Tag Archives: love

It’s here, 2 years… the reason why I blog. Seth’s Birthday

Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.

September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth.  My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.

I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day.  I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.

It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.

God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.

I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.

Dear Seth,

Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.

You ever loving mommy,

Momma.

https://mrscopelands.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/in-the-beginning/

Motherhood

I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.

Must vent!

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help. 

It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program. 

It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again. 

Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!

home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home. 

I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping  half decent relationships with people since I know they read this. 

All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast. 

 

Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them :(… ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 :D). 

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The norms of pregnancy going on week 29

It feels like forever since I have written but time is flying. I literally wake up in time to get ready for work, rush to work, rush home, eat, go to bed. everyday. lol… all I do literally is eat, sleep and work. I love it, Im thankful. Im just exhausted from the pregnancy. It now takes a good 2 minutes to roll over in bed (which happens every 15-30 minutes at night) because I have so much pressure when I move. The severe insomnia has set in within this last week. I barely sleep it seems like I just toss and turn and stare at the clock all night long. There is laundry all over, dishes in the sink, half finished blankets I have not worked on for the baby, ugh, I think I will literally save up some money for someone to do my nesting cleaning for me because I cannot move without being in pain. I do remember it getting harder around this time with Seth but I was not as big as I am now so bending and moving was at least still manageable.

In 2 days I get my 4D ultrasound WOOOHOOOO! Im pretty excited about that, so is my husband and everyone else of course, I cant wait to show you all pictures and videos.

Im starting to not fit in my work uniforms and they are expensive and of course have to be the hardest color to find in the book (pewter) *yuck*…. so Im just squeezing into them till the seems rip because I refuse to buy anymore because Ill already have to buy some after I lose my baby weight and go back from maternity leave.

Oh I forgot to mention, in 2 days I also have my glucose diabetes test. Ugh, last time I had to drink that stuff- on the last gulp, I almost threw the whole thing up. It was pretty awful. Pray for a good round this time and that its all ok, I cannot give up sweets this pregnancy, its all I crave. From this week on I have a doctors appt. every week! I cried  on the way home from work last night when I realized that I will be 30, yes three-zero, 3-0, thirty, 30weeks next week! oh my word we are so close to the finish line :). I will still be anxious to the end of course because I lost Seth at 34 so I will never feel calm about ending a pregnancy but here’s to the rest of the pain, sleepless nights, and awful mood swings-

all for you my lovely daughter.

The baby is a….. !!!

If you’re wondering where I went, I have been busy this week with doctors, days off, and practicing for a song that I am singing on Sunday.

So Monday I found out that we are going to have a …. GIRL!!! Oh my goodness a girl! What am I going to do with a girl!? Oh my word Im crying lol. We are so happy and so excited. Steven just kept saying in the ultrasound “I am so happy” over and over. I cant believe it.


^ 17 weeks 4 days. HR:158

^ 17weeks 4 days HR:158

^ 16 weeks 6 days (ultrasound at work 😀 )

It is a little hard. After the ultrasound we got in the car and Steven said – “I just want to go home and cry for the rest of the day, I miss Seth”. Ive never heard him say anything like this before.

These next few months will be full of bittersweet moments as we must take the time to go through all of Seth’s things and sort out the neutral clothes and blankets from the boy ones.

Today Im going to hang out with a couple of my favorite girls from high school (from way back when lol… ok 3 years ago :D) and then try to go to Once Upon a Child (my FAVORITE store) and go through some of Seth’s things before choir practice tonight. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, cant wait to see the baby again (im assuming I will).

I guess I should get up and clean a little bit before I get ready for today. I laughed when Steven told me that the reason he has not put away the pile of his work clothes that are taking up the whole dining room table or washed one cup in the sink that he’s used all week- is because he has been busy…. Wow you mean I havnt worked all week and done all the laundry and been keeping up with everything? lol… I love men, they think they are getting away with so much with their AWFUL excuses. 😉

Motherhood

September is drawing near, VERY fast. So much is happening. I have been so anxious of course, you all know that, that is me.

September used to be one of my favorite months. Its the coming of fall (although in Florida its just another HOT month). Its my birthday. (this year is my 21st birthday- Im OFFICIALLY a big girl?!!!?!!!). But this year… It is my son’s first birthday. I want to think of it as a happy day but every time I look at the 25th on the calendar (exactly, to the day, 3 weeks past my birthday), I cry. How in the world has it been a year since I saw my son?

