Tag Archives: God

Bring your burdens to me

I dont even know where to begin…

While everyone is worried about their appearance, their schoolwork, their night out on the town, other people are living in a world of chaos. You really never know how someone feels. It is so heartbreaking.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no one to talk to, No one that even cares what is happening in your life, No one that even asks- My momma always taught me one thing.  That it does not matter. God sees your every move. He sees you crying. He has bottled up every tear that has come out of your eyes. He is listening. There are times when you wonder when you will finally hear Him.

When will He call you.

It is here.

Be quiet.

Shhhhh…

listen.

This is my prayer.
I wish I had someone who knew. Who understood. Im not scared for me or my family. I just hurt because my mom hurts. I want her to feel better so bad. I want her healed. I want her pain free. This is the woman who gave me everything to get where I am. She provided me with every tool I ever needed in life and every idea to believe that I can do WHATEVER I want to do. No one else could have made me who I am because no one could have encouraged me to keep going like she has. No one has ever encouraged me like she is. Every time I ever doubted myself she reversed that doubt. No one has ever… ever…. ever cared for me the way my mom is caring for me still today. No one will ever know the friendship my mom has provided me with. When I literally have no friends, she is my friend. When I have friends, she is my friend. I look up to every way she has handled every situation. For the bravest and most intelligent woman I know, there is no reason God will not heal her. God, you have told me plenty of times that you are in control. You are. You have plans for us to prosper. I pray for complete healing, miraculous healing, unquestionable healing. Healing that will make this doctor believe in You. I pray for zero pain. For an overly well functioning body, soul, and mind. There is no God like you. There is no friend like you. There is no comfort like you. When we feel like not one person truthfully feels what we feel, remind us that you do and that you are taking care of it so we can show others in the future what true love feels like. Give us strength, give us hope, give us healing.

Tonight it is going to be very hard to study because I would rather be fasting and praying. While I will pray fervently, I hate that school would get in my way at all.

Tonight Im going to close my eyes and pray for every person who does not know where the next corner will take them, pray that they find peace and a true loving friend.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

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A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

Drawing near

More and more I find myself thinking about this baby in me. I see others post on facebook about their children, and I think about motherhood. I do not want to be a selfish mom. Of course I should not let myself go but I do not want to have the best of the best while my child is mediocre. I will not complain about my child or their health because I know what it is like to not have them here. I will not use them as an excuse to miss out on things or leave work or leave an activity. There will be times of course but I have a good feeling that God will give Brea a great temperament, He knows what I can handle. I will promise to not make people feel sorry for me when Brea’s not doing how I want her to do- because I will love her unconditionally with all of my heart, forever, and again, I know what it would be like if she was not here to do that.

It’s hard to say I wont shove Brea in people’s faces lol, Im going to be so excited. as the time gets closer every day I think about the joy of delivery and seeing her. I just cant think of living without her. This baby will be my baby. Steven and I made her, she came from me, and she will be taken care of by us… that is so crazy. She will always be around for the next 18 years and I will be responsible for leading her through life. What a gift! I wish times were super stable and I was finished with school because this baby brings to the table, feelings of family. Both my husband and I want a lot of kids because he has almost no family (no living siblings either) and besides all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I have just my mom and sister. (although I cant imagine living without aunts, uncles, and cousins. We want to have a family for our kids to fall back on, siblings who will be each others best friends…. I just have to remember that school is not that far away from being over. I only have 16 months from May 2013 till im finished, which will be here before you know it once Brea is born.

I have another ultrasound on Tuesday and I cannot wait!!! and then Oct.25th I have my 4d Ultrasound YAY! October is already here and it is so exciting. That means if I happen to go into labor around 38 weeks, it will be the week of Christmas and that is only 2 months away from October! Oh my goodness! lol. Im praying for a last week of December baby because it will make nerves, money, and everything else under the sun easier. ❤ Heres to a happy healthy baby.

Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

A note to Mrs. Glenda

We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.

This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.

What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.

I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.

Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.

Relaxing and going through baby things

Well, last week flew by. Here I sit at 19 weeks in a few days and I cant believe it. I am so blessed.

I am still very exhausted, that is unfortunately one symptom that has not left this whole pregnancy but Ill take that over daily morning sickness and headaches :).

Maybe why I am so tired is because I have been practicing my hypnobirthing as much as I can and I cant really do it while my husband is home so I do it while Im in the shower and driving (although very dangerous while driving lol). I have noticed now that it is so easy to just relax- all I have to do is breathe deep and BAM I am almost instantly in a state of sleep. Its amazing. I used it Sunday morning when I had to sing. I did not experience my heart POUNDING and my voice quivering like normal. I was of course very nervous but it was one of the few times that I felt like it was a very controlled nervous. The more I practice the better I get and I love it. I think its amazing that God gave me the power and choice to be able to slow down and rest :). This is the song I sang Sunday- with not near as much umph as Mandisa sings it lol.

I have not been worrying about the baby as much. In fact I am filling my time with positive things. I have been going through Seth’s things little by little (so we can pick out what things look more neutral that we can still keep for this baby) and Steven has helped also. It is hard and most times we only get in about 10 minutes a week but it seems like a long 10 minutes and by the time those few minutes are over I feel like I am choking and that is when I know I need to take a break. There is SO MUCH STUFF and SO MUCH has to be bagged and boxed, its sad. Now that we have actually separated the boy stuff out I feel a little overwhelmed. I need lots of hats (I have none), socks (have none), sheets and crib bedding (Steven is having a hard time keeping the jungle stuff in the room, he says it reminds him of Seth, I understand. The first thing he did when we looked at the room to separate things was rip off all of the bed stuff and put all of the jungle theme stuff away. He said he wants pink girly things that have nothing to do with animals so he is not reminded of Seth. I see how hard it is on him and it makes me hurt inside. He walked out of the baby room the other day and said “I have to go get a dip before I start crying”…. speaking of, he’s still trying to quit.)

So anyways. Time is flying and I cant wait for winter to get here. (Its sooo hot anyways that winter will be so welcome). Cant wait for the next doctors appt , time always goes really fast when something is scheduled. 🙂

Slow motion

Its funny how things that you have never been through can strike a memory in your brain. I think being pregnant just makes me extra sensitive to life.

During labor (when I was having Seth), from 7pm Saturday to 11:30 Sunday. It was all in slow motion. I remember, each breath was a a slow drawn out drone. Every blink of my eye took long seconds, I could hear music playing in my head. It honestly felt like death was near- in a very weird way because in no way was I near death. It felt like the room was spinning.

If that is what it feels like to lose a child, I cant imagine how many people go through this every day. Yesterday I got called to the OR for the first time… ever… I got off the phone with the nurse and ran to my machine, all in a panic I told the girl who was just leaving, “Oh my goodness, I did not sign up for this, I hate blood and guts, Ive never had to go in the operating room”… I think it was shear terror. Terror that I didnt know what I was about to face. Was it a young life on the table, in the middle of the operation? Was it someone I knew? Someone who looked like my grandpa? A life on the edge? Were they alive? As I  ran down to Pre-op, I was breathing heavy. I asked the nurse for a bunny suit since I did not have time to change in the locker room. She ran down the hall and minutes later came running back yelling (its a long hall lol) “EKG! EKG!… they canceled it”…. *sigh, I felt relief but later I just felt guilty. I do not know what happened to that person. It does not get easier for me every day. The things I see become more common, but the lives in which these things happen to are all different and special in their own ways. They all have families, they all have lives. It amazes me, the pure insensitivity that a lot of people in the hospital have. I hope I never lose that. A lot of people dont know the real me and there are a lot of things that have happened to me other than just Seth going to heaven. I think God just gives some of us more respect for life, more compassion.