Tag Archives: Bible

Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

Girl talk only

Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.

Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.

Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.

So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!

This is an excerpt from this site

http://bible.org/seriespage/yes-my-lord%E2%80%94-ithe-story-abraham-and-sarahi

 “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.

Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.

Tell the world

Ok so today is another random post filled with all of my messy thoughts into one giant .. thing :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Its hard to see but my baby sister is going to college! I’m so proud of her. She is working so hard and doing so well. I cant believe that it is time and she is all grown up. I want to cry lol. Congratulations Courtney! You are beautiful and funny and fantastic and you will succeed. You will do good things. You will be just fine :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Lets start with the most important of all. My mom sent me this video. Its just amazing.

I cant seem to get the video to post 😦 but here is the link.

http://www.jesus-loves-you.org/?p=1913&utm_source=jly&utm_medium=fb&utm_term=video&utm_content=FiresOfHell&utm_campaign=11-2-11_9am

This is amazing. God gives you a second chance- TAKE IT! I just cant believe how real it all is. Life is just a vapor. Do we really sit and squander over such simple things, why? This woman’s story reminded me of the passage in the Bible from Luke 16:19-31:

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’ 25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ 27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ 29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’ 30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ 31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’ 

Holy smokes- I want to tell the world! Follow Him, He’s sweet and tender and gives everlasting peace. Why would you not want to try Jesus out? The world often reminds me of the girl who has a sweet gentle man who asks her out and she continually says “no, were better off as friends” while she turns to the man who beats her, belittles her, and treats her of no value.

I also want to tell the world- THERE IS HOPE, lol. Thanks to a bloggers comment I have been researching MTHFR polymorphism even more. What is most exciting is that the pieces are coming together and it all makes sense. The migraines, the “mini-strokes” as a child that the doctors deemed “anxiety”, the severe anxiety and tint of depression, the mood swings, the fuzziness, the cramps, the midwife telling me my folic acid was low at my last appointment in which Seth was still alive (hoping I would get the hint), the cord blood clot- IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Its this little guy right here  ^. World, meet methylfolate.  MTHFR is the enzyme needed to process folate (also called folic acid, a B vitamin found in many vegetables, grains and supplements) and allows it into the brain. Folate in the brain is the necessary building block for many neurotransmitters (including serotonin), which helps regulate our MOODS! My body is not getting regular folic acid from food. I need it in it’s active form folate. My body cannot function up to par like the rest of yours out there because this one piece is missing. This piece can prevent psychiatric disorders, heart disease, and other blood disorders. AMAZING. CAN I TELL THE WORLD? By taking folate and asprin I may be able to carry a baby full term if it’s God’s will! WHOA! I know there are risks to everything but Seth gave me the gift of finding out about this disorder so I can start helping myself live healthier now. Whether I’m pregnant or not, its good for my brain. If you could not take in water but you knew you needed it so you found a way to take it when you were pregnant, would you only take it when you were pregnant?- NO, you would take it every day because its essential and you cant life without it! Same with this for me. There is a reason God made this little Folate enzyme- so that it will work where its supposed to! So I went and bought this

Ada’s only had 4 bottles and the lady said this is the first time shes ever seen it there, they must have just gotten it in (for me :D).

Heres some info on the importance of MTHFR

 and here is the nutrition label.

ANYWAYS- I think its amazing that I MAY feel better because of this, I cant wait to try it out.

Next on my list of things to do today was go to the cemetery and visit with my son.

It was a beautiful day. Nice and warm but a gentle breeze, enough to keep me from being too hot. I cant help but notice the big green tents that are set up for grave site services. Every time I go in I count. Today there were 2. One was across the way from Seth’s grave.

I sat on the ground next to Seth’s grave and prayed for the family. I just sat there. I let the breeze blow in my face. I looked at the sun. I listened to the mowing, the cars driving by, the birds chirping. It was a beautiful day. Seth’s grave is starting to set in and sink some…. I can’t wait till his headstone comes. Its so barren and I don’t like it. I want to have flowers or something, anything. It should be here in a month or two.


In this last photo, you can see, right in the middle crevice of that tree there is a little tiny baby tree growing from the middle. Hmm, so sweet. This big momma tree right next to Seth’s grave was holding her little baby tree.  That wasn’t there before. [I know because I admire and sit next to and stare at that tree every time I visit.]

