Tag Archives: husband

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

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Monsters reap what they sow

So this week I’ve made it to 37 weeks! My specialist still wants me to deliver at 38 weeks and my OB is not flying with that, he wants 40 so I just wish the baby would get out, the fighting over when she gets here stresses me out.

Meanwhile I am an anxious person anyways. Trying to work out bills, doctors visits, cleaning… you know, for an anxiety ridden person its all stressful in itself. but… I have been most concerned with others’ burdens. I have been told plenty of times that I have my own life to take care of but I cannot leave people to be miserable though if I love them. Its just in my tender heart to get them out of their mess. Especially when your family is so huge and you feel this way way to often- it’s sad.

I am thankful that I have a husband who’s heart is full of love, kindness, and help. He would do anything for anyone and I have found that out in the last year. I dont know how I could have ever missed seeing that in him (not that I have but glad that I have recognized it more and thanked him for it). Maybe he spoiled me too much because I think everyone’s relationship should be our way and I get upset when someone has anything less.

You know when you love someone sooooo sooo much that it literally hurts. It really really hurts when you love them that much and their quality of life is that of a caged dog- with a monster owner who is two faced with multiple personalities, who decides when they get to eat, when they get toiletries, when they are allowed out, when they can talk to their family (on monitored conversations), the verbal bullying, the constant putting down of you, the bare bare essentials are barely provided, the precious self worth/esteem and emotional health you had being stomped on…. no one should live like that.

I want to tell you- If you have a monster in your house like that, no matter how much they sweet talk, no matter how 2 faced they are, no matter how far they have gotten by by lying about the way they treat you- THEY WILL BE FOUND OUT BY MAN AND GOD. You reap what you sow.  When the ones that love this person are up ALL night wondering if this person is going to make it through the night, that monster will reap what they sow. When a loved one is crying because of the lost relationship they are experiencing because someone else has been convinced that their life will go no where without this monster, that monster will reap what they sow. 

To anyone and everyone that has been mistreated, let that monster know today that the truth is out…

People know who you are. I cant wait till you’re finally confronted one day.  Nothing you do is going to fix it because by nature of habit you will continually do what you do,family won’t forgive you for ruining their lives and emotional state of fear. Unless God changes both of our hearts you will never be anything more than what you have proven yourself to me as.

I want so bad to make this monster go away

to keep the one you love, make them stay.

Instead they choose the monster’s way,

because he knows how to manipulate.

He’ll fix today’s problem to try and win us back,

tomorrow He will be saying things that would make my heart burn- for a fact.

That monster will forever be in our lives and mind,

It’s scary how one animal, one day, can kill everything you had designed.

Christmas is exactly one week away and all I want is a healthy family with a healthy baby and for all of those people out there who are being lied to, to find the truth. That’s it.

Christmas is about Jesus. We usually do a tree and all but it just did not happen this year. There are more important things than a tree and presents this year.

Ready to meet Brea and try to forget about crazy people in this world. Be strong, be courageous, take a step out of the ordinary and take a chance on scary life without someone who has made all your plans for you. It is not my duty to bring them to justice if no one wants to do it, so instead I’ll let it happen the just way- they can reap what they sow.

On a happy note- I will see my precious baby in anywhere from 1-3 weeks and all I want to do is fill her precious head with positive affirmations of our love for her, nothing will stop me from making good things happen for her. Her dad is beyond excited and every day he gets a little more anxious.

some news

So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here).  What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.

Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.

So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day  from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.

I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.

There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….

I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.

Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!

 

Procrastination

Admitting that I am great at procrastinating, I will do it some more this morning. I am attempting to put off cleaning. Unfortunately Steven has to work (yeah on a Saturday, yuck), so I slept in and made breakfast and like a grown woman, am sitting here doing nothing. I always have these goals (ie. get cleaning done before Steven comes home so I can spend time with him) but they never happen in time. Besides I think he is going to hang out with a friend after work so…. yeah, fun.

After the maid comes to clean the house today (me…. believe me I would hire one if I could afford it lol) then I will probably sew. I am also highly thinking of opening an archives.com account. On livingsocial.com they have a deal for a 3 month subscription for 10 dollars, that would be cool to find things out about my massive family.

