Tag Archives: Infant Loss

High blood pressure and so close to the end

I can tell that the end of this pregnancy is drawing near. These symotoms that I have been having were the last things I felt before I gave birth to Seth.

– hard time sleeping, every joint aches (mostly hands and shoulders), when I walk I can feel my hips pop in and out (I literally feel them growing outwards), high blood pressure, lots of potty time, all day headaches, and severe nightly heartburn. *Phew, did that cover everything?

It does not bother me as much this time around because I know that it is normal and I know that I dont have to deal with it much longer.  Except, … the blood pressure issue. Who knows why I have such high blood pressure, no one can figure it out. I am (normally) a normal weight, young, non-smoking, lots of walking -girl. They have done kidney scans, urine tests, protein tests, heart tests… nothing shows up. I switched from an automatic wrist cuff to a manual blood pressure cuff and there is a dramatic difference. The automatic cuff was not getting a proper reading. Last night when I checked it, I had just been sitting on the couch for about an hour doing nothing and it was 180/100 !???? Then, I waited a few minutes and asked Steven to take it to make sure I wasnt being crazy and it was 170/90!? Thats just scary. If my bp is that high when Im just sitting here, Im sure that it will be very high in delivery and I dont want to have to do a c-section only because its obviously scary. I can almost guarantee that they will put me back on procardia to lower my bp so I dont get pre-eclampsia or have a stroke or something. Im just so scared. After hearing that Seth probably died from a medicine that the last midwife gave me- I am TERRIFIED to take ANYTHING!

So anyways, as my headaches incur, I will try not to think about my blood pressure, moving, or anything for that matter because I am sooo close to the end and I will not let anyone screw this up!

Gonna try to take my pressure again, sleep this headache away, and wait for a phone call from my husband on whether or not we can move some small things over like pots and pans today to the new house.

some news

So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here).  What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.

Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.

So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day  from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.

I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.

There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….

I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.

Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.

Happy first birthday; to the man of my life

365 days. 1 year has flown by since Seth was born. He would have been 1 year old today.

I have A LOT of anxiety today. I woke up at 2am and had super bad heartburn and could not sleep, I sat up in  bed till about 4 for reliefe. I have been super super super paranoid about baby brea moving, I have not felt a strong crazy moving from her since a few days ago (even with a coke in hand). after much praying she barely kicked this morning and it was enough to relieve my hyperventilating anxiety.  she moves but not a lot. Im going to talk to the doctor next week about it.

Sunday went better than I expected. Probably because no one noticed that Seths birthday was coming up and of course no one remembers that he was born on a Sunday except for our family. No one mentioned him. I wanted people to at least remember him, but I did not want to be asked about him.

Seth, you are my first child, my first son, and the first time I was ever given the opportunity to love someone SO much that I almost jumped out of my skin. I never knew how much love could be felt just by having a child. It is unspeakable. It is amazing. I cry because I miss you, because I wish I could have stopped it, because I miss the dreams I had for you, and because I see everyone else with their almost 1 year olds and just want to fall apart. You have consumed my life and thoughts and have dictated this pregnancy. Everything I do, I think of how different it would be if you were here. I have nothing planned for your first birthday but I wish I did. I wish it was grand. (sounds crazy but I wanted to take a cruise to be away so I could make this day happy for you, but Im too far along to climb aboard according to the lines). I hope it is a beautiful day in heaven. I hope the angels are singing and you get a break from your homework 🙂 and all the 1 year olds come over to your nursery so you can all play harder than you have ever before. Grandpa Strait and great grandpa strait can visit you and tell you sweet stories about mommy. I can hear them laughing now. Its such a beautiful sound.

I heard the pastor preach on heaven and hell this week at church and he said all the things I ever wanted to say in the most perfect way. Why do I believe in heaven? 1. because my mommy told me so. Mom and dad taught me everything there was to know in the bible that spoke of heaven because I wanted to know. i remember at 4 asking momma and dad every question I could think of and they both sat down with me and like a grown up told me the straight up truth. 2. because my heart tells me so. Part of me died the day you did Seth and I felt the tug of heaven. I felt it in my grasp. I felt you leave my arms and go rest in Jesus’. I have felt this way about my own daddy after he died but you led me up to the gates and went on without me, like the big boy you are. I feel it in my heart. 3. My savior tells me so.  “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you” john 14:2. I believe that what God says is true. He would not have lied just for fun. In fact, you cannot catch Jesus in a lie ANYWHERE in the Bible, so why would he start with what he says here?

