Tag Archives: church

Aside

On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a … Continue reading

Memory Boxes for Stillbirth

So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.

Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!

YAY!!!

These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.

I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.

I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.

God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.

Reality

I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.

Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.

I went to see you today son.

It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?

I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol).  It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?

I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.

Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy  but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.

My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?

Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.

Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….

wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.

Relief please?

Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.

I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.

After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.

I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.

I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this

I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.

Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.

We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..

I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.

BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.

just want relief.