Tag Archives: choir

Fear not… You are God alone

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..

Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.

What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.

I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.

Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.

What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.

I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.

This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.

Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…

Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!

Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.

And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.

Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.

I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.

So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.

* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.

Amen*

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That’s what You are

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Reality

I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.

Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.

I went to see you today son.

It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?

I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol).  It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?

I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.

Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy  but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.

My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?

Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.

Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….

wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.