I miss everything about you. You felt so perfect in my arms. You were warm and chunky and so beautiful. You were a baby in my arms. I was a mom holding her son.

Dont forget me. One day we will meet, I wonder how old you will be then. Daddy and I miss you. I remember how family like it was 365 days ago. How close we drew together to plan your funeral. You were the closest thing we had to having everything.

I will never forget you. I cant believe it has been a year. You are precious.

 

The year that has brought me here

Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.

These next few days are going to be rough ones.

Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.

I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.

I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.

Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.

Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.

There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.

Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).

Another week down

Ok… so I have been struggling the last few days. People are having their baby’s around here and I know that I have plenty of time left but its making me so nervous. For some reason in the past 48 hours I can just close my eyes and smell the hospital room, feel the gown that I was wearing, and see myself breathing. I told Steven last night, I love Brea (I think this is what we are going with for her name) but it does not fill the void of having a son. Nothing will fill that void but I feel like a boy would make me so happy. Brea will make me happy… Im just still mourning Seth.

I thought maybe I was having a UTI so I called the doctor. We discussed my (VERY mild and intermittent) symptoms and I discussed how terrified I am to take any medication because during the last pregnancy I had a yeast infection for the ENTIRE pregnancy and finally the birthing center gave me a pill to take, they said it would start working in 24 hours. That day that I took the pill was the last time I felt Seth move. The nurse on the phone said “Oh honey, that pill is never recommended for pregnancy, I dont know why they gave that to you, we would never give you anything that would harm the baby. (she then prescribed an antibiotic that Im not going to take because I think its just my pregnancy and no infection).

My heart sunk. I feel so guilty now. I feel so angry. Almost a year after my son was born, I find out that this could have been the reason for his death. I put my trust in these women I was seeing, this birth center completely tried to make me feel like I had power, like I could make decisions, Yet they could not make a good decision for me. I want the whole place to shut down. I was told that other people have heard horror stories of babies dying from the center but yet I had never been able to find any facts that coincided with those statements… I cannot  believe it. There is nothing I can do now and the birth center will still continue to treat women….. Wow. Talk about guilt and paranoia. Now I REALLY dont want to take any meds (and I always get a lot of infections during pregnancy). Im just aggravated.

I hope this week goes fast. I need this pregnancy to hurry up so I can see this baby, Im tired of being scared and anxious and crying every day… always wondering if today is the last day that I will know you.

21st birthday

Ive been busy lately, its nice cause it makes time go by faster.

My 21st birthday was this week on Tuesday. It was great. My husband took the day off and just drove me around and stopped wherever I pointed lol. We stopped at Seth’s grave and talked for a little while.  Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse and it was WONDERFUL. I had a great time. The girls at work got me a cake too yesterday :).

Ive been thinking about a lot lately….

having our own home with some room,

starting school (I cant wait to wear those scrubs and get to ultrasounding!!!!!)

shaving my legs is like being blind and holding your breath while playing a sport… IMPOSSIBLE

Seth’s 1 year birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I cant believe a year ago we had the worst day of our lives. It was amazing to meet my son and tragic under the circumstances. I never thought a year after saying goodbye to my son, I would be half way through another pregnancy with a baby girl on the way. I never thought we would be where we are. Seth made us special people. I miss him so much. It hurts.

It will be harder later this month. I just cant believe it has been a year, it has gone by so fast. It was like I held him yesterday!

 

A note to Mrs. Glenda

We never talked on a regular basis and I never expressed my gratitude towards this woman like I should have. All I could do is sit back and admire her from afar. She was too beautiful and too strong to approach sometimes. She was giving and very heartfelt. If I could choose to be someone in life, it would be her.

This amazing woman of God would take charge and do whatever she had to do to get things in order and done. She played a HUGE role in my wedding and baby shower. I cried like a baby when I heard last year that she had gone to be with Jesus (and still cry as I sit here writing this). Little did I know that weeks later my baby boy would be sitting right there with her. Her grief stricken husband preaching at Seth’s funeral… I found out at my shower (the week before Seth passed away) that Mrs. Glenda told Mrs. Ott to put on my cake “happy labor day”…. She was so adorable, so thoughtful, at a time when she was so sick, she was not even thinking about herself.

