Tag Archives: Loss

It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,



A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

The year that has brought me here

Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.

These next few days are going to be rough ones.

Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.

I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.

I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.

Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.

Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.

There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.

Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).

Dreams come true

This amazes me as much as it does you. IM PREGNANT! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Ok so I’m very excited and so so happy, there is nothing more that I have wanted and it could not have happened at a better time. I am very leery of letting people know but I splurged it on facebook today because Steven was mad that I wasnt telling people. I guess that is good to hear from him but I dont think he knows the terrifying feeling that I have. I am TERRIFIED that something may go wrong. I am only 4 weeks and 2 days but as my husband told me, what matters if you lost the baby at 6 weeks or 36 weeks, people will find out.We live in a close knit town and go to a close knit church and have lets just say, blabber mouth friends tehehe.  And this is true, so while this is real and while this is happening I want to celebrate! with all of my insane mood swings and tears, with every ounce of indigestion, with every gas bubble, belly ache, and yes- with every vomit filled morning – I welcome you my rainbow* angel baby! You are the center of my world right now (well, Im still thinking of physics too for about 3 more weeks lol).

What I am scared of – I have MTHFR. This could mean my blood could clot and deprive angel baby of needed bloodflow. So I PRAY with all of my might that every day God will breathe into this baby and give it the life that it needs to meet me in 36 weeks.

I am going to call the doctor tomorrow to ask a few questions. Someone at work who also has MTHFR saw this doctor and said he is the best around and after looking him up online there was not 1 bad review out of every review written (that is a miracle for doctors around here lol).

I need to ask

1. Will I see Dr.F every time when I come in since this is a large practice?

2. Do I come in earlier than recommended because Ive had a previous stillbirth?

3. Do I need to be taking asprin while waiting for my first visit so my blood is not clotted to the baby?

4.What are your hours?

I need to ask the Dr.

1. Am I high risk?

2. Will I be on blood thinners?

3. Will there be any extra monitering?

4. My blood pressure was high, I stopped taking my medicines and its back to normal, should I still be taking the meds or should I just be keeping a record?

5. Why have I been itching on and off for a year? Is it more than stress, I have a suspicion of what it could be since it falls in line with MTHFR mutations but I dont want to freak myself out, how have my past blood works turned out or is there new blood work to make sure that I am ok?

Yes… Im doing this because back to the note-taking it is. Pregnancy brain (fuzziness) has already set in and I have sticky notes with things to do laying all over the house.

OH AND- I bought one of these babies!- 

The Sonoline B fetal doppler! I heard its great and I think it will make me feel more at ease, these are must have things for women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. I read awesome reviews and it looks like ussually around 9 weeks is when you can hear with this doppler and it shows you the heart rate on the screen = <3.

Ok… I cant think straight lol, Im going to finish studying for my test tomorrow and soak it in and I am more than anxious about talking to the doctors office tomorrow.

Stay safe rainbow baby

*for those of you who do not know: women who have lost a baby and then have another often refer to the following living baby as a rainbow baby.

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.*

To hear it from another….

My story  in my baby sisters eyes.

Kick me while Im down, go ahead

Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.

I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.

Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….

Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.

[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]

I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.

Press On

Today was just another beautiful day. I did not sleep well last night, I guess its cause Steven was not here. I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore but now that work is back on track for him, its back to the routine of being alone again week after week.

Work was interesting… I had a few hard moments today.

1) in the elevator a transporter asked me how the baby was… I replied “he passed away”. He said, “You had him and he passed away”… “Yes”, I said. This look of complete horror filled his face and as he spit out the words “I’m sorry” I ran out of the elevator as soon as it opened.

What do you say to people? “Oh its OK…”…. No it’s not, I’m not going to say that. I’m tired of telling people that it’s OK and trying to comfort them for feeling stupid for asking. I know he didn’t know but why should I have to comfort you for bringing it up…

2) I walked to the ER to help the other tech down there and as I stood at the plug in where my machine was and booted it up, a tiny baby was crying right behind me. The mom was lulling the baby in her arms and baby talking. I wanted to turn around and yell at her to go to her room and close the door instead of walking around the halls like an idiot, traumatizing me. Of course I just sat there with my mouth closed and once the machine booted up and unplugged it and walked away.

I guess those were the only two times… If there were more they weren’t traumatizing enough for me to remember to write about it tonight.

I walked by these old men tonight in the lobby when I was going to check a machine on the other side of the hospital. There are three of them that sit there every night and do a Bible study with there giant old man print Bibles and big concordances. They are adorable and they are not ashamed. I love it. I sometimes walk out towards the lobby just to see them. They don’t know that I sit from afar and admire them. I know it sounds creepy but you just don’t see unashamed faith like that anymore. I was going to take a picture of them to include in this blog- but that would have been even more creepier :).

As you can see, the pencils are pointing to what was done (the left) and what needed to be done (the right)… *sigh… I was the only one who edited on top of doing actual EKG’s( and homework and reading, lol) so that little stack on the left was A LOT, it took me well over two hours to do that and when I got done, I was not doing any more by myself. I’ll have to pick up where I left off on Thursday when I go in.

