… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.
Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).
yeah so… thats about it.
I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck
my thoughts are…..
*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?
I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. AGHHH :(. I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O
Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, School, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, bag, Children, crochet, crocheting, Education, friend, friends, health, hobbies, homework, hospital, pattern, patterns, photo props, photography, photography props, physics, purse, school, Work
I have been addicted to crocheting lately. Its crazy, its all I think about and I cant sleep- that is pretty sad lol. I am super addicted to bulky/ chunky yarn too! its amazing, you can knock out a project (that would take you a month in regular yarn) in about 30 minutes! its amazing!!! Its just a little more expensive though. So Im probably going to make chunky yarn blankets for the hospital stillbirth boxes because Ive been taking too long and I need to get those out soon.
Heres my latest projects I did today and last night.
^ this turtle is a photo prop, its supposed to be used for this
> and yes that is where I bought the pattern from, I just made it a little different cause I didn’t want it to look exactly the same.
On another note…
I went to school yesterday for my last prep class before physics starts, the students were really encouraging and I cant wait to start the sonography program. It is going to be a lot of work but this is what I want. A girl told a story about her last clinical. She got called to the OB floor (at the hospital that I work at) and a lady who was 39 weeks pregnant lost her baby and she had to do the scan to confirm it. She said it was the hardest thing she has seen. I almost teared up as she talked about it. That is why I want to do this. I want to comfort those women, empower them with love and hope and a future. I need to be apart of this, that is why I changed my major, this IS my calling. I need to do this.
I need extra strength though and I pray every day that God will help me get through these classes and clinicals with a clear and open mind, mental strength, and guidance for a kind heart.
Im going to love my job 🙂
Posted in crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged babies, baby, blanket, blankets, Blankets and Bedding, calling, Children, clinical, clinicals, crochet, crocheting, Etsy, fun, God, happy, hat, hats, hobbies, hobby, hospital, Infant, infant death, Infant Loss, job, need, photo props, photography, photos, school, Shopping, sonography, stilbirth, stillborn, time, turtle, ultrasound, Work, Yarn
Since Ive gotten rid of facebook I just havnt gotten on the computer much anymore, I guess that is a good thing.
This weekend we went to the Awanas Grand Prix , all the kids at church got to race their little cars they made. Steven , I, and my father in law judged the looks of the cars and My father in law and I cooked the burgers and hot dogs on the grill. It was cute.
Today (Sunday) we went to Islands of Adventure. It was fun.
Tonight we watched Undercover Boss (budget blinds). I cried like a baby because the boss got to know this guy who was adorable. He was just a big teddy bear. The man working for the company lost his son (who had 5 grand kids). He cried like a big baby when the boss gave him $40,000 to remodel his house to better accommodate his family for gatherings in remembrance of his son. I cried like a baby too. It was very touching.
Ive made some cool new crocheted things this week… I think I want to focus on baby props for my etsy store that I hope to open in the future.
Here are the things I made.
^ I made this for a cousins daughter that is due to arrive this month.
^ I made this and am giving it to my sister for her youth camp auction so she can make some money to go, its her last year. Im in the process of making matching booties to go with it :).
so yeah, thats about it.
Its been a good week. Work has been a little stressful but other than that, its been good. School starts on the 30th (physics) ugh lol.
Posted in crochet, Family, Health, Hobbies, School, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged awanas, Children, crochet, crocheting, hobbies, hobby, islands of adventure, Parent-in-law, recreation, school, theme parks, tv, Undercover Boss, vacation, Work
So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.
Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!
These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.
I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.
I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.
God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.
Posted in Cause for Action, crochet, death, Friends, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged art, babies, baby, church, Craft, crochet, crocheting, Death, God, Home and Garden, hospital, hospital births, Infant Loss, jesus, memory box, memory boxes, mom, mommies, mommy, Paint, Papier-mâché, Stillbirth, stillborn
So… today we did KempoX (kickboxing)…. wow that was some extreme cardio, my head is still throbbing from when we finished an hour ago, I thought I literally was gonna have a stroke I could feel my heart pounding lol, WOW Im out of shape. So… I havnt weighed myself yet, dont really feel the need, its only been 6 days, but I SLOWLY do not feel as sore as when I started and I SLOWLY feel less bloated. Im really hoping results start coming, Im already just feeling good about myself because I know Im doing the right thing.
Tonight my husband and I are going to eat at my mommas house. Its my grandmas birthday and shes cooking and inviting her boyfriend and us over so that will be nice to see my family. I dont get to see them often since I got married and of course I miss my mom and sister to death.
I finished my Anatomy class today (even though this was the second time taking it lol) I think I did ok. Im really hopeing for an A but idk if that will happen cause I had a 90 last week so Ill probably get a B :(. So anyways, now that Im all done, I have a WHOLE MONTH OFF SCHOOL WOOT!!!! We are still hoping for the vacation for me to go see snow for the first time around Feb. 18th. CANT WAIT!!!!
I want to get a TON of crocheting done since I have no school I REALLY hope I can.
We got all of our W2’s now we have to go file our taxes. Im debating, I dont know what to do. When we first started the company Steven wasnt taking out enough so we dont know if we will owe from that period of time that he didnt know that he wasnt having enough coming out so should we file before vacation and MAYBE get some money back, or file after vacation incase we have to pay so we dont jip ourselves of a good time? lol, its hard to think about.
Anyways, thats whats been goin on, gonna get myself together for dinner tonight and do some crocheting.
Posted in crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Steven, my love, Vacation, Work
Tagged class, crochet, crocheting, dinner, exercise, family, health, hobbies, husband, kenpoX, kick-boxing, mom, P90X, school, taxes, vacation, Weight loss, Work, work out
So Im feeling pretty bad right now. Really bad headache. Dizzy…. Ive been having high blood pressure, who knows why, Im not old and Im not overweight. Maybe stress but even when I really do feel really calm, I still have high blood pressure. idk, if Steven comes home and I still feel bad I might go to convinient care to get it checked out. I have a Maternal Fetal Medicine appt. on Monday to do bloodwork and talk to me about what I have I guess.. Idk what really is going to happen lol.
So last Sunday Steven and I took the dogs out to a park… and THIS is why I LOVE where I live and couldnt move away, Im a nature girl all the way.
Ugh it was beautiful and the dogs LOVED it! They swam, (as we watched very closely for alligators) They ran all over, and of course loved the wind in their faces on the buggy. It was beautiful. There were cows and deer and birds and yes, alligators.
Then Tuesday I went to joanns to buy some yarn to make some baby hats cause we started a group at church to make things for people in hospitals, stillbirths, homeless, etc. and while standing in line, I heard this music. It became louder and louder. I stepped out of line like a crazy woman and walked towards the music. It was soft and familiar. *Flashbacks*. Hospital, contractions, push, baby, family, cry, wheelchaired to car empty handed….. It was the same music I had steven’s parents bring from home to play for me while I was in labor. Steven religously played it for me over and over till I asked him to turn it off (long after he was sick of it). It caught me. Out of no where, completely triggered every smell, sound, touch, and thought of that day. I didnt cry. But I wandered back toward the checkout line silently, staring at the ground.
Here are the hats Ive made so far, the yellow is more of a child size and the pink is a preemie hat.
We went on the boat yesterday. Steven saw a manatee, of course I didnt lol. It was nice out.
I have to work this weekend so lots of homework, a little crocheting. Next month I have off school cause I dont have any classes scheduled (YAY). I hope to do a lot of crocheting. It would be SO much fun to open an ETSY shop! :D.
❤ anyways, my head hurts,Im gonna go for now.
Posted in crochet, Dogs, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged Blood pressure, crochet, crocheting, Death, dizzy, doctor, dog, dogs, family, flashbacks, friends, hat, Headache, health, hobbies, Hypertension, Infant Loss, nature, Stillbirth, stillborn, Work