Tag Archives: birthday

It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,

Momma.

https://mrscopelands.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/in-the-beginning/

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.

Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom! Today was my mom’s wonderful birthday! Thank you for all you do. You are beautiful and deserving. You have always worked so hard to provide and do well for Courtney and I.

So today I went to employee health to get this itching checked out. All the ARNP did was give me a a steroid. I told her Its not a rash, I have no rash, just severe itching. She didnt care she said theres nothing she can really do for me… WHAT DO YOU MEAN? thats why your supposed to be here, UGH. sooo… I was really upset. I got this lotion

I hope it helps because I dont want to take the steroids because I doubt that they will help.

I feel like its anxiety I wish I could fix it.

So… then I go to the maternity ward to see if my pictures came in since I was already in the area. Of course they wernt in. I went to my moms house and an hour later they call and say that the pictures (of the baby) came in (OF COURSE)… ugh I was so mad. So I went to pick them up. They took one picture and gave me some multiples.

Steven put together my rocking chair.

Its beautiful. I will definitley use it.

well… Im tired and feeling anxious… idk. Tomorrow the furniture comes in so I should go to bed so I can wake up and clean tomorrow.

night.

You love me anyway

Today I have been more than anxious. I suppose it is my anxiety getting the best of me. I have had bad chest pain for days. Thankfully I do EKG’s for a living, so I did one a couple weeks ago when I was having chest pain and of course it looked fine. It’s just scary. My body has had stabbing pains here and there since I got home from the hospital. Headaches, hard to breathe (feels like my throat is closing and I can’t get a breath), fatigue, numbness, clammy. I can’t stand it, It makes me feel so helpless and especially when I’m at work I just want to go home and cry so I will fall asleep and forget that I’m feeling anxious. I am scared of doctors, even though I talk to them all day. I do not want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie or gain weight. It sounds selfish and childish huh? Who would not want to feel better? I really do want to feel better but I feel like there has to be some other way. Can’t I control it myself? I have been fighting this for years. Actually, it’s been a long scary battle since about the age of 10. It’s terrifying, to live in fear. I fear death, illness, accidents, loneliness, infertility, instability… It doesn’t go away.  I try to breathe, I try music, and I try praying, reading…. I’m not going to lie, knowing my Jesus is near helps but why doesn’t he take it away? Will I have to live like this forever? I really fear now that I will “throw a clot” in ER nursing terms (lol). This MTHFR, which I shouldn’t worry about like I do, really does have effects on my life, such as never using birth control (what if I have a kid when I’m forty??? I don’t really want that), being at risk for other medical issues- it’s just scary.

I bought this music from “Bed Bath and Beyond”

It’s beautiful. I listened to the Yellow one when I was pregnant and when I was in labor. It’s hard to listen to that one again because I vividly remember my labor and the hospital and Seth when I hear that CD. I bought the other two tonight because I liked the first one so much. I think they are the coolest CD’s I’ve ever bought. I guess I’m turning into a real mom- listening to old boring fogies piano music that has no words lol :).  They are just so beautiful and calming. I am such an art hippie at heart. I could sit and bask in art and music any day. I will listen to almost anything and look at almost any artwork and be amazed and caught up. I can critique and find deeper meanings for hours. I can be inspired and let my mind wander for hours. It’s beautiful. I miss making time for art. I miss painting and drawing. I pray I will never forget to pick it back up when I am all finished with school (school and work and husband eat my time away).

Today was my mother-in-laws birthday. Happy birthday Krista! Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband! Steven and I picked out this cookie jar for her yesterday :D, it’s so cute.

She told me tonight that she bought P90X so lol.. maybe I can join in and lose this baby fat. That will be fun (but hard core).

I also bought my mom her birthday present tonight, of course I can’t tell yet what it is but yeah, it’s almost here momma, November 28th!

I finally finished my first class at Keiser! I am so excited. I think I got an A but I have to wait till grades are posted, I hope I got an A! I start my next class on Monday so I WILL enjoy this weekend off work with no school :). I am going to practice crocheting, maybe see an old friend this weekend, clean, and maybe put up the Christmas tree. (I am still working on my book from Angie Smith. I know it’s taking me forever but I’m almost done, I’ve just been so busy with school, work, choir, crocheting (or trying to learn how). It’s also a book that you cannot read all at once, I cry every time I read more of it.

I really am getting anxious about Seth’s headstone coming in. I want to see it. I also am waiting for a call from the hospital to see the pictures they took of Seth; they are waiting for them to come in. I’m not sure I’m ready to see them but I miss him and I want to see him one more time. I’m sick of looking at the same few pictures I have, I feel like I need to see him some other way, it makes it seem like he’s still around if I can see him in some more pictures other than what I have seen over and over these last couple of months.

There is no way we are ready to have another baby but I can’t stand seeing all of that baby stuff we have sitting there not being used. I don’t want to give it away. I want to use it. I want to use every bit of it up till it’s worn out completely. I don’t want to put anything away. I want it up.

My dear next child, you are not a replacement and I don’t want you ever to think that. When God decides it is the right time for you to come along, we will love you with all of our hearts. You will change my life forever. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever be weak. You were made for God’s glory. You were made to survive and be here for your mommy and daddy. You were not made to help me forget about Seth. You will not fill the void Seth left. There is a reason he left a mark. Only people who impact others in a significant way will leave a mark that makes you think of them EVERY DAY- Seth was one of those people. There’s a reason I think of him every day, because he changed me. He gave me the desire to have more kids. I always said no more when I was pregnant with him but look; here you are, waiting for God to send you to me. Keep me busy my next child, keep me focused and waiting for you. Will you take away some of my anxiety? When you decide to come, don’t let me fear through my pregnancy. Just come, healthy and beautiful. Boy or girl, defect or not (although I will definitely not complain for a healthy peewee), I will love you just the way you are because God made you fearfully and wonderfully just for me. You will be my love. You already are.

Love,

Momma.

I have not forgotten about you Seth nor will I ever. You were my first. You are the reason I’m here today. You are my story. You are my life. I breathe so I can think of you. You are my son. I am your mom. I promise to never forget you. I could never go one day, not even one second without you crossing my mind. You were the baby we were all anxiously waiting for, the one we anxiously held in our arms, and anxiously said goodbye to. Sometimes I feel like phone-ing you in heaven and just chatting. I just want to know how you’re doing even though I know you’re being taken care of perfectly; it’s the mom in me. Are you eating right, are you sleeping enough, are you cold? Stupid questions but that’s what earthly moms ask their earthly children :). You wouldn’t know because you were too beautiful for earth. Tell your poppa, my poppa and baby Eli Rolle we miss them.

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking 
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes,You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me