I told Steven last night, … I think I might take a couple days off around the 25th so Im not emotional at work. He dosnt understand. He said, “why are you sad, you have a new baby on the way?”…. Really? Really?….. I just really miss him. I knew it wouldnt but in my head I thought, this baby has to make up a little bit for Seth passing away…. it does not. Its just harder.

I think more often about being a young mom. This is what I wanted. I went to specialists to try and plan a healthy pregnancy, I begged my husband to start trying again. And now… well, Im scared. I still have to finish school, get a home, its nerve wracking living pay check to pay check, being the one to carry the full time regular paycheck, and I wanted a child? God will grant me the sanity and strength because he obviously meant for it to happen. I have to remember that there were 7 long months in between Seth and this baby in which I really expected to be pregnant and when April came I had no expectation at all. I dont even remember doing anything to make a baby to be honest lol.

I want a full term healthy baby. It will happen. I cant believe that I will be coming home with a baby In January and I will have a baby to put in the crib and show off, teach, take care of, love on, spoil.

I have been thinking about telling my mom how much I appreciate her since I had Seth last year. Im not a mushy person, I hate crying in front of people but I never said a real thank you to my mom.

Mom,

I never could have imagined how much a child means to their mother till I had Seth. I remember all of those angsty teen nights in which I was so angry at you for taking things away from me, being upset that I was moving out, getting married, moving on. I took the last years of my childhood away from you and I am sorry. I cannot believe all of the grief that I gave you and I never understood, I never knew that you could love anyone more than any other person or thing in the world. A child produces a very special kind of love, a love that literally hurts, its overwhelming how much you need them when you think its all about them depending on you.

Thank you for putting up with me. For letting me go with less grief than what Im sure I will give my child. I now see how hard it is to let them go.  I see how hard it is to let them grow up and be an adult. I cant imagine my baby being an adult, on the same level as me, making their own decisions and seeing them less. Going from living with them every day to letting go every day. Less calls, less visits…. it’s not something I want to think about. Thank you mom for giving up your life to raise us. Thanks for giving it your all, providing everything, and giving us everything we ever wanted. It is amazing that you gave up so much to give us so much. I can never express my full appreciation now that I have become a mom.

You are strong, beautiful, and can do anything. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hollie berry.

 

-Stay safe rainbow.

Ear infection again?

Im writing this to keep myself from killing myself lol… Ok that was a joke, dont start freaking out.

I totally have a non-pregnancy related ear infection. It has given me a fever and I feel like CRAP. My ear is throbbing, It hurts to talk or move my head in ANY way. Im not lying, this is worse pain than labor, IT IS! I cant open my mouth, I cant chew food, and I am in the worst pain I have ever been in. I feel so much pressure on the whole left side of my face, I feel like a baby is going to come out of my ear! I dont have any tylenol but either way my doctor told me not to take it cause my liver isnt exactly functioning all that great. I just want some pain relief.

Steven has been SOO good to me today. He took me to the doctor, thank God convenient care is open on Sunday! Then he took me to get my prescription filled, tried to take me to eat, tucked me in when we got home, and applied a hot pack to my face every hour with my ear drops for a few hours. Im trying to stay up because I really want to sleep tonight, I didnt at all last night and I just need a break from some of the pain.

Oh dear Lord, get this infection out of my ear, I cant do anything but lay here and cry.

 

Children and life

I find myself watching TLC a lot of mornings, there are some sad and interesting shows about children with disabilities.

Although no one wishes that for their child and I pray that God gives me a very healthy baby, there is no way I could not love a child who had a disability. I tried to tell a friend once before they had a baby, the love for your child is so overwhelming. Its something that you have never felt before. You will never feel this much love for anyone else. It changes your life.

A child is a gift and no matter what they look like or how they are born, they are your pride and joy, special, beautiful.

I told Steven last night. I have anxiety about this pregnancy of course. I have a hard time moving already (which means housework dosnt always get done, which means some people arent happy since this isnt all our house), I get lightheaded, Im nervous about our very tight living quarters. I itch all of the time. I am just nervous. Although I wish I had some more days off work, I could not live without work keeping my mind busy right now.

Thankfully Steven has been helping me with cleaning a lot and making food at night. He has been nesting lol. Im so happy that he is subtly telling me that he is happy about the baby. He rubs my belly at night when I come home from work, he cleans the house when I dont say anything.  Im thankful.

I hope work goes by fast tonight. I have to work in the ER. My hips hurt so bad and its painful to walk..

Stay safe rainbow.