Tag Archives: family

It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,

Momma.

https://mrscopelands.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/in-the-beginning/

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Aside

I am soooo close to vacation! I get one week every four months to have off of school (4 of those days are off of work too!). It cannot come soon enough. I am stressing so bad. The only super … Continue reading

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

Motherhood

I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.

Must vent!

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help. 

It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program. 

It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again. 

Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!

home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home. 

I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping  half decent relationships with people since I know they read this. 

All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast. 

 

Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them :(… ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 :D). 

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Welcome baby!

Its been such a long time because— you guessed it- Brea was born!!!!!!!

I have had such a hectic 3 weeks that I feel very much like I have lost 10 years of my life.

It was so hard to keep it a secret, I didnt want to come out and write my induction date (because we wanted to soak up Brea to ourselves in those first hours) but I was induced at exactly 38 weeks for my hypertension and I was ready. Brea was born on December 28th at 11:49 AM.  My pitocin started at 4:50 AM and I was 4cm dialated coming into the hospital. at 7:40 the Doctor came in and broke my water, my mother in law showed up soon after. My mom showed up around 9:30 (she was not feeling well  so she came later) when my contractions were getting a little out of hand. I was breathing through them but with much difficulty. At 10 AM I begged for an epidural, I was 6 cm then. 10:30 AM the epidural was in and it was AMAZING- no regrets, I totally felt better. the nurse checked me and I went to 10 cm in just that time that I was getting the epidural done. Around 11 AM I started to push and with each contraction (because I felt the urge very much to push).Steven stood on my left and held my leg and whispered how amazing I was doing. My mother inlaw held my right leg because my mom was in a lot of pain (but I know my mom would have loved to) Im glad my mom stood right next to me on the right and told me how close Brea was.  I was so excited that she was finally coming so I pushed with all my might :). My doctor came through the door at just the right time (after he had been drug stat to another room on his way to delivering my baby). Speaking of, I love my doctor,  he was great with the delivery and care of the pregnancy and baby… I pushed about 3 times once the doctor was there and there she was, screaming in my arms. I couldnt help but cry. We all cried. It was the best moment of my life. My baby was here, moving, screaming, and breathing. She was all mine now. Every one on the whole floor seemed excited for me. The nurses took the baby and cleaned her, Steven went with them 🙂 (he was very sick that day and night but he was totally involved and excited). Brea’s face and arm was bruised just from the way she came out of the birth canal but she was perfect either way. I didnt sleep for the next two nights. Overwhelming fear of her choking, not eating, and me not knowing what to do kept us both up. I winded up sleeping for like 1 whole hour with her in my arms in the bed, I dont care what the nurses said, I was going to hold her if I wanted.

We stayed from Friday to Sunday and we needed all the time we could get at the hospital so we could get all of those first time parent questions answered. We were clueless and completely fearful. But this was the most exciting time of our life.

We went home Sunday afternoon and on New Years went back to the hospital because Brea’s eye was infected and her Jaundice was terrible. They ran tests and admitted her due to the high bilirubin. She had to be kept under UV lights with these goggle things on her eyes. I was a mess. I cried all night long and I was exhausted- pumping and feeding EVERY two hours on the dot. Finally at 2 AM I broke down and called my mom and cried into the phone for about 10 minutes before I heard this desperate “Im so sorry, I wish I could be there for you right now”.

Automatic fear… I heard something in my momma’s voice that I have never heard before…. At that same time, my mom was across town, in the main hospital. She had been in pain for months and finally had it. She went to the ER and they told her that they found cancer. I lost it when she just said “I have to tell you something”…. I knew already what it was. I fell in my chair in that hospital peds room and screamed. (To this day I do not know how no one else heard me and came to check on me). I cried so hard that my face was puffy and  tomato red… How could I be sitting here complaining about getting no sleep and not knowing how to handle this baby (the thing I have prayed for all this time) while my mom was sitting alone in a hospital stretcher waiting to be moved to the oncology floor. How could I. How could this happen? This is the woman who is my ENTIRE world. She taught me everything. She grew me up. Taught me everything I know. Without her I would have not survived  Without her I would be an orphan. Without her I would be incomplete. She is a beautiful woman, strong, courageous, my mentor. I love her. I cant wait till she gets better.

