Tag Archives: Crying

middle of the night plea

I feel so bad coming onto my blog and whining but this ear pain is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. I can handle most pain but I cant handle this. This is day two of no sleep and I am sitting on my couch at 2 am crying so hard that I am hyperventilating. I just want to sleep so bad but Ive never been in this much pain before, Im not lying when I say I would rather have a baby than have this ear infection. I have caved and been taking 2 extra strength tylenol around the clock but it is not even touch the pain…. I just want it to go away. I want to sleep and feel better, I cant wait 4 days for these stupid ear drops to start working. I need pain relief so bad. I have to go to the maternal fetal medicine doctor on Tuesday at 8 AM and then work 2-10, how can I do that with 3 days of no sleep?

Im praying so hard right now, I dont know what to do, Ive never felt so helpless. All I can hear is loud thumping, my hearing is completely gone, my jaw wont open so I cant eat, and the whole left side of my face is swollen like someone hit (but no one did, except a nasty infection).  I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. What am I gonna do through these night hours (besides get struck by violent morning sickness cause Im hungry and cant eat)? All I can do is sit through each minute watching time crawl.

 

Im trying to be strong. I know I cant take anything for the baby’s sake but I feel so close to chopping off my ear, ugh. How could it get this bad? at least last time Tylenol eased the pain so I could sleep through the night, this time when I take it, its like I never really took it, I feel NO lessening of pain at all.

Sorry for whining, I just need to vent…

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Memorial Stone In

While you post pictures of your baby growing up every year, I post pictures of this stone growing old and weathered.

I am very excited that it finally came in, the ground was so barren without anything there. BUT- someone stole the vase!!!! I have been looking forward to leaving flowers and someone had the nerve to steal the copper vase from my baby boy’s grave! How can someone do that?! You obviously see its my baby there!

Today has been hard. I was at work alone, everyone at the hospital this weekend (staff and patients) were in a CRAPPY mood. I heard everyones junk all day. Im getting stuck with some crappy shifts. Im just tired of it all. I have a good job but Im tired of working, Im tired of putting up with crap, Im tired of listening to others peoples worries when MY BABY is GONE. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see I’m still going through something here and you are still throwing junk on me like nothing ever happened. I have enough crap to put up with at home and work, I just dont want to deal with it. I need vacation to come like no tomorrow. Im just tired of it.

I got off work and sat in the car for 5 minutes crying before I pulled out of the parking spot I was in. It sounds annoying just typing about it… Im in a BAD mood, Im depressed, Im angry, Im very emotional…. just depressed. I dont have the energy to do ANYTHING, the house is a mess, the bills are overwhelming, I dont want to exercise anymore, and nothings easy. I have pain all over, stress, anxiety.

On the way from work to the cemetery, I just cried, and hyper-ventilated. I pulled in and ran to Seth’s grave, stumbling  and wailing like it was the first day he was laid there. as I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes his stone came into focus. This was a surprise, I haven’t seen it before, it must have just come in. After 4 months and eight days, it came in. I loudly weeped over that stone and didnt care if one person was around. I sat there in my work scrubs, knees on the dirt, crying. The sun shined around the tree and hit my back so I just layed down. when I sat up and looked there was a maintenance man across the lawn starring, he quickly turned his head. I didnt care, I dont care.

Im just so tired of everything else. Nothing else matters. When you have a child nothing else matters. When you have a child that dies, nothing else matters EVER again. I am sick to my stomach to hear complaining, whining. Its just sad. The pictures of my son will never be a face,a baby, a license picture, a man in a wedding, a family….I will not have that opportunity with my Seth. We do not have the means for a child right now and it brings bitterness but what are you going to do.

Reality

I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.

Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.

I went to see you today son.

It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?

I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol).  It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?

I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.

Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy  but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.

My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?

Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.

Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….

wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.