 1:30 AM making it but I love it and I wore it to church this morning… I should have taken a picture of that :). SO…. I have my first customer buying a headband for someone ❤ – Thanks ADAM PAUL HANNERS!!! I stinking love learning all this crocheting stuff.
Heres some coasters I made. You can tell which were my first ones and which ones I did last lol
Ive still been itching and feeling a little crazy. Just tired and emotional and anxious. Was supposed to start my period 4 days ago but idk,..Im not pregnant, took a test…. Wish I was, but we have a long time till that happens.
Gotta get ready for choir
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxious, boy, child, Children, Christmas, Christmas and holiday season, coaster, corchet, emotional, family, hairband, Santa Claus