Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
Warning: girl material ahead.
I dont know why I thought this would be easier. Im a mess. I looked awful today. My face is swollen and my eyes are red with black bags under them. I’ve probably lost a whole week of sleep in these past two weeks.
Of course I started my period today, The day before Seth’s “supposed to be birthday”. An ugly reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. I’m not a mom anymore. I feel so sick. I feel so emotional. I have an upset stomach and I’m not hungry at all.
I’ve been angry. Steven is working out of town of course and he keeps leading me on that he is coming home and then doesn’t show up, he all of a sudden finds more work. Its nice, we need the work and income but I’m dying. I want to be a normal husband and wife where we get to see each other every night . I want to see him every day. I want to sleep in the same room, not 300 miles away. I want to go on vacations together. I want to work on having another kid, that will NEVER happen with him working out of town. I have this fear that we just wont have kids…. Im just so angry at him. I just feel like nothing is working in my favor.
I should not complain. I have so much to be grateful for. Its just so hard when this day is here tomorrow and I will be all by myself, and then go to a wedding at which I will cry because I’m already emotional. I just want to lay in bed tomorrow.
Will my life ever get normal God? Im ok with a normal boring life, thats ok really, it is!
I miss being a teenager, I miss dating Steven, I miss having bonfires on cool nights, I miss being pregnant.
Nothing is going to make me feel better tonight and tomorrow.
Dear Seth Andrew Copeland,
You were so beautiful on your birthday. There were so many people there that loved you. As emotionally painful as it was I would trade everything to relive that day that I got to have you and hold you. I am in a lot more pain today than I have ever been in this last month and a half. You were a big boy. You had your daddy’s olive skin. You were tall and had your moms awkwardly long fingers and toes.
Your head was perfectly round and beautiful, just right for the shape and size of your body. Your skin was soft, your hands were tiny.. I wanted to see your eyes. I cry because of what I never had. I had all these dreams for you. I dreamed of you playing in the back yard. I dreamed you were a mommas boy who loved to get dirty like your dad. I dreamed you would build rock castles in the gravel in the yard. I dreamed you would ride the tractor with daddy and work on his truck. I dreamed you would make motor noises like your dad. I dreamed you would love school like your momma. I dreamed you would have that nice healthy dark hair. I just wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted you to run to mommy for all of your boo boo’s. I wanted you to confide in me with all of your silly childhood secrets. I wanted to watch you graduate and get married and have children. I thought of these things many months before I ever met you. You were on my mind from the time I saw that digital “pregnant” reading on that stick in the bathroom sink. I heard friends stories of having their babies and I couldn’t wait! I don’t like being this kind of mom. God knew you when he knit you together and He had a plan for you. I kept a journal for you to have when you got older. Every so often during my pregnancy I wrote you a letter about all my symptoms and your moves and my thoughts. I’m sure I threw it away when I came home from the hospital. Dad looked so amazed by you, I loved watching him hold you. His eyes and heart were so big as he bundled you up and looked at your sleeping face.You were dressed in a blue monkey outfit. Its funny I was just talking that week about how I didnt like monkeys but yet I had bought you a jungle themed crib set with monkey things in the room lol. You know if you ever wanted to come back, mommy would take you, I would say sorry for not fixing this awful boo boo before I did. Happy birthday my baby boy.
Posted in death, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Death, Father, God, happy birthday, Infant Loss, jesus, Lord, Mother, Parent, Stillbirth, stillborn