Its funny how things that you have never been through can strike a memory in your brain. I think being pregnant just makes me extra sensitive to life.
During labor (when I was having Seth), from 7pm Saturday to 11:30 Sunday. It was all in slow motion. I remember, each breath was a a slow drawn out drone. Every blink of my eye took long seconds, I could hear music playing in my head. It honestly felt like death was near- in a very weird way because in no way was I near death. It felt like the room was spinning.
If that is what it feels like to lose a child, I cant imagine how many people go through this every day. Yesterday I got called to the OR for the first time… ever… I got off the phone with the nurse and ran to my machine, all in a panic I told the girl who was just leaving, “Oh my goodness, I did not sign up for this, I hate blood and guts, Ive never had to go in the operating room”… I think it was shear terror. Terror that I didnt know what I was about to face. Was it a young life on the table, in the middle of the operation? Was it someone I knew? Someone who looked like my grandpa? A life on the edge? Were they alive? As I ran down to Pre-op, I was breathing heavy. I asked the nurse for a bunny suit since I did not have time to change in the locker room. She ran down the hall and minutes later came running back yelling (its a long hall lol) “EKG! EKG!… they canceled it”…. *sigh, I felt relief but later I just felt guilty. I do not know what happened to that person. It does not get easier for me every day. The things I see become more common, but the lives in which these things happen to are all different and special in their own ways. They all have families, they all have lives. It amazes me, the pure insensitivity that a lot of people in the hospital have. I hope I never lose that. A lot of people dont know the real me and there are a lot of things that have happened to me other than just Seth going to heaven. I think God just gives some of us more respect for life, more compassion.