Tag Archives: EKG

Slow motion

Its funny how things that you have never been through can strike a memory in your brain. I think being pregnant just makes me extra sensitive to life.

During labor (when I was having Seth), from 7pm Saturday to 11:30 Sunday. It was all in slow motion. I remember, each breath was a a slow drawn out drone. Every blink of my eye took long seconds, I could hear music playing in my head. It honestly felt like death was near- in a very weird way because in no way was I near death. It felt like the room was spinning.

If that is what it feels like to lose a child, I cant imagine how many people go through this every day. Yesterday I got called to the OR for the first time… ever… I got off the phone with the nurse and ran to my machine, all in a panic I told the girl who was just leaving, “Oh my goodness, I did not sign up for this, I hate blood and guts, Ive never had to go in the operating room”… I think it was shear terror. Terror that I didnt know what I was about to face. Was it a young life on the table, in the middle of the operation? Was it someone I knew? Someone who looked like my grandpa? A life on the edge? Were they alive? As I  ran down to Pre-op, I was breathing heavy. I asked the nurse for a bunny suit since I did not have time to change in the locker room. She ran down the hall and minutes later came running back yelling (its a long hall lol) “EKG! EKG!… they canceled it”…. *sigh, I felt relief but later I just felt guilty. I do not know what happened to that person. It does not get easier for me every day. The things I see become more common, but the lives in which these things happen to are all different and special in their own ways. They all have families, they all have lives. It amazes me, the pure insensitivity that a lot of people in the hospital have. I hope I never lose that. A lot of people dont know the real me and there are a lot of things that have happened to me other than just Seth going to heaven. I think God just gives some of us more respect for life, more compassion.

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Doctor update

I should not freak myself out but… I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said my thyroid was fine and my clotting factors were fine- but my liver enzymes were elevated, enough that he is concerned and wants me to have some tests done. Hes ordering another kidney test, some further liver tests, an echo cardiogram,EKG, and a duplex renal ultrasound. I think hes worried that it may be something with my kidneys, but I am terrified that something is wrong with my liver. I forgot to tell him that Ive been itching like crazy cause for a period of time it was gone and the last few days its picked up again. so anyways, in like 2 weeks Im gonna see him again but from what I think, itching and liver go together and I dont think it sounds good. Its so stressful, Im 20 and I dont drink or smoke or do any of that junk! He said my blood pressure was still high enough to be concerned about so he put me on some blood pressure medicine which he said hes not happy about because its not normal for a 20 year old thin woman to be on it.

Oh my word it just freaks me out. Its a good thing I I work in the EKG dept cause Ill just do my own EKG and Ill get one of the girls from next door in echo to do my echo. and my renal scan is scheduled for Monday…

UGH, I thought the blood work would be a sigh of relief but it just led to more tests and I just want to cry thinking about it.

Rant of the day

I am just really angry and really stressed. Today was CHAOS and really busy and I had about 2 minutes to shove a sandwich down my throat at work and run to the ER since I was getting paged while I was eating and no one could help… I have a giant migraine, I havnt been sleeping. This house thing is SOOOO stressful. Now we found a house we like and the STUPID lender is not answering ANY of our calls UGHHHH, I JUST WANT THE STUPID HOUSE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG!!! I have A TON of homework to do and A TON of crocheting to do for someone and my body hurts I dont feel like doing it. My husband is annoying me.There is not enough time in the day. Im angry and just want to be left alone, except for our broker I want them to STINKING CALL US BACK LIKE YESTERDAY!…

thats my rant for the day

First Crochet Project

I have to blog NOW! :D….

I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.

You do not even know how excited I am lol.

*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.

So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.

Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…

I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.

Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that.  I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).

I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.

When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow
when I’m empty and alone 
I turn to you

When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark 
I turn to you

and here in your holy presence its all that i can do

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.

For the faith to move ahead. 
and to let go of the past.

To see me as you do. 
I turn to you. and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

When I’m weak I will follow. 
In your arms I will stay. 
Will you lead me’ 
only you can save. 

I turn to you Jesus 
I turn to you.

