Tag Archives: hospital

Doctor update

I should not freak myself out but… I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said my thyroid was fine and my clotting factors were fine- but my liver enzymes were elevated, enough that he is concerned and wants me to have some tests done. Hes ordering another kidney test, some further liver tests, an echo cardiogram,EKG, and a duplex renal ultrasound. I think hes worried that it may be something with my kidneys, but I am terrified that something is wrong with my liver. I forgot to tell him that Ive been itching like crazy cause for a period of time it was gone and the last few days its picked up again. so anyways, in like 2 weeks Im gonna see him again but from what I think, itching and liver go together and I dont think it sounds good. Its so stressful, Im 20 and I dont drink or smoke or do any of that junk! He said my blood pressure was still high enough to be concerned about so he put me on some blood pressure medicine which he said hes not happy about because its not normal for a 20 year old thin woman to be on it.

Oh my word it just freaks me out. Its a good thing I I work in the EKG dept cause Ill just do my own EKG and Ill get one of the girls from next door in echo to do my echo. and my renal scan is scheduled for Monday…

UGH, I thought the blood work would be a sigh of relief but it just led to more tests and I just want to cry thinking about it.

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What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.

He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone.  Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.

In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).

It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….

Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.

I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!

Relief please?

Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.

I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.

After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.

I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.

I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this

I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.

Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.

We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..

I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.

BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.

just want relief.

This is not my home

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Today I worked 6am-2pm. I was sooo tired, I still am. I started off my routine EKG’s today by first of all  having to go to the OB floor because the cardiac overflow is on one side of that floor and the birthing suites are on the other.  On my way to that floor a big bellied woman stopped me and asked where the birthing suites are. I looked over at her big belly, packed bags, and swollen face, and jittery husband. I said oh…. and couldn’t get anything more out. Finally after what seemed like eternity I spit out, just follow me, I’m going there. She seemed really scared. I asked if she was being induced on this early morning and she replied yes, this is my second but I’m still so nervous. I wanted to excitedly interject with “I had my son a month and a half ago and it was a breeze, he was beautiful but he passed away.” Oh, I’m sure that would make her feel better! So I just quietly took them to the elevator and on the awkward ride up she said “So… Are the birthing suites nice here”…. I don’t know I only lost my son in one of those… What was I supposed to say? I actually said – “Yeah I’m sure they’re nice, the ones in the cape are big.”…. when I rushed off the elevator I felt like I was gonna get sick everywhere but I felt better a few minutes later. I went to the first room and get the EKG and as Im pulling the leads off and the P.A. comes in and asks the patient how he was doing and he starts to sob- “My wife just died a few weeks ago. We were together for 60 years and we lived in assisted living together and now Im lonely. I blow her a kiss to her picture every day. I asked God to take me to her but He dosn’t listen. He does not care about me.” I cried. Every time I said something he talked over me so i just let him talk about how beautiful his wife was and about all his grandkids. The P.A. finally spoke up and I left the room quietly.

Later I went to the ER to help a co-worker who was getting slammed, we were over our bed count. We are a heart and kidney hospital so we rarely get trauma unless its a true emergency and the patient CANT make the drive to LEE. Well, we got a traffic trauma alert today and my co-worker came out of the room and said he didn’t make it. His chest was all deformed and his bones were all mushed to one side from doing CPR for so long. I believe he was only in his 20’s. It was sad. He was in that room for a long time before they moved him to the morgue.

I walked to triage because one of the nurses wanted to talk to me. We sat down between triaging patients and she told me her story. She has MTHFR (homozygous), Factor 5 Leiden, and thrombosis. She said since she was 19 she has had 2 pulmonary embolisms and 5 DVT’s. She gave birth to a wonderful boy 7 years ago who would not have made it if it wasnt for her supportive doctors. She said she went against advice and carried the baby to full term (she did start labor at 7 months but they were able to stop it and she had to be on bed rest for 2 months). She got her tubes tied because she could not safely be on any birth control and her doctors advised her not to have another child for the sake of her and her baby’s life. I could tell she wanted more children and she was saddened by it. She gave me the name of a specialist OBGYN who dealt with her MTHFR (I’m C677T heterozygous) and the name of a hematologist that she and her family has seen. Its good to finally find a doctor who knows what there talking about.