This was my homework I actually did a little bit of today. (The left side green stuff is for this week… LOTS of reading)

Here is the book I’m reading. It’s so beautiful. I will definitely write about it once I am done with it. Angie talks about the story of Lazarus from Mary and Martha’s perspective and it is such an eye opener on how I deal with the death of Seth.

OK… here’s some hospital advice. I don’t know about other hospitals but for ours, if you are new -you wear a green tagged name badge for your first 90 days so people know that you are new without you having to wear a giant pin that says “HI I’M NEW” in the hospital, nothing freaks a patient out more than telling them that.  I’ve been wearing my badge since June so I was due for a new one at the end of August but no one knew where to find a clear badge. It’s honestly kind of nice wearing the new badge because it’s an excuse for everything :). Today one of the echo techs came in the office and I asked him if he had any clear badges and to my lovely surprise- he pulled out like fifty and gave me one for my name badge :D.

Pretty sad… the highlight of my day was getting this clear badge lol.

When I went home the sky was beautiful…

Ok, so it looks better in person lol.

I am sad. I have tomorrow off work but that means that I work for like the next 9 days straight, Ugh I wont get to see Steven at all when he’s home this weekend. We need his income bad but I hate that he works out of town. I want to be with him so bad.

I got married so young but I am super attached now and its hard. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. Its good and bad. Good that our relationship is that good, bad that I have anxiety because I have to go grocery shopping by myself and actually have to make decisions lol. It kind of stinks, working away makes things harder to have babies, not that Steven wants to yet … but I do… I need to see a doctor first anyways, and take L-methylfolate, and asprin (daily, for a long time pre-pregnancy). UGH, what fun is pregnancy when you really have to plan it out and be all nervous. Oh well, I guess I have a while to think since Steven’s no where near ready to try again 😥

How did I seriously write a blog this long about nothing???

Its Halloween

So today I was having a hard time.

Steven is out of town working (thank God for work, we needed it), but I wanted to spend the day with him.I wanted to take a Halloween decoration to Seth’s grave, but it was raining. Its been raining all week and I haven’t been able to go see him. I walked to the mailbox in the rain upset when I woke up. To my lovely surprise the necklace I ordered from Etsy.com came in!

I am so excited! Its beautiful, better looking than I imagined. I am going to wear this necklace every day for the rest of my life! The chain that it came with was actually a very good one but I put it on my gold necklace since that is the one steven gave me when we were dating and I saved the original chain in the box. I was surprised to see it. It was supposed to take two weeks but it only took one. So anyways, that made my day quite a bit.

We carved our pumpkins a little early but I had the best time doing it! It was my first pumpkin carving. I carved the owl :-).

I cant believe its Halloween. These next few days will be hard. Its hard to think that this could have been Seth’s first Halloween. His due date was exactly 11 days from today, Oh my word, imagine how thrilled I would be right now.

I sat in his room for a little while last night. there is so much stuff in there. So many little clothes. I was ashamed for thinking this but I am not anymore after thinking about it. I don’t want him to be cold and wet so I have come to hate the rainy days and this cool fall. I thought – how stupid and un-theological is that, but- how un-theological is it that we go visit a grave. A body with a person that is not there anymore. It is only the human in us. It is only the mom in me. Sometimes when I am really tired, I find myself holding my arms in a cradling position. When I go to bed I see his hand and wake up when my hand reaches out to touch his and it just rubs against the bed. I want so bad to share pictures with you of my sweet baby but at the same time I don’t want to loose him. Its such a weird feeling. I just feel like there’s still a piece of him left and its the last piece and I don’t want it to all be over after his face is out there. Its hard to explain that your a mom with no baby. I have all of this baby stuff and I just want so bad to have another baby. My heart says I’m ready but my head says not yet. Of course my lovely Steven, I must care about his feelings too. I can tell he misses Seth. He took the words out of my mouth yesterday. I noticed he was uncomfortable at church yesterday and he left the service a little early to go sit in the truck. When I got there he managed to get out “every time I look at that alter, all I see is his casket”. “Me too” I said. No matter how many flowers or pumpkins or decorations go up there I’ll always see his tiny little casket laying up there.

Its not getting easier, but what can you do. I’m not gonna lie, It hurts to hear about everyone else’s pregnancy updates, showers, pictures, big bellies, kicks…. But there’s no reason to stay away from that for my whole life, I don’t need to make my “triggers” worse, which there seems like there are a lot.

I hope that there are many beautiful children out there tonight that get to enjoy this Halloween and their parents really really cherish them. Every breath, step, word, and beautiful big eyed looks. They are your gift, your reason. Never take them for granted.

I’m not going to make it to the cemetery today. I really want to but with just me working I don’t really have the money in gas and decorations to go out there. Maybe I can visit on the way to work this week since its not really out of the way.