This is not my home

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Today I worked 6am-2pm. I was sooo tired, I still am. I started off my routine EKG’s today by first of all  having to go to the OB floor because the cardiac overflow is on one side of that floor and the birthing suites are on the other.  On my way to that floor a big bellied woman stopped me and asked where the birthing suites are. I looked over at her big belly, packed bags, and swollen face, and jittery husband. I said oh…. and couldn’t get anything more out. Finally after what seemed like eternity I spit out, just follow me, I’m going there. She seemed really scared. I asked if she was being induced on this early morning and she replied yes, this is my second but I’m still so nervous. I wanted to excitedly interject with “I had my son a month and a half ago and it was a breeze, he was beautiful but he passed away.” Oh, I’m sure that would make her feel better! So I just quietly took them to the elevator and on the awkward ride up she said “So… Are the birthing suites nice here”…. I don’t know I only lost my son in one of those… What was I supposed to say? I actually said – “Yeah I’m sure they’re nice, the ones in the cape are big.”…. when I rushed off the elevator I felt like I was gonna get sick everywhere but I felt better a few minutes later. I went to the first room and get the EKG and as Im pulling the leads off and the P.A. comes in and asks the patient how he was doing and he starts to sob- “My wife just died a few weeks ago. We were together for 60 years and we lived in assisted living together and now Im lonely. I blow her a kiss to her picture every day. I asked God to take me to her but He dosn’t listen. He does not care about me.” I cried. Every time I said something he talked over me so i just let him talk about how beautiful his wife was and about all his grandkids. The P.A. finally spoke up and I left the room quietly.

Later I went to the ER to help a co-worker who was getting slammed, we were over our bed count. We are a heart and kidney hospital so we rarely get trauma unless its a true emergency and the patient CANT make the drive to LEE. Well, we got a traffic trauma alert today and my co-worker came out of the room and said he didn’t make it. His chest was all deformed and his bones were all mushed to one side from doing CPR for so long. I believe he was only in his 20’s. It was sad. He was in that room for a long time before they moved him to the morgue.

I walked to triage because one of the nurses wanted to talk to me. We sat down between triaging patients and she told me her story. She has MTHFR (homozygous), Factor 5 Leiden, and thrombosis. She said since she was 19 she has had 2 pulmonary embolisms and 5 DVT’s. She gave birth to a wonderful boy 7 years ago who would not have made it if it wasnt for her supportive doctors. She said she went against advice and carried the baby to full term (she did start labor at 7 months but they were able to stop it and she had to be on bed rest for 2 months). She got her tubes tied because she could not safely be on any birth control and her doctors advised her not to have another child for the sake of her and her baby’s life. I could tell she wanted more children and she was saddened by it. She gave me the name of a specialist OBGYN who dealt with her MTHFR (I’m C677T heterozygous) and the name of a hematologist that she and her family has seen. Its good to finally find a doctor who knows what there talking about.

Now… I want to have a baby but Im actually praying that I dont get pregnant too soon because I dont want to miscarry from this disorder within the first three months that Im waiting to get insurance and go see these specialists. Yeah, Im mad, I have to wait 90 days to get insurance since I moved fom PRN to part time. Ugh, Ive been an employee there, why does it start all over :(. If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!

I didnt get to crochet tonight because I made food for the week for work and Im working on homework now so hopefully tomorrow. I cant wait till I have off Friday, Im so tired.

Friday will be hard. My friends wedding is that day. Thats the day Seth was supposed to be born November 11,2011… It will be hard to go to the wedding honestly. I really want to be there but It will be so hard. I know I’m going to cry a lot on Friday. I just cant wait to relax this weekend though.

I miss you son. I cry at random moments and long for you all of the time. You make me emotional but you make me appreciate life and all of the beautiful people I have and all of the wonderful things I have. I look at people differently. I no longer judge by looks. I honestly ball my eyes out when I see the homeless on 41 or in the hospitals on these cool nights. I cry when I think about how grateful I am to have such a loving mother who has been my best friend all these years whether or not either of us realized it. I cry when I think of all of the sleepless nights I could have had with you Seth. All of the truck toys that I may have stepped on while getting up to check on you in the middle of the night, All of the tractor rides with your daddy, All of the hugs and kisses and excitement, poopey diapers, warm spit up…. I miss it. I miss what I never had.

God does hear me. He cries with me. He wept when Lazuraus died because he felt the pain that Mary and Martha felt, He knew it hurt. He knows it hurts.

He is here to stay. Seth is there to stay. This is not my home.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Press On

Today was just another beautiful day. I did not sleep well last night, I guess its cause Steven was not here. I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore but now that work is back on track for him, its back to the routine of being alone again week after week.

Work was interesting… I had a few hard moments today.

1) in the elevator a transporter asked me how the baby was… I replied “he passed away”. He said, “You had him and he passed away”… “Yes”, I said. This look of complete horror filled his face and as he spit out the words “I’m sorry” I ran out of the elevator as soon as it opened.

What do you say to people? “Oh its OK…”…. No it’s not, I’m not going to say that. I’m tired of telling people that it’s OK and trying to comfort them for feeling stupid for asking. I know he didn’t know but why should I have to comfort you for bringing it up…

2) I walked to the ER to help the other tech down there and as I stood at the plug in where my machine was and booted it up, a tiny baby was crying right behind me. The mom was lulling the baby in her arms and baby talking. I wanted to turn around and yell at her to go to her room and close the door instead of walking around the halls like an idiot, traumatizing me. Of course I just sat there with my mouth closed and once the machine booted up and unplugged it and walked away.

I guess those were the only two times… If there were more they weren’t traumatizing enough for me to remember to write about it tonight.

I walked by these old men tonight in the lobby when I was going to check a machine on the other side of the hospital. There are three of them that sit there every night and do a Bible study with there giant old man print Bibles and big concordances. They are adorable and they are not ashamed. I love it. I sometimes walk out towards the lobby just to see them. They don’t know that I sit from afar and admire them. I know it sounds creepy but you just don’t see unashamed faith like that anymore. I was going to take a picture of them to include in this blog- but that would have been even more creepier :).

As you can see, the pencils are pointing to what was done (the left) and what needed to be done (the right)… *sigh… I was the only one who edited on top of doing actual EKG’s( and homework and reading, lol) so that little stack on the left was A LOT, it took me well over two hours to do that and when I got done, I was not doing any more by myself. I’ll have to pick up where I left off on Thursday when I go in.

This was my homework I actually did a little bit of today. (The left side green stuff is for this week… LOTS of reading)

Here is the book I’m reading. It’s so beautiful. I will definitely write about it once I am done with it. Angie talks about the story of Lazarus from Mary and Martha’s perspective and it is such an eye opener on how I deal with the death of Seth.

OK… here’s some hospital advice. I don’t know about other hospitals but for ours, if you are new -you wear a green tagged name badge for your first 90 days so people know that you are new without you having to wear a giant pin that says “HI I’M NEW” in the hospital, nothing freaks a patient out more than telling them that.  I’ve been wearing my badge since June so I was due for a new one at the end of August but no one knew where to find a clear badge. It’s honestly kind of nice wearing the new badge because it’s an excuse for everything :). Today one of the echo techs came in the office and I asked him if he had any clear badges and to my lovely surprise- he pulled out like fifty and gave me one for my name badge :D.

Pretty sad… the highlight of my day was getting this clear badge lol.

When I went home the sky was beautiful…

Ok, so it looks better in person lol.

I am sad. I have tomorrow off work but that means that I work for like the next 9 days straight, Ugh I wont get to see Steven at all when he’s home this weekend. We need his income bad but I hate that he works out of town. I want to be with him so bad.

I got married so young but I am super attached now and its hard. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. Its good and bad. Good that our relationship is that good, bad that I have anxiety because I have to go grocery shopping by myself and actually have to make decisions lol. It kind of stinks, working away makes things harder to have babies, not that Steven wants to yet … but I do… I need to see a doctor first anyways, and take L-methylfolate, and asprin (daily, for a long time pre-pregnancy). UGH, what fun is pregnancy when you really have to plan it out and be all nervous. Oh well, I guess I have a while to think since Steven’s no where near ready to try again 😥

How did I seriously write a blog this long about nothing???