What can I say… No other woman has shown me how to be SO fearless. The wrapping up of the year since she left is a terrible terrible reminder of the following greif on Seths birthday. But who taught me how to be fearless on that day? Without her knowing, she did. Without many people knowing, Steven and I talked very often in the weeks following our son’s death about Mrs.Glenda and her love, and her and Seth meeting.

I miss her and her example. I just wish sometimes I would have paid attention a little more and said thank you a little more.

Thank you for your fearlessness. See you soon.

Relaxing and going through baby things

Well, last week flew by. Here I sit at 19 weeks in a few days and I cant believe it. I am so blessed.

I am still very exhausted, that is unfortunately one symptom that has not left this whole pregnancy but Ill take that over daily morning sickness and headaches :).

Maybe why I am so tired is because I have been practicing my hypnobirthing as much as I can and I cant really do it while my husband is home so I do it while Im in the shower and driving (although very dangerous while driving lol). I have noticed now that it is so easy to just relax- all I have to do is breathe deep and BAM I am almost instantly in a state of sleep. Its amazing. I used it Sunday morning when I had to sing. I did not experience my heart POUNDING and my voice quivering like normal. I was of course very nervous but it was one of the few times that I felt like it was a very controlled nervous. The more I practice the better I get and I love it. I think its amazing that God gave me the power and choice to be able to slow down and rest :). This is the song I sang Sunday- with not near as much umph as Mandisa sings it lol.

I have not been worrying about the baby as much. In fact I am filling my time with positive things. I have been going through Seth’s things little by little (so we can pick out what things look more neutral that we can still keep for this baby) and Steven has helped also. It is hard and most times we only get in about 10 minutes a week but it seems like a long 10 minutes and by the time those few minutes are over I feel like I am choking and that is when I know I need to take a break. There is SO MUCH STUFF and SO MUCH has to be bagged and boxed, its sad. Now that we have actually separated the boy stuff out I feel a little overwhelmed. I need lots of hats (I have none), socks (have none), sheets and crib bedding (Steven is having a hard time keeping the jungle stuff in the room, he says it reminds him of Seth, I understand. The first thing he did when we looked at the room to separate things was rip off all of the bed stuff and put all of the jungle theme stuff away. He said he wants pink girly things that have nothing to do with animals so he is not reminded of Seth. I see how hard it is on him and it makes me hurt inside. He walked out of the baby room the other day and said “I have to go get a dip before I start crying”…. speaking of, he’s still trying to quit.)

So anyways. Time is flying and I cant wait for winter to get here. (Its sooo hot anyways that winter will be so welcome). Cant wait for the next doctors appt , time always goes really fast when something is scheduled. 🙂

The baby is a….. !!!

If you’re wondering where I went, I have been busy this week with doctors, days off, and practicing for a song that I am singing on Sunday.

So Monday I found out that we are going to have a …. GIRL!!! Oh my goodness a girl! What am I going to do with a girl!? Oh my word Im crying lol. We are so happy and so excited. Steven just kept saying in the ultrasound “I am so happy” over and over. I cant believe it.


^ 17 weeks 4 days. HR:158

^ 17weeks 4 days HR:158

^ 16 weeks 6 days (ultrasound at work 😀 )

It is a little hard. After the ultrasound we got in the car and Steven said – “I just want to go home and cry for the rest of the day, I miss Seth”. Ive never heard him say anything like this before.

These next few months will be full of bittersweet moments as we must take the time to go through all of Seth’s things and sort out the neutral clothes and blankets from the boy ones.

Today Im going to hang out with a couple of my favorite girls from high school (from way back when lol… ok 3 years ago :D) and then try to go to Once Upon a Child (my FAVORITE store) and go through some of Seth’s things before choir practice tonight. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, cant wait to see the baby again (im assuming I will).

I guess I should get up and clean a little bit before I get ready for today. I laughed when Steven told me that the reason he has not put away the pile of his work clothes that are taking up the whole dining room table or washed one cup in the sink that he’s used all week- is because he has been busy…. Wow you mean I havnt worked all week and done all the laundry and been keeping up with everything? lol… I love men, they think they are getting away with so much with their AWFUL excuses. 😉

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.