Now… I want to have a baby but Im actually praying that I dont get pregnant too soon because I dont want to miscarry from this disorder within the first three months that Im waiting to get insurance and go see these specialists. Yeah, Im mad, I have to wait 90 days to get insurance since I moved fom PRN to part time. Ugh, Ive been an employee there, why does it start all over :(. If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!

I didnt get to crochet tonight because I made food for the week for work and Im working on homework now so hopefully tomorrow. I cant wait till I have off Friday, Im so tired.

Friday will be hard. My friends wedding is that day. Thats the day Seth was supposed to be born November 11,2011… It will be hard to go to the wedding honestly. I really want to be there but It will be so hard. I know I’m going to cry a lot on Friday. I just cant wait to relax this weekend though.

I miss you son. I cry at random moments and long for you all of the time. You make me emotional but you make me appreciate life and all of the beautiful people I have and all of the wonderful things I have. I look at people differently. I no longer judge by looks. I honestly ball my eyes out when I see the homeless on 41 or in the hospitals on these cool nights. I cry when I think about how grateful I am to have such a loving mother who has been my best friend all these years whether or not either of us realized it. I cry when I think of all of the sleepless nights I could have had with you Seth. All of the truck toys that I may have stepped on while getting up to check on you in the middle of the night, All of the tractor rides with your daddy, All of the hugs and kisses and excitement, poopey diapers, warm spit up…. I miss it. I miss what I never had.

God does hear me. He cries with me. He wept when Lazuraus died because he felt the pain that Mary and Martha felt, He knew it hurt. He knows it hurts.

He is here to stay. Seth is there to stay. This is not my home.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

love, music and… ER?

So today was the start of a very long work week. I have to work the next eight days in a row (yay for work, poo for tiredness and not seeing my husband). Im pretty much sad that I wont really get to see Steven this weekend at all when hes home because Ill be working.

OK, tonight- I am forcing myself to blog because I want to BUT I feel terrible. I dont feel sick or sad. I just feel…fuzzy. Very FuZzY. I feel mentally messed up. All my thoughts in my head are more jumbled than normal and It gives me anxiety so when I got off work at 7pm I came straight to my bedroom. I just feel like I cant get words out right and I feel REALLY slow. I hate this feeling. ugh. I wish my husband was here…. OK, I change my mind- now Im sad lol.

Todays topics are health and music.

Health:

It is amazing and almost terrifying working in healthcare. I see so many things that it scares me to even think about going to the hospital (and I work at one!). A few scenarios if you would,

1) a couple weeks ago a man comes into the ER, the EMT’s are doing CPR as they come in. He was put in one of the major rooms and there were like fifty people there trying to figure out what to do. The doctor got the little history of the patient that the EMT’s could provide and he urged the nurse (male) to switch places with the EMT and continue CPR. After a few minutes the doctor was agitated that they were not getting any results from the CPR. He brought in an ultrasound machine and looked at the man’s heart, It was not beating, he said this out loud. I stood in the corner of the room and tears ran down my face because those were the words that I heard when we found out Seth was no longer with us. I had to be strong and breathe deep and keep my ground, this is work, this is someones life. The cardiologist yelled out I feel a pulse, am I the only one who feels this pulse? The ER doctor (lets just call him John Doe for ease of writing) shook his head and said I don’t know what your talking about, I feel nothing AND his heart is not beating.Doc John Doe asked the EMT how long it had been that we had been doing CPR and they replied- 15 minutes. John said… I think we should stop, this guy won’t come back after this long. The cardiologist said “NO! keep going!”. (Keep in mind, the cardiologists do not stay in the ER it was pure lucky chance and the grace of God that he was there). They continued for another ten minutes in which John Doe did not agree with and simply left the room because of it. I too had left the room because even if this guy came back to life, he would not need an EKG, the first thing they would do is whisk him off to the cath lab. After 25 minutes of CPR, this mans heart started beating! The ultrasound machine showed a beating heart he had a full good carotid pulse! Like I thought they whisked him off BUT, if that cardiologist was not in there by chance, that man would have never made it that night thanks to John Doe……

2) Tonight, there were hall beds out the ying yang! I know it’s season and snowbirds are coming back but GEEZ, there is no chance of getting a break when you see patients stacked against the wall all the way down the halls and people are yelling for water and blankets and food and whining about the tests that are being ran.

3) The doctors in the ER are normal people, but they are extra whiny normal people. They throw papers, they curse, they complain, they fight with other doctors, they get tired, they are almost always rude to us techs…. Whatever, dont take it out on me. Take care of your patients.

