Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
Yesterday was Steven’s business Christmas party. I didnt really want to go. All of the Christmas decor and children and happy people. I just wanted to sit by myself. I wished people would have stopped talking to me. Santa came to the party to surprise the kids… I stood in the back as all the kids went up and got their presents and were “wowed” at Santas appearance. When santa left, the kids ripped open their presents. One 3 year old boy ran up to his dad and said “Look dad!”. It was a play toy shaving kit with toy story characters on it. The dad pulled out all the stuff in it and showed the little boy how to use it. He began to “shave” his bare skin with a giant smile on his face. He giggled. I said “look Steven, hes so cute”. Just as I finished I spun around and lost it. I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I dug My face in Stevens arm and just cried till I could control myself. We walked to the side of the house. All I could think about is how that could have been my little boy. Smiling into his daddy’s eyes, wanting to be just like him- shaving and tractor riding and running in circles in the yard. But it wasnt my son. It wasnt my life. This wasnt my dream. It hurts so bad to just see children. I cant stand it. Every time I see a little boy my throat closes up and my eyes water. I cant stand it. That could have been my son.
The night calmed down and people left eventually and I had a little bit of time to just breathe and not see any kids thankfully.
I came home last night and spent four hours making my first hairband!
Its beautiful :). I stayed up till 1:30 AM making it but I love it and I wore it to church this morning… I should have taken a picture of that :). SO…. I have my first customer buying a headband for someone ❤ – Thanks ADAM PAUL HANNERS!!! I stinking love learning all this crocheting stuff.
Heres some coasters I made. You can tell which were my first ones and which ones I did last lol
Ive still been itching and feeling a little crazy. Just tired and emotional and anxious. Was supposed to start my period 4 days ago but idk,..Im not pregnant, took a test…. Wish I was, but we have a long time till that happens.
Gotta get ready for choir
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxious, boy, child, Children, Christmas, Christmas and holiday season, coaster, corchet, emotional, family, hairband, Santa Claus