Tag Archives: marraige

Trying

These past few days have just not been good… I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a zombie. I’ve had severe insomnia. I haven’t gotten more than 2 hours of sleep a night since last week. My brain feels like mush. I cant get my words to come out right. I’m exhausted. I don’t know why I cant sleep, its soooo aggravating. I’m moody, angry, crying…. I have had a couple of panic attacks in the last few days. I just feel crazy. I’m so tired. Im really emotional. Yesterday was really scary. My face and tongue and hands went numb for a few minutes but thankfully feeling came back after a few minutes. I’ve had stabbing headaches and my body has ached especially in my joints.

My husband is outside having a meeting with the guys, they are about to take off for work again this week. That is depressing. I want to cry. I want him to be home but I know hes trying to support me, us. Sometimes the people that they hire, I don’t like but… whatever its not my say.

Im still SLOWLY getting through my book “I will carry you” from Angie Smith. I dont want to put it down but Ive been so tired lately that I have to.

Today I bought yarn and crochet hooks. I’m going to teach myself! And I’m going to make awesome stuff lol… or so I think. Like this!

anyways, you get the ideas, theres tons of useful things you can make. And if I get good and have time I want to learn to sew again… I just need something simple and small to keep me busy, I’ve been feeling way to awful lately.

Here’s the stuff I bought

Im going to start off with a scarf just so I can get the technique down cause I have no clue what I’m doing.  Wish me luck. I hope I keep up with this and make something cool.

Meanwhile. My list to do this week

school, grocery shopping, check out car loan approval, laundry, read, and SLEEP

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory.php

This site is awesome for stuff to make 😀

P.S.- I don’t post on weekends cause my husband is home then 😀

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love, music and… ER?

So today was the start of a very long work week. I have to work the next eight days in a row (yay for work, poo for tiredness and not seeing my husband). Im pretty much sad that I wont really get to see Steven this weekend at all when hes home because Ill be working.

OK, tonight- I am forcing myself to blog because I want to BUT I feel terrible. I dont feel sick or sad. I just feel…fuzzy. Very FuZzY. I feel mentally messed up. All my thoughts in my head are more jumbled than normal and It gives me anxiety so when I got off work at 7pm I came straight to my bedroom. I just feel like I cant get words out right and I feel REALLY slow. I hate this feeling. ugh. I wish my husband was here…. OK, I change my mind- now Im sad lol.

Todays topics are health and music.

Health:

It is amazing and almost terrifying working in healthcare. I see so many things that it scares me to even think about going to the hospital (and I work at one!). A few scenarios if you would,

1) a couple weeks ago a man comes into the ER, the EMT’s are doing CPR as they come in. He was put in one of the major rooms and there were like fifty people there trying to figure out what to do. The doctor got the little history of the patient that the EMT’s could provide and he urged the nurse (male) to switch places with the EMT and continue CPR. After a few minutes the doctor was agitated that they were not getting any results from the CPR. He brought in an ultrasound machine and looked at the man’s heart, It was not beating, he said this out loud. I stood in the corner of the room and tears ran down my face because those were the words that I heard when we found out Seth was no longer with us. I had to be strong and breathe deep and keep my ground, this is work, this is someones life. The cardiologist yelled out I feel a pulse, am I the only one who feels this pulse? The ER doctor (lets just call him John Doe for ease of writing) shook his head and said I don’t know what your talking about, I feel nothing AND his heart is not beating.Doc John Doe asked the EMT how long it had been that we had been doing CPR and they replied- 15 minutes. John said… I think we should stop, this guy won’t come back after this long. The cardiologist said “NO! keep going!”. (Keep in mind, the cardiologists do not stay in the ER it was pure lucky chance and the grace of God that he was there). They continued for another ten minutes in which John Doe did not agree with and simply left the room because of it. I too had left the room because even if this guy came back to life, he would not need an EKG, the first thing they would do is whisk him off to the cath lab. After 25 minutes of CPR, this mans heart started beating! The ultrasound machine showed a beating heart he had a full good carotid pulse! Like I thought they whisked him off BUT, if that cardiologist was not in there by chance, that man would have never made it that night thanks to John Doe……

2) Tonight, there were hall beds out the ying yang! I know it’s season and snowbirds are coming back but GEEZ, there is no chance of getting a break when you see patients stacked against the wall all the way down the halls and people are yelling for water and blankets and food and whining about the tests that are being ran.

3) The doctors in the ER are normal people, but they are extra whiny normal people. They throw papers, they curse, they complain, they fight with other doctors, they get tired, they are almost always rude to us techs…. Whatever, dont take it out on me. Take care of your patients.

4) I asked a new echo tech where he went to school today. He said UCF. In return he asked what I was going to school for and I replied Diagnostic medical sonography which maybe I could test into echocardiography to do echos if I Please since there is a demand for that right now. He said “ugh, regular ultrasounds. Those are so gross, you see giant boobs and black toes and blistered legs… Im not into all that nasty stuff”. SERIOUSLY, if it wasnt for people who did these kinds of things, imagine how many people would be hopeless. This is so important! I know if I was the one with black toes, I would want someone to treat me equally as kind and make me feel like everything will be alright and I will make it. People need hope and only special people in this world can give it. I hope I can be one of those people. I want people to be comforted by the fact that I don’t care about the shape their body is in, Im here to do a test so you can get better, end of story- find comfort, Im not looking at you differently because you are ill- thats why your here and Im here. I didnt talk to the new guy any more after that, I thought it was inconsiderate.