4) I asked a new echo tech where he went to school today. He said UCF. In return he asked what I was going to school for and I replied Diagnostic medical sonography which maybe I could test into echocardiography to do echos if I Please since there is a demand for that right now. He said “ugh, regular ultrasounds. Those are so gross, you see giant boobs and black toes and blistered legs… Im not into all that nasty stuff”. SERIOUSLY, if it wasnt for people who did these kinds of things, imagine how many people would be hopeless. This is so important! I know if I was the one with black toes, I would want someone to treat me equally as kind and make me feel like everything will be alright and I will make it. People need hope and only special people in this world can give it. I hope I can be one of those people. I want people to be comforted by the fact that I don’t care about the shape their body is in, Im here to do a test so you can get better, end of story- find comfort, Im not looking at you differently because you are ill- thats why your here and Im here. I didnt talk to the new guy any more after that, I thought it was inconsiderate.

5) My personal experience- I was told that I had MTHFR.WHY would I not want to make myself feel better?I do not know enough about the biological processes. I swear, if I had the determination I would be the best darn doctor EVER because I would have so much passion. I want to fix everyone and I truly care about EVERY patient that I see,

6) When I had my baby at the hospital (which I did not want to do because I wanted to have him at the birthing center) I was terrified. I literally had NOTHING but my phone with me when I walked in there. When I needed to take a shower, there were no wash cloths, soap or shampoo- SERIOUSLY, Im a woman having a baby here and you cant give me some freakin stuff to take a shower with??? I literally had to have someone bring me stuff from home so I could shower. The VHS player (yes I said VHS player) was not working so I could not watch the video on the epidural (that was probably a sign from God that I was not going to get the epidural lol). The floor was old and dingy. They were remodeling in the room next to me and all I could hear was an electric sander or drill or something for a long time when I first came in and thankfully the midwife went and told them to stop.

Enough of my ranting. Im sure you all are now terrified of hospitals lol.. that was not my point. They are a good place but they are also filled with people and people are flawed and they make mistakes and get tired and lose passion just like every other normal person on this earth.

On to my favorite topic MUSIC 😀 -So I want to share a couple of songs that I heard today.

This Song I heard today for the first time.

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that wouldn’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that Ive always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

Cause I can’t feel you breathing,
I can’t feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Making for the feeling
More than just a feeling

Pushing through the ceiling
Until the final healing
Looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

This is just so beautiful. I have ALWAYS loved Switchfoot. They articulate so well. They get the point across so beautifully, this is pure poetry. MMmm, so delicious I just want to eat it up! This is all my thoughts sometimes. I just want to find rest in Him.  This world is so broken and we desire whether we realize it or not to touch Him, to feel Him.

Then there is this song

“Not Alone”

Slowly fading away
You’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything’s gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

And I’ll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you’re finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you’re not, you’re not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope

Slow fading away
Your lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold

I heard this song multiple times before I lost Seth and today I heard it for the first time since I was pregnant…. I cant say what Im feeling any better than how these songs say it. They leave me speechless.

If you have not heard of THE WALLY SHOW (http://www.allwally.com/)

you HAVE to check him out.He puts the smile in my day. Him and Zach could make me smile for all eternity lol.

… Today God has taught me to love others. I talked to two women today who have gone through some painful times. Things that I have experienced, I hope he led me to say the right things.  That was my lesson though. Love. Love unconditionally. Love without judgement. Love till you cant love anymore. People need it and dont get enough of it today.

I myself and not perfect and I have felt down about myself. i dont feel pretty enough. I dont feel like a good enough wife. I just wish there was some way I could feel TRULY safe and comfortable. That no one else more beautiful or enticing will walk into my husbands life. He is so conservative and he would NEVER do that lol, hes SOOOO good to me, its just an irrational fear. REALLY irrational lol. I guess I just want to feel more beautiful and I want to give him butterflies like when we were dating. I want to make him happy. Isnt that every couples desire, to make their spouse fall in love with them every day?

I am MADLY in love with my husband. He was the guy who ASKED if he could kiss me and ASKED if he could hold my hand- thats right, I found him, the greatest man in the world lol.

oh my word, I have to stop writing such long blogs. Its not sane to talk to yourself this long :).

Goodnight.

P.S.- I love my mom and sister, they give me a smile and hope.

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