I have some homework I need to catch up on but I want to leave you with a beautiful song I found. I am reading Angie Smith’s book “I will carry you” that she wrote after losing her daughter. It makes me cry really bad, lol, but she has so many beautiful truths from the Bible in it. Her husband is the lead singer of Selah and they wrote this song in memory of their daughter that they never got to bring home. These are their pictures from the hospital

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i’m not
Truth is i’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen Me
To carry you

The answer

My midwife called me with the results of the blood tests. Seth had a blood clot in his cord. I have MTHFR (the mother-father gene) or (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase). This gene causes blood clots, misscaraiges, strokes, heart disease…

This MTHFR gene does not allow amino acids to convert into other amino acids and eventually leads to important protiens not being able to be made. Its amazing that Seth made it to the size that he did before he passed away. Ussually babies of mothers who have MTHFR die in early weeks as an early misscariage.

There are many risks to having more babies. They could get a clot again, I could misscarry before I even get to far, they could be born with spina bifida, autism, (any type of neural defects). I am praying for my next pregnancy in the future to be healthy. My family has had a lot of healthy pregnancies. Theres no reason for me to surpass those risks with the treatments there are today.

I was told when I am ready to have a baby again that I need to have a “pre-pregnancy consultation” to make sure Im taking high doses of folic acid before I get pregnant. I will need to take asprin and possibly other blood thinners or extra B vitamins.

Its a 50/50 chance. Its terrifying. To know that my next pregnancy will be lived out in total fear= TERRIFYING. I was sick to my stomach all day waiting for a phone call. Im glad to know that we have the chance to take precautions for the next one but its so scary to know that I could possibly have multiple losses. As much as I dont want Seth to be alone up there, he has Jesus, I dont want to send him more brothers and sisters for my sanity’s sake.

I could or could not have problems having more children. my midwife told me “each pregnancy is a risk and you must be prepared for what might happen”.

Yes Im a little angry. So many people spit out kids with no problems and I have a genetic disorder that could stop my babie’s developement at any time that it decides to silently attack. I will be worried until the last minute of my next pregnancy. I would probably be happy to induce at the moment my doctor says im ready. Its scary, I dont want to hurt any of my children.

Now I know… Life is short. I am different.

Life goes on

Today was my first day back at work since I gave birth to Seth two weeks ago. It was so nice to be back to work. It was a good feeling….

My feelings go up and down but I am overwhlemed at the Lords beauty of people. Sometimes it seems like this world is too lost and hopeless but I have been shown more love in the last two weeks than I have ever known apart from the love of Jesus. The people at work treated me so well.

I have been so fascinated with heaven lately. All I can think about is getting there to see me son. How long will it be, when will it be my turn. I know Hes waiting for me. I think amidst all of this storm I just knew, and this was probably all that kept me sane, I knew that my baby boy is just in Gods day care waiting for me to come get him when its time. I just feel like he is going to grow and learn and be nurtured just like a normal child. I know he is waiting to see me. Im waiting to see him.

I read heaven is for real by todd burpo. That was an amazing book and I encourage everyone to read it especially those who have lost a child *chapter 17= meant for me… I can just imagine heaven every time I hear music, or talk to Jesus, or anything- everything brings Jesus and heaven and my son to mind. I am so consumed by it all. I am consumed by Jesus.

I thought the other day, I mourned the loss of my son, but the loss of my son was nothing like the loss of God’s son. His son was beaten, hair ripped from his face, flesh ripped from his body, stabbed, nailed to a cross. How do you not become bitter after losing your son in that manner. Of course its God, how could He be bitter at Himself… He was showing me how to mourn. He showed me how to look forward to seeing my son again. I am thankful that God took my son more peacefully than His, that sounds selfish in a way but im sure He understands, thats why Im the sinner and He’s my savior. Seth took his first breath in heaven, first steps in heaven, first words in heaven- that is a much better life than what this world could offer.

Im sure heaven is beautiful and bright and busy. I can see my baby playing with his grandpa and great grandpa’s and Jesus- our Savior!

I am still healing myself. Its not easy, I still cry a lot. I still ask why alot. But I feel closer to heaven now more than I ever have. I feel on the verge of stepping into eternity because this life we live is just a mere second in time. I wish one day that I will be a great mentor. I hope that I can minister to young women and also women who have gone through what I have gone through. Nothing will take the place of Seth but he has made my love for the Lord grow massively and made my desire to help people deepen. I feel such compassion for people now. I want to save them all.  I want to fix them all. There is only one great healer, His name is Jesus.

There is a place for babies who never get the chance to have their firsts here on earth, that place is heaven. My baby only got to go there because someone gave His son up to die for mine.Thats beautiful.

I will never forget holding Seth. I will never forget what he looks like. I think God engrains these experiences with children in a womans mind so that we will remember who they are in heaven.

I hope the women out there who feel guilty, scared, angry, etc. for losing a baby, should just remember that their sins can be cleansed and they can meet with their child again one day. Heaven is different, we do not have the same earthly feelings up there. Our children will not ask us why we abandoned them, they will not be angry with us. It will be joyous.

I hope God uses me one day. I do not want to forget Seth or let his story be forgotten in vain. I want him to live on by helping me help others heal.