Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still. Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.
Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.
Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.
So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.
—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
– George Martin
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged angry, Children, Christianity, Easter, Easter Sunday, facebook, family, Holiday, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, jesus, photos, pictures, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn, stressed, Sunday
Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.
Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.
Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.
So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!
This is an excerpt from this site
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.
Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Abraham, Abram, anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, Bible, Children, Christian, Christianity, Death, family, Girl Talk, God, Hagar, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, Ishmael, jesus, love, period, pms, Pregnancy, Sarah, sick, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife
Just a quick rant… I am SOOOO SICK of attitude. seriously. My husband and I are grown people and if you dont know our story dont accuse us of anything. UGH I am so sick of it. I hate it when people put my husband down it literally rips my heart open. I cant stand to listen people beat him down, hes already got a low enough self esteem from all that has happened to him the last few months. Im just sick of this business, sick. of. it. I want him to go back to having a regular job, working for someone else, gaurunteed 40 hours a week with benefits. I miss it. I want us to have our regular lives back with A LOT smaller amount of stress. Owning a company= rip your life up. DONT DO IT. I just want us to be a normal family again. Im tired of hearing peoples mouth run just because they are stressed, TIRED OF IT. Don’t go blow up at every person that is in your way because your worried about your problems.
Honestly herr is the sad thing. If I was not a christian I WOULD NOT BE ONE because OF STUPID PEOPLE THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH IN THE LAST FEW DAYS. I am totally turned off. Thats sad. One minute I am inspired by amazing people like my sister who is very involved with my Jesus and the next I feel hopeless because someone who calls themselves a christian and who is active in the church literally spews out hatred, vile, nastiness- I dont want anything to do with it. Its sad but HONEST. Nothing to do with it. Change my heart oh God, I need it, because I dont have ANY faith in any christian that I have run into in the past few days.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Friends, Health, Jesus, my love, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged attitude, Christ, Christian, Christianity, God, jesus, Religion and Spirituality, Self-esteem, Work
Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.
Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..
I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.
Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…
Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.
Happy Birthday Jesus…
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged babies, baby, Christianity, Christmas, family, friends, God, Infant Loss, jesus, Pregnancy, pregnant, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn