Tag Archives: Christmas

Uncharted territory, 34 weeks

Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here?  The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D.  Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).

Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).

In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂

Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂

Drawing near

More and more I find myself thinking about this baby in me. I see others post on facebook about their children, and I think about motherhood. I do not want to be a selfish mom. Of course I should not let myself go but I do not want to have the best of the best while my child is mediocre. I will not complain about my child or their health because I know what it is like to not have them here. I will not use them as an excuse to miss out on things or leave work or leave an activity. There will be times of course but I have a good feeling that God will give Brea a great temperament, He knows what I can handle. I will promise to not make people feel sorry for me when Brea’s not doing how I want her to do- because I will love her unconditionally with all of my heart, forever, and again, I know what it would be like if she was not here to do that.

It’s hard to say I wont shove Brea in people’s faces lol, Im going to be so excited. as the time gets closer every day I think about the joy of delivery and seeing her. I just cant think of living without her. This baby will be my baby. Steven and I made her, she came from me, and she will be taken care of by us… that is so crazy. She will always be around for the next 18 years and I will be responsible for leading her through life. What a gift! I wish times were super stable and I was finished with school because this baby brings to the table, feelings of family. Both my husband and I want a lot of kids because he has almost no family (no living siblings either) and besides all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I have just my mom and sister. (although I cant imagine living without aunts, uncles, and cousins. We want to have a family for our kids to fall back on, siblings who will be each others best friends…. I just have to remember that school is not that far away from being over. I only have 16 months from May 2013 till im finished, which will be here before you know it once Brea is born.

I have another ultrasound on Tuesday and I cannot wait!!! and then Oct.25th I have my 4d Ultrasound YAY! October is already here and it is so exciting. That means if I happen to go into labor around 38 weeks, it will be the week of Christmas and that is only 2 months away from October! Oh my goodness! lol. Im praying for a last week of December baby because it will make nerves, money, and everything else under the sun easier. ❤ Heres to a happy healthy baby.

Thank God, A Cheerful Post

I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.

Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.

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This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.

Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.

All for baby Seth.


Merry Christmas

Exactly three months ago today, someone told us as we were sitting in our hospital room resting from laboring all night, that this (the death of our baby) would either pull us together or break us apart. We looked at each other and thought how could this ever pull us apart.

Three months later… It is Christmas and all of my friends just had babies, are having more babies, or pronouncing their upcoming babies on Facebook while I sit in this very dark corner of my mind, with nothing. I am in no mood to meet Christmas this morning. I dont want to open gifts, see gifts, even see family really. Steven repeatedly makes it clear, no babies…..

I used to be congradulated on my God given strength through this but something has just changed and I have become more bitter everyday. Knowing that you may  not have children for years, or have children at all, is the worst feeling a mother could ever have.

Now we know what they meant, this will break you, or make you. I feel broken…

Im still itching AWFULLY crazy and its been the worst Christmas morning this 20 years has ever had… If it wasnt for family expecting me to be present today, I would go back to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. Id rather be there anyways.

Happy Birthday Jesus…

A day off

Its so nice to have a day off. I crocheted and finished a project but its for my sister for Chrimstas so i cant post pictures till then.

My wishing lanters came in, cant wait to do that on Christmas.

I got 20 of them…

So Steven and I were supposed to do something today but… he didnt wake up till noon, then watched tv till 2:30, now its 3:30 and lo and behold, hes going to look at a job somewhere… so whatever. He dosnt have jobs to look at all week till Im home. So… Im going to crochet I guess.. I have a super headache.


Warning other stillbirth moms: old pregnant picture at the end if you dont want to see, you might not want to read.

Just havnt been in the mood to blog lately… plus ive been so busy.

Some days are harder than others. Ive been keeping very busy with crocheting to pass time. Its hard. Its finally the time when all of the rest of my friends are having babies or trying to. Its just not fair. I still feel like crap to be honest. I have good days of course but I have bad days. Im just tired of these empty arms.Thursday I went to a dinner for work that had to do with reps selling this medicine and I saw a pregnant girl across the way. She was happy and smiling and prancing around. Honestly… I hated it. It was aggravating. I wanted to ask her to stop being annoying. I completely saw me in her. I remember laughing and my belly was so big that it jiggled up and down like Santa’s…

I guess my blogs have seemed pretty negative lately. I think its just with Christmas coming up and all thats going on at home, Im just not ready to face it. Thanksgiving was hard but Christmas will be harder.

