Tag Archives: friends

Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

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Uncharted territory, 34 weeks

Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here?  The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D.  Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).

Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).

In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂

Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂

Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

The year that has brought me here

Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.

These next few days are going to be rough ones.

Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.

I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.

I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.

Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.

Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.

There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.

Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!

 

A note to Mrs. Glenda

We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.

This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.

What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.

I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.

Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.

Cupcakes and friends

I wrote a post earlier, which I deleted. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I was very anxious when I wrote it. I am still feeling very anxious but I want to speak out some good truths because its what I mentally need. I am having a rough night because Im feeling funny and Steven is gone, I miss him so dearly when he is working so far away.

Good things that happened today- I got to see some friends. Even though we all live 30-60 minutes away from each other, we all come together every once in a while and its such a great time!

I made  cupcakes for the first time ever! Heck it was the first time I have ever baked (and it was all from scratch) and they were amazing!!! they were smores cupcakes and DELICIOUS!

I sold a baby hat that I made, it was at a whim using some new yarn, techniques, and my own pattern from inspiration of a very expensive hat on etsy.

I have time to relax to myself tonight, I may crochet, Ive been making swiffer covers, these bobble stitches are soooo awesome and fun to feel, it would be cool to make a soft baby blanket with this stitch.

I have some anxiety starting this new week but Im ready to get through it because next Monday I have an ultrasound and I find out what the baby is!

Im gonna watch some tv for a bit… 🙂 night