Im so exhausted I cant wait till this class is over, Im like a zombie forcing myself to get up and do things. I work 2-10 so this morning , in like 20 minutes, Im supposed to meet some girls from school to study. I am just sick to my stomache about this class. I have had hives all week that come and go. I NEED to pass, I cant do this to myself AGAIN for another month. UGHH. The teachers attitude is the worst part, he dosnt put my grades in, accuses me of turning my stuff in late, cheating, and being stupid…… ????? I am an ALL friggin A student, seriously, you think I would try to fail this class on purpose???? Hes so stupid and he does not know how to talk to people at all, its like his brain is programmed and if you throw him a question he panics because he got off track of his lecture… hes so rediculous. I have 2 quizzez, 1 final, 1 paper, and 3 homework assignments left before this class ends next Thursday and I just want to lay in bed and cry. I HAVE to pass this. I dont want to stress the baby out for another month, that is my MAIN concern.
Dear Jesus, PLEASE- all I need is a 70 to pass this class. You know my needs and anxiety level, I cannot do this again, get me through and help me remember and apply all that I have learned (taught myself)!
Stay safe rainbow.
… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.
Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).
yeah so… thats about it.
I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck
my thoughts are…..
*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?
I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. AGHHH :(. I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O
Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, School, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, bag, Children, crochet, crocheting, Education, friend, friends, health, hobbies, homework, hospital, pattern, patterns, photo props, photography, photography props, physics, purse, school, Work
Im supposed to be doing my homework but I’m obviously side tracked. I was just thinking. The birth and death of my little baby boy Seth has effected a lot of people. You know when you hear that you are not the only one dreaming about the same things. My sister told me today. I dreamt you had a baby boy last night. The last week Ive had A LOT of dreams about having a baby. There was one night I dreamt I was in the hospital having a baby. One night where I dreamt that I had a 9 week and 20 week ultrasound (and it was VERY VIVID)…. ugh, its taking over lol. Its just interesting to think about how he has impacted our minds and when I think its not a big deal to others, little do I know, its sneaking into their unconscious minds while they are sleeping and effecting their brains too whether or not I consider it. My sister, mother, aunt, inlaws, and husband watched every painstaking hour of labor (and half of them were there for the birth), never left my side, and knew what was coming. The birth of my sleeping son. I give props to them. That had to have been hard to watch and deal with. While I did not have time to dwell on Seth’s death while I was in labor because I was in so much pain, they were well aware, unmedicated and watching the whole ordeal unfold in true reality. No one slept, and if they did it was VERY little. I remember waking up in the middle of the night every few minutes with contractions and everyone was right there. Messy hair, droopy black eyes, tired and there. How traumatizing was it for them too. I am so thankful they were all there. I needed every single one of them. They were all a vital part of me getting through this all.
Every day I have sincere, dark, vivid flashbacks of that day. Everyday.
“Theres no heart beat”
“Mom, we’re going to the hospital”
“why did you wait so long”
gown, visitors, sprite, pandora.
“Next contraction push”
“Theres nothing to be scared of”
“Are you sure you’re ready for us to take him”
Its just haunting.
Mother nature is supposed to visit tomorrow. (I hope she dosnt for nine months to be honest). Im ready. I need to move on even though i dont want to.
We put an offer in on a house. I WANT IT. PLEASE JESUS GIVE IT TO US!!!! It hasnt been on the market that long so Im praying that they take our offer so we can just move on with this house thing. I dont want to look anymore, this house just seems perfect.
ok… seriously, gonna do my homework
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, Children, Death, dream, dreams, family, Home, homework, house hunting, Infant Loss, jesus, Pregnancy, school, Stillbirth, stillborn