Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here? The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D. Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).
Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).
In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂
Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, Holidays, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Work
Tagged babies, baby, Baby shower, Children, Christmas, delivery, doctor, dog, dogs, family, friends, health, Holidays, Home, hospital, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Work
Ok, I think I am just getting used to the pain. The throbbing, the feeling of my head exploding, it is becoming normal. I have been temporarily deaf though for a few days. I cannot hear anything unless you are YELLING in my ear. Its hard to work like that.
I work in the hospital, and in the ER every other day so I stopped a doctor in the ER and asked if he would look at my ears. He said well, both ears are badly infected and those are the worst ears I have ever seen, they look like s—….. Then he proceeded to say, Im a little worried that you have a malignant condition, let me look up some medication that you are aloud to have. He found some ear drops that were different from the ones Im taking and told me “please go see an ear doctor after this is cleared up or if its not starting to feel better in 5 days”…
That makes me worry. I have always had bad ear problems but I never thought it was tumorous or cancerous. Ive had so many weird problems with this pregnancy its making me very scared. Im trying to keep my thoughts positive. I have my hypnobirthing material at my moms house, I just have to go get it now, maybe that will soothe me.
So anyways, Im praying that this new medicine that the ER doctor suggested started kicking in, clears things up and all will be well at the ear doctor, because I will go after this infection clears a little.
Ive been thinking a lot about my rainbow baby. I am desperate to feel kicks and start experiencing the baby. I am 12 weeks and my throwing up has subsided. I dont know if that is because Ive been in so much pain I havnt even considered throwing up or if the morning sickness is actually gone. Last time it did not leave till about 25 weeks or so.
Im a little worried. I know Tylenol is safe for pregnancy but Im still worried. I took it around the clock for two days and now I am forcing myself only to take it at night when I go to bed.
Steven has been, of course tired of me.
Sometimes I feel so guilty. I feel like I dont care about anyone but myself. Maybe I wont be a good mom or wife. Did God take Seth away because of my attitude?
I just hope the baby is ok, I dont feel pregnant anymore. Ive lost so much weight this week that my bump is completely gone now and not being sick dosnt make me feel any better about the baby.
I have a specialist appointment on the third and then my ob appointment the next week on the 12th of July. As far as I know, they will both do ultrasounds. I cant wait till this next one cause Ive just been worried with how Im feeling. I did call my OB yesterday and they sounded very sympathetic for my pain but very unconcerned. She said to just drink soups and take the ear drops that the ER doctor told me to take.
Im hungry… gonna start getting ready for work, wish me luck, I feel stupid when I cant hear my patients or other nurses that are in the room.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged doctor, doctors, Ear, ear ache, Ear Infection, Emergency Room, ER, family, health, hospital, husband, Morning sickness, pain, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Tylenol, Work
… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.
Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).
yeah so… thats about it.
I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck
my thoughts are…..
*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?
I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. AGHHH :(. I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O
Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, School, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, bag, Children, crochet, crocheting, Education, friend, friends, health, hobbies, homework, hospital, pattern, patterns, photo props, photography, photography props, physics, purse, school, Work
I have been addicted to crocheting lately. Its crazy, its all I think about and I cant sleep- that is pretty sad lol. I am super addicted to bulky/ chunky yarn too! its amazing, you can knock out a project (that would take you a month in regular yarn) in about 30 minutes! its amazing!!! Its just a little more expensive though. So Im probably going to make chunky yarn blankets for the hospital stillbirth boxes because Ive been taking too long and I need to get those out soon.
Heres my latest projects I did today and last night.
^ this turtle is a photo prop, its supposed to be used for this
> and yes that is where I bought the pattern from, I just made it a little different cause I didn’t want it to look exactly the same.
On another note…
I went to school yesterday for my last prep class before physics starts, the students were really encouraging and I cant wait to start the sonography program. It is going to be a lot of work but this is what I want. A girl told a story about her last clinical. She got called to the OB floor (at the hospital that I work at) and a lady who was 39 weeks pregnant lost her baby and she had to do the scan to confirm it. She said it was the hardest thing she has seen. I almost teared up as she talked about it. That is why I want to do this. I want to comfort those women, empower them with love and hope and a future. I need to be apart of this, that is why I changed my major, this IS my calling. I need to do this.
I need extra strength though and I pray every day that God will help me get through these classes and clinicals with a clear and open mind, mental strength, and guidance for a kind heart.
Im going to love my job 🙂
Posted in crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged babies, baby, blanket, blankets, Blankets and Bedding, calling, Children, clinical, clinicals, crochet, crocheting, Etsy, fun, God, happy, hat, hats, hobbies, hobby, hospital, Infant, infant death, Infant Loss, job, need, photo props, photography, photos, school, Shopping, sonography, stilbirth, stillborn, time, turtle, ultrasound, Work, Yarn
On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a … Continue reading
So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.
Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!
These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.
I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.
I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.
God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.
Posted in Cause for Action, crochet, death, Friends, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged art, babies, baby, church, Craft, crochet, crocheting, Death, God, Home and Garden, hospital, hospital births, Infant Loss, jesus, memory box, memory boxes, mom, mommies, mommy, Paint, Papier-mâché, Stillbirth, stillborn
I should not freak myself out but… I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said my thyroid was fine and my clotting factors were fine- but my liver enzymes were elevated, enough that he is concerned and wants me to have some tests done. Hes ordering another kidney test, some further liver tests, an echo cardiogram,EKG, and a duplex renal ultrasound. I think hes worried that it may be something with my kidneys, but I am terrified that something is wrong with my liver. I forgot to tell him that Ive been itching like crazy cause for a period of time it was gone and the last few days its picked up again. so anyways, in like 2 weeks Im gonna see him again but from what I think, itching and liver go together and I dont think it sounds good. Its so stressful, Im 20 and I dont drink or smoke or do any of that junk! He said my blood pressure was still high enough to be concerned about so he put me on some blood pressure medicine which he said hes not happy about because its not normal for a 20 year old thin woman to be on it.
Oh my word it just freaks me out. Its a good thing I I work in the EKG dept cause Ill just do my own EKG and Ill get one of the girls from next door in echo to do my echo. and my renal scan is scheduled for Monday…
UGH, I thought the blood work would be a sigh of relief but it just led to more tests and I just want to cry thinking about it.
Posted in anxiety, Health, Work
Tagged afraid, anxiety, Blood pressure, Conditions and Diseases, doctor, echo, echocardiogram, EKG, elevated liver enzymes, health, heart, hospital, itching, Kidney, Liver, liver enzymes, Medical ultrasonography, renal ultrasound, scared, ultrasound, Work, worried
Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.
He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone. Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.
In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).
It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….
Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.
I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!
Posted in crochet, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, crochet, emotions, ER, family, God, health, hospital, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, love, mom, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife
Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.
I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.
After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.
I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.
I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this
I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.
Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.
We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..
I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.
BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.
just want relief.
Posted in Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Music, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, Work
Tagged anxiety, car, church, Death, hospital, Infant Loss, Music, panic attack, school, singing, sleep, solo, Stillbirth, stillborn, tired, Work