Steven said hes not ready still. Its aggravating. I want to be pregnant again. I still hurt and I feel like thats the only way Im going to move on some. I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel a baby in my tummy. I want to throw up and feel dizzy all over again, and pee my pants, just so I can have my own baby to hold like everyone else. People who dont deserve kids, who treat their kids wrong, or give them up, or do drugs, or cant provide… they all got to have healthy babies.  I just wish Steven would get over it. Were never going to have everything we want before we have a kid so cant we just do it  now. We literally have everything from the baby shower. Crib, dressers, clothes, diapers, toys, bottles,…. everything. Im just obssessed and crazy about it and everything that has to do with babies hurts my feelings anymore.

Yesterday a box of infant enfamil formula and coupons came in the mail. It hurt. I took my name off of all junk mail registries so this wouldn’t happen and… it still did. We went to the mall yesterday and walked by Motherhood Maternity. I looked in and saw this laughing couple struggling to find which giant shirt fit this lady’s tummy the best… anger….

I dont want to say Im getting bitter but the longer I go with no hope that Steven will ever be ready to have a baby again, the longer I will feel angry. Its upsetting to hear every time I ask, “No I dont know when Ill be ready, we dont have to have children”… seriously… Its different being the mom. I felt being pregnant, I felt the baby move, all of 8 months. Its not like I just met him and left him and that was all I had of him. I grew a relationship with Seth. I would set my phone on my stomach and play old hymns to him and he would roll around and kick my phone off my stomache. I would lay in bed and roll to one side and feel his feet push against my ribs as he stretched out. I would stand for a long time and sit down to feel him perform his kickboxing moves. I just miss him.

I dont really have any hope for having more kids and that’s aggravating.  I miss him. Im not ready for Christmas. I just want to stay home these next couple of weeks and lay in bed and relax so my nerves stop freaking out. I miss everything I was supposed to have.  If I dont get pregnant soon I just feel like I have nothing. And getting pregnant is not an option when your husband dosnt want to.

So to my future baby,

I wish it was easy as Mary and Joseph in that first Christmas season, no man action required, just faithfulness and…viola- baby. You’re big brother is my heart beat. His name, life, and presence, was my everything. I just dont want to do it without you. I feel so lonely even though I had this same life before Seth and was very content. Im not anymore. Its selfish, but Im not. Get in Stevens head and just convince him its ok. I cant go another Christmas without you here. We have all this stuff waiting for you. I dont care if youre a girl and you have to wear all boy stuff, cause you will strut it baby doll. I dont care if your a boy and you look just like your big brother. I just want you healthy and here. Im okay with throwing up and peeing my pants and aching. Ill take it! Ill be happy about it this time! Christmas isnt all about family but its the thought of what you where supposed to be sharing at Christmas. Its hard. I hope I do not pass this gene to you and it is not difficult for you to have kids. I dont know how anyone could live without having a child of their own. When God sends you down here. Make it to me this time. I need to hold you soon. I miss this

P.S.- Thanks to Living absolute’s blog, I just bought some wishing lanterns to light on Christmas night at the beach…. Hope my husband doesn’t kill me for spending more money 🙂

Santa, dont come here this year

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Espera...

Yesterday was Steven’s business Christmas party. I didnt really want to go. All of the Christmas decor and children and happy people. I just wanted to sit by myself. I wished people would have stopped talking to me. Santa came to the party to surprise the kids… I stood in the back as all the kids went up and got their presents and were “wowed” at Santas appearance. When santa left, the kids ripped open their presents. One 3 year old boy ran up to his dad and said “Look dad!”. It was a play toy shaving kit with toy story characters on it. The dad pulled out all the stuff in it and showed the little boy how to use it. He began to “shave” his bare skin with a giant smile on his face. He giggled. I said “look Steven, hes so cute”. Just as I finished I spun around and lost it. I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I dug My face in Stevens arm and just cried till I could control myself. We walked to the side of the house. All I could think about is how that could have been my little boy. Smiling into his daddy’s eyes, wanting to be just like him- shaving and tractor riding and running in circles in the yard. But it wasnt my son. It wasnt my life. This wasnt my dream. It hurts so bad to just see children. I cant stand it. Every time I see a little boy my throat closes up and my eyes water. I cant stand it. That could have been my son.

The night calmed down and people left eventually and I had a little bit of time to just breathe and not see any kids thankfully.

I came home last night and spent four hours making my first hairband!

Its beautiful :). I stayed up till 1:30 AM making it but I love it and I wore it to church this morning… I should have taken a picture of that :). SO…. I have my first customer buying a headband for someone ❤ – Thanks ADAM PAUL HANNERS!!! I stinking love learning all this crocheting stuff.

Heres some coasters I made. You can tell which were my first ones and which ones I did last lol

Ive still been itching and feeling a little crazy. Just tired and emotional and anxious. Was supposed to start my period 4 days ago but idk,..Im not pregnant, took a test…. Wish I was, but we have a long time till that happens.

Gotta get ready for choir