When I got home I tried to play with the dogs.. Aida just has too much energy. For those of you who havnt met my beautiful BABY – 1 year old Aida- here she is 🙂

She is the biggest most beautiful 1 year old blue eyed baby a momma could ever ask for! BUT – seriously, she has ADHD, she cannot sit still for anything. I could not get any pictures cause she was runing around like a crazy thing out there.

I would pay the best photographer to get 3 good shots out of this hyper polar bear! lol, She was just every where and she looks like a retard in all of her pictures <3.

Then there is Taz, the old grumpy man that doesn’t want Aida to mess with him hehe…

These two are so funny to watch together.

So that is the story of my life. And with 0 dollars in my bank account, I will now go cook what is left in the fridge so I don’t have to buy food at work for the rest of the week. Wish me luck. I SUCK at cooking.

Press On

Today was just another beautiful day. I did not sleep well last night, I guess its cause Steven was not here. I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore but now that work is back on track for him, its back to the routine of being alone again week after week.

Work was interesting… I had a few hard moments today.

1) in the elevator a transporter asked me how the baby was… I replied “he passed away”. He said, “You had him and he passed away”… “Yes”, I said. This look of complete horror filled his face and as he spit out the words “I’m sorry” I ran out of the elevator as soon as it opened.

What do you say to people? “Oh its OK…”…. No it’s not, I’m not going to say that. I’m tired of telling people that it’s OK and trying to comfort them for feeling stupid for asking. I know he didn’t know but why should I have to comfort you for bringing it up…

2) I walked to the ER to help the other tech down there and as I stood at the plug in where my machine was and booted it up, a tiny baby was crying right behind me. The mom was lulling the baby in her arms and baby talking. I wanted to turn around and yell at her to go to her room and close the door instead of walking around the halls like an idiot, traumatizing me. Of course I just sat there with my mouth closed and once the machine booted up and unplugged it and walked away.

I guess those were the only two times… If there were more they weren’t traumatizing enough for me to remember to write about it tonight.

I walked by these old men tonight in the lobby when I was going to check a machine on the other side of the hospital. There are three of them that sit there every night and do a Bible study with there giant old man print Bibles and big concordances. They are adorable and they are not ashamed. I love it. I sometimes walk out towards the lobby just to see them. They don’t know that I sit from afar and admire them. I know it sounds creepy but you just don’t see unashamed faith like that anymore. I was going to take a picture of them to include in this blog- but that would have been even more creepier :).

As you can see, the pencils are pointing to what was done (the left) and what needed to be done (the right)… *sigh… I was the only one who edited on top of doing actual EKG’s( and homework and reading, lol) so that little stack on the left was A LOT, it took me well over two hours to do that and when I got done, I was not doing any more by myself. I’ll have to pick up where I left off on Thursday when I go in.

This was my homework I actually did a little bit of today. (The left side green stuff is for this week… LOTS of reading)

Here is the book I’m reading. It’s so beautiful. I will definitely write about it once I am done with it. Angie talks about the story of Lazarus from Mary and Martha’s perspective and it is such an eye opener on how I deal with the death of Seth.

OK… here’s some hospital advice. I don’t know about other hospitals but for ours, if you are new -you wear a green tagged name badge for your first 90 days so people know that you are new without you having to wear a giant pin that says “HI I’M NEW” in the hospital, nothing freaks a patient out more than telling them that.  I’ve been wearing my badge since June so I was due for a new one at the end of August but no one knew where to find a clear badge. It’s honestly kind of nice wearing the new badge because it’s an excuse for everything :). Today one of the echo techs came in the office and I asked him if he had any clear badges and to my lovely surprise- he pulled out like fifty and gave me one for my name badge :D.

Pretty sad… the highlight of my day was getting this clear badge lol.

When I went home the sky was beautiful…

Ok, so it looks better in person lol.

I am sad. I have tomorrow off work but that means that I work for like the next 9 days straight, Ugh I wont get to see Steven at all when he’s home this weekend. We need his income bad but I hate that he works out of town. I want to be with him so bad.

I got married so young but I am super attached now and its hard. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. Its good and bad. Good that our relationship is that good, bad that I have anxiety because I have to go grocery shopping by myself and actually have to make decisions lol. It kind of stinks, working away makes things harder to have babies, not that Steven wants to yet … but I do… I need to see a doctor first anyways, and take L-methylfolate, and asprin (daily, for a long time pre-pregnancy). UGH, what fun is pregnancy when you really have to plan it out and be all nervous. Oh well, I guess I have a while to think since Steven’s no where near ready to try again 😥

How did I seriously write a blog this long about nothing???