Tag Archives: cemetery

1 year ago, and a valentines day to go

Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.

There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore.  I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.

Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family?  Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.

I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.

Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)

Memorial Stone In

While you post pictures of your baby growing up every year, I post pictures of this stone growing old and weathered.

I am very excited that it finally came in, the ground was so barren without anything there. BUT- someone stole the vase!!!! I have been looking forward to leaving flowers and someone had the nerve to steal the copper vase from my baby boy’s grave! How can someone do that?! You obviously see its my baby there!

Today has been hard. I was at work alone, everyone at the hospital this weekend (staff and patients) were in a CRAPPY mood. I heard everyones junk all day. Im getting stuck with some crappy shifts. Im just tired of it all. I have a good job but Im tired of working, Im tired of putting up with crap, Im tired of listening to others peoples worries when MY BABY is GONE. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see I’m still going through something here and you are still throwing junk on me like nothing ever happened. I have enough crap to put up with at home and work, I just dont want to deal with it. I need vacation to come like no tomorrow. Im just tired of it.

I got off work and sat in the car for 5 minutes crying before I pulled out of the parking spot I was in. It sounds annoying just typing about it… Im in a BAD mood, Im depressed, Im angry, Im very emotional…. just depressed. I dont have the energy to do ANYTHING, the house is a mess, the bills are overwhelming, I dont want to exercise anymore, and nothings easy. I have pain all over, stress, anxiety.

On the way from work to the cemetery, I just cried, and hyper-ventilated. I pulled in and ran to Seth’s grave, stumbling  and wailing like it was the first day he was laid there. as I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes his stone came into focus. This was a surprise, I haven’t seen it before, it must have just come in. After 4 months and eight days, it came in. I loudly weeped over that stone and didnt care if one person was around. I sat there in my work scrubs, knees on the dirt, crying. The sun shined around the tree and hit my back so I just layed down. when I sat up and looked there was a maintenance man across the lawn starring, he quickly turned his head. I didnt care, I dont care.

Im just so tired of everything else. Nothing else matters. When you have a child nothing else matters. When you have a child that dies, nothing else matters EVER again. I am sick to my stomach to hear complaining, whining. Its just sad. The pictures of my son will never be a face,a baby, a license picture, a man in a wedding, a family….I will not have that opportunity with my Seth. We do not have the means for a child right now and it brings bitterness but what are you going to do.

Reality

I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.

Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.

I went to see you today son.

It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?

I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol).  It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?

I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.

Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy  but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.

My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?

Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.

Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….

wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.

Tell the world

Ok so today is another random post filled with all of my messy thoughts into one giant .. thing :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Its hard to see but my baby sister is going to college! I’m so proud of her. She is working so hard and doing so well. I cant believe that it is time and she is all grown up. I want to cry lol. Congratulations Courtney! You are beautiful and funny and fantastic and you will succeed. You will do good things. You will be just fine :).

[ONE GIANT PARENTHESIS]

Lets start with the most important of all. My mom sent me this video. Its just amazing.

I cant seem to get the video to post 😦 but here is the link.

http://www.jesus-loves-you.org/?p=1913&utm_source=jly&utm_medium=fb&utm_term=video&utm_content=FiresOfHell&utm_campaign=11-2-11_9am

This is amazing. God gives you a second chance- TAKE IT! I just cant believe how real it all is. Life is just a vapor. Do we really sit and squander over such simple things, why? This woman’s story reminded me of the passage in the Bible from Luke 16:19-31:

19 “There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 “The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’ 25 “But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ 27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father’s house, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ 29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’ 30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ 31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’ 

Holy smokes- I want to tell the world! Follow Him, He’s sweet and tender and gives everlasting peace. Why would you not want to try Jesus out? The world often reminds me of the girl who has a sweet gentle man who asks her out and she continually says “no, were better off as friends” while she turns to the man who beats her, belittles her, and treats her of no value.

I also want to tell the world- THERE IS HOPE, lol. Thanks to a bloggers comment I have been researching MTHFR polymorphism even more. What is most exciting is that the pieces are coming together and it all makes sense. The migraines, the “mini-strokes” as a child that the doctors deemed “anxiety”, the severe anxiety and tint of depression, the mood swings, the fuzziness, the cramps, the midwife telling me my folic acid was low at my last appointment in which Seth was still alive (hoping I would get the hint), the cord blood clot- IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

Its this little guy right here  ^. World, meet methylfolate.  MTHFR is the enzyme needed to process folate (also called folic acid, a B vitamin found in many vegetables, grains and supplements) and allows it into the brain. Folate in the brain is the necessary building block for many neurotransmitters (including serotonin), which helps regulate our MOODS! My body is not getting regular folic acid from food. I need it in it’s active form folate. My body cannot function up to par like the rest of yours out there because this one piece is missing. This piece can prevent psychiatric disorders, heart disease, and other blood disorders. AMAZING. CAN I TELL THE WORLD? By taking folate and asprin I may be able to carry a baby full term if it’s God’s will! WHOA! I know there are risks to everything but Seth gave me the gift of finding out about this disorder so I can start helping myself live healthier now. Whether I’m pregnant or not, its good for my brain. If you could not take in water but you knew you needed it so you found a way to take it when you were pregnant, would you only take it when you were pregnant?- NO, you would take it every day because its essential and you cant life without it! Same with this for me. There is a reason God made this little Folate enzyme- so that it will work where its supposed to! So I went and bought this

Ada’s only had 4 bottles and the lady said this is the first time shes ever seen it there, they must have just gotten it in (for me :D).

Heres some info on the importance of MTHFR

 and here is the nutrition label.

ANYWAYS- I think its amazing that I MAY feel better because of this, I cant wait to try it out.

Next on my list of things to do today was go to the cemetery and visit with my son.

It was a beautiful day. Nice and warm but a gentle breeze, enough to keep me from being too hot. I cant help but notice the big green tents that are set up for grave site services. Every time I go in I count. Today there were 2. One was across the way from Seth’s grave.

I sat on the ground next to Seth’s grave and prayed for the family. I just sat there. I let the breeze blow in my face. I looked at the sun. I listened to the mowing, the cars driving by, the birds chirping. It was a beautiful day. Seth’s grave is starting to set in and sink some…. I can’t wait till his headstone comes. Its so barren and I don’t like it. I want to have flowers or something, anything. It should be here in a month or two.


In this last photo, you can see, right in the middle crevice of that tree there is a little tiny baby tree growing from the middle. Hmm, so sweet. This big momma tree right next to Seth’s grave was holding her little baby tree.  That wasn’t there before. [I know because I admire and sit next to and stare at that tree every time I visit.]

When I got home I tried to play with the dogs.. Aida just has too much energy. For those of you who havnt met my beautiful BABY – 1 year old Aida- here she is 🙂

She is the biggest most beautiful 1 year old blue eyed baby a momma could ever ask for! BUT – seriously, she has ADHD, she cannot sit still for anything. I could not get any pictures cause she was runing around like a crazy thing out there.

I would pay the best photographer to get 3 good shots out of this hyper polar bear! lol, She was just every where and she looks like a retard in all of her pictures <3.

Then there is Taz, the old grumpy man that doesn’t want Aida to mess with him hehe…

These two are so funny to watch together.

So that is the story of my life. And with 0 dollars in my bank account, I will now go cook what is left in the fridge so I don’t have to buy food at work for the rest of the week. Wish me luck. I SUCK at cooking.