We have yet to 100% find out where the cancer is coming from but they think it is from the uterus (which they removed). (The cancer has moved to the lung).  She has an appointment with the oncologist on the 30th.

So now you know how my last three weeks have gone. I have been running back and forth to mom’s house to see her with the baby. The baby is good medicine to her. I love my daughter and I hope to be here for a long time for her so I really plan to start changing my lifestyle.

I bought this book to share with my mom called the cancer-fighting kitchen and it has a bunch of cancer fighting foods in it. I would like to make something out of it once a week at least and phase out my diet to include healthy foods. I also will promise myself to get my pap done every year for my mom’s sanity sake.

I start school in a few months… days are just flying by. Feed, burp, change poop, bathe. Theres no time for anything else, I barely get time to take a shower. I love it all so much, it is just stressful and very very sleep depriving. I dont remember a night where I got more than 4 hours of sleep (broken up or not).

At least we have a good baby… except for some colic shes adorable and barely makes trouble.

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Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

Thats right, 35 weeks tomorrow

And another week down- BOOYAAH! So I am happy about the pregnancy, everything is going just fine. Im not happy about work and my doctors not being on the same page. On Oct. 29th I went to my specialist and they told me that I needed to go on medical leave (my OB wrote nothing in his notes about this) to secure a safe ending to this pregnancy with my hypertension and all… so Oct. 30th was my first day of leave at home. Since then I have been fighting with doctors offices to get my records, fighting disability (that I pay for from my paychecks!!!!), fighting the specialist for records, fighting for disability to actually send me things in the mail, and fighting to appeal the stupid denial that disability deemed “your bedrest was unneeded because you were feeling well at your last OB appointment”…. UGHHHHH , HELLOOOOOO. They dont get it. They dont get my stress, they dont get that I am 21 with NO INCOME and I certainly feel very burdened that my husband is trying to take on ALL of the bills himself. I have a baby coming and have drained all accounts that we have clear down to nothing because in the 5 and a half weeks that I have been off work, all parties have done nothing except for me calling around, chewing peoples heads off to get things moving. Even if I EVER get these medical records from my specialist and get my appeal letter mailed out, it could take 45 days to approve or deny the appeal and by then I will have had the baby and need to file a new claim for maternity leave. How frustrating is that, they take their time while people are barely living off of anything because it is not them and their finances and family that it is affecting. They never requested records from my specialist who actually put me on bedrest (how stupid). 

On another aggravated note, my specialist wants me to have the baby anywhere from a week to 2 weeks early (so do I) and my OB wants me to wait the full 40 weeks, he says that he will not induce. So the only way I will have any clue of when I will have this baby is if I start getting on the crazy lady labor inducing train and start some weirdo stuff to get this baby out after 37 weeks. 

Im assuming from here on out (well 36 weeks and on) they will pretty much start checking me at my weekly appointments? Ugh, gross, oww…. they have to do the strep b test tomorrow and lets just say, I DONT WANT TO! Im such a big baby, I dont want any checking or messing with or poking or prodding or anything going on down there… just saying. 

Aida has been throwing up and laying around a lot lately, Im sure she’s sick and I hope she feels better soon, along with me, Im still fighting this sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, and cough. I want it GONE before the baby gets here. 

alright, enough of my ranting about stupid insurance companies and doctors offices. I must go call the doctors office now and complain again that I still have not received the records I need so I know if I should continue to wait at the fax machine for them and at my computer to finish the appeal letter for maternal disability. Wish me luck…. 

Only a few more weeks little one, we can do it… we can do it.