I have this cough and sore throat this morning, hope it goes away, but the cool thing is I just coughed and felt the baby move  and NO LIE, I saw my stomach move for the first time! Im 14 weeks and its great, as a non first time mom I know what baby movement is vs. gas :D. It was not any STRONG kick but I could feel the baby roll over and I looked down at my tummy and for like 5 long seconds and could see my stomach move and when baby settled down tummy stopped moving woohoo.

I was just laying in bed this morning thinking about how my tummy is getting bigger and moving is becoming uncomfortable (it is true, second baby makes the belly grow way uncontrollably faster). I thought, WHYYY, WHYYY did I want to do this again? …. because its beyond worth it!

Part of me wonders where I would be if I did not chose this path. I told Steven before, and I would still do it today if I was not married- when I graduated I wanted to join the military. I want the challenge, I want the distance. Steven and I had a long conversation when I was about to finish high school and at that point without saying it out loud we knew we wanted to marry each other so I decided to not go away to school and not join the military. I stayed in this old town of ours (and went to school here) and am just as happy that I made a life with him and had a family. There is nothing else that I want. God knew what was best for me.

Is it August yet? I want to see how big this baby has gotten! Man, I dont know about everyone else but when Im pregnant its all I can think about! I dont know how the men in our lives do it, they unfortunately have no way of being connected to a pregnancy until the baby is born.

okay, I guess I have procrastinated long enough… 😦 I am such a child lol.

Stay safe rainbow

P.s.- after actually getting to cleaning and listening to the radio, I head a commercial for a family who is fundraising for their daughter that lost her life to cancer in the area.

For those of us who have lost a child, I have finally realized- sometimes the reason why it hurts so bad is because I cant imagine being a baby or small child and not knowing whats wrong, going through death, how scary that must be. For a stillbirth I feel guilty that I could not see any signs. when I first found out that Seth’s heart was not beating at a long 33 weeks, I cried first because I was scared for him. What was he thinking? He was a completely developed baby, he would have made it if I would have delivered him the day before. A child’s innocence makes them stronger. Sometimes they dont know the fear that adults know about death. The loss, the absence, the pain. They dont know. Thats the pain that a parent carries with them forever. Wanting to be the one who takes the pain away. Love to that and every other family who has lost their beautiful princes and princesses.

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.

1st trimester coming to a close.

So… Im 13 weeks, still feeling the same- emotional, hungry, and sick, but its ok, its becoming normal. I had an ultrasound at the specialists office on Tuesday, it took all day (4 hours) waiting in the waiting room (UGH). The baby was STUBBORN, he/she would not turn the way the tech needed him/her to turn. We needed to see certain things like fluid on the back of the head and other measurements but the baby did not think that was important. There was jumping and turning and all kinds of silliness. The tech said, if you want to know what it is… it looks flat down there lol…. *sigh … she still said- Its so early, dont count on anything till the next appt (Aug. 7th)…. That will be the full fetal scan.

The genetic counselor said that I will see them regularly like my OB, once every 4 weeks  until my last trimester. I will see them anywhere from 1-2 weeks and will have a different test done at every visit. For example: non-stress test, bio-fetal exam, fetal echocardiogram…. its so overwhelming. I have been getting WAY more anxiety now that Im rushing into my second trimester, and with every ultrasound, there is a TON of growth. The bigger the baby, the scarier it is.

A lot seems to be going on, baby, school, need for some space at home, Steven and I working 2 different shifts. I had such a great time on the 3rd and 4th. Steven and I had off and we just spent the days together (minus my all day doctor appt). On the 4th we went fishing from 12-9pm and it was SO MUCH FUN.  By the way- I caught the most. (4 catfish, 8 trout, 4 snapper). Steven was shark fishing and they got a few bites but never got it in.

anyways, I now have to work like 75 hours between now and next weekend with only Tuesday off. It never used to be a problem but its difficult lately because I feel sooo unmotivated. I want to clean my house so bad and organize things and I have no motivation because 1.theres not space to put anything where we are … and 2. I have a human being sucking up all of my energy. … Here’s a picture of that human

12 weeks 3 days. July 3,2012. Heart Rate: 156

12 weeks 3 days. July 3,2012. Heart Rate: 156

12 weeks 3 days. July 3,2012. Heart Rate: 156

12 weeks 3 days. July 3,2012. Heart Rate: 156

I have another appointment with my regular OB on the 12th, next Thursday.