5) My personal experience- I was told that I had MTHFR.WHY would I not want to make myself feel better?I do not know enough about the biological processes. I swear, if I had the determination I would be the best darn doctor EVER because I would have so much passion. I want to fix everyone and I truly care about EVERY patient that I see,

6) When I had my baby at the hospital (which I did not want to do because I wanted to have him at the birthing center) I was terrified. I literally had NOTHING but my phone with me when I walked in there. When I needed to take a shower, there were no wash cloths, soap or shampoo- SERIOUSLY, Im a woman having a baby here and you cant give me some freakin stuff to take a shower with??? I literally had to have someone bring me stuff from home so I could shower. The VHS player (yes I said VHS player) was not working so I could not watch the video on the epidural (that was probably a sign from God that I was not going to get the epidural lol). The floor was old and dingy. They were remodeling in the room next to me and all I could hear was an electric sander or drill or something for a long time when I first came in and thankfully the midwife went and told them to stop.

Enough of my ranting. Im sure you all are now terrified of hospitals lol.. that was not my point. They are a good place but they are also filled with people and people are flawed and they make mistakes and get tired and lose passion just like every other normal person on this earth.

On to my favorite topic MUSIC 😀 -So I want to share a couple of songs that I heard today.

This Song I heard today for the first time.

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that wouldn’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that Ive always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

Cause I can’t feel you breathing,
I can’t feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Making for the feeling
More than just a feeling

Pushing through the ceiling
Until the final healing
Looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

This is just so beautiful. I have ALWAYS loved Switchfoot. They articulate so well. They get the point across so beautifully, this is pure poetry. MMmm, so delicious I just want to eat it up! This is all my thoughts sometimes. I just want to find rest in Him.  This world is so broken and we desire whether we realize it or not to touch Him, to feel Him.

Then there is this song

“Not Alone”

Slowly fading away
You’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything’s gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

And I’ll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you’re finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you’re not, you’re not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope

Slow fading away
Your lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold

I heard this song multiple times before I lost Seth and today I heard it for the first time since I was pregnant…. I cant say what Im feeling any better than how these songs say it. They leave me speechless.

If you have not heard of THE WALLY SHOW (http://www.allwally.com/)

you HAVE to check him out.He puts the smile in my day. Him and Zach could make me smile for all eternity lol.

… Today God has taught me to love others. I talked to two women today who have gone through some painful times. Things that I have experienced, I hope he led me to say the right things.  That was my lesson though. Love. Love unconditionally. Love without judgement. Love till you cant love anymore. People need it and dont get enough of it today.

I myself and not perfect and I have felt down about myself. i dont feel pretty enough. I dont feel like a good enough wife. I just wish there was some way I could feel TRULY safe and comfortable. That no one else more beautiful or enticing will walk into my husbands life. He is so conservative and he would NEVER do that lol, hes SOOOO good to me, its just an irrational fear. REALLY irrational lol. I guess I just want to feel more beautiful and I want to give him butterflies like when we were dating. I want to make him happy. Isnt that every couples desire, to make their spouse fall in love with them every day?

I am MADLY in love with my husband. He was the guy who ASKED if he could kiss me and ASKED if he could hold my hand- thats right, I found him, the greatest man in the world lol.

oh my word, I have to stop writing such long blogs. Its not sane to talk to yourself this long :).

Goodnight.

P.S.- I love my mom and sister, they give me a smile and hope.

[random]

Press On

Today was just another beautiful day. I did not sleep well last night, I guess its cause Steven was not here. I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore but now that work is back on track for him, its back to the routine of being alone again week after week.

Work was interesting… I had a few hard moments today.

1) in the elevator a transporter asked me how the baby was… I replied “he passed away”. He said, “You had him and he passed away”… “Yes”, I said. This look of complete horror filled his face and as he spit out the words “I’m sorry” I ran out of the elevator as soon as it opened.

What do you say to people? “Oh its OK…”…. No it’s not, I’m not going to say that. I’m tired of telling people that it’s OK and trying to comfort them for feeling stupid for asking. I know he didn’t know but why should I have to comfort you for bringing it up…

2) I walked to the ER to help the other tech down there and as I stood at the plug in where my machine was and booted it up, a tiny baby was crying right behind me. The mom was lulling the baby in her arms and baby talking. I wanted to turn around and yell at her to go to her room and close the door instead of walking around the halls like an idiot, traumatizing me. Of course I just sat there with my mouth closed and once the machine booted up and unplugged it and walked away.

I guess those were the only two times… If there were more they weren’t traumatizing enough for me to remember to write about it tonight.

I walked by these old men tonight in the lobby when I was going to check a machine on the other side of the hospital. There are three of them that sit there every night and do a Bible study with there giant old man print Bibles and big concordances. They are adorable and they are not ashamed. I love it. I sometimes walk out towards the lobby just to see them. They don’t know that I sit from afar and admire them. I know it sounds creepy but you just don’t see unashamed faith like that anymore. I was going to take a picture of them to include in this blog- but that would have been even more creepier :).

As you can see, the pencils are pointing to what was done (the left) and what needed to be done (the right)… *sigh… I was the only one who edited on top of doing actual EKG’s( and homework and reading, lol) so that little stack on the left was A LOT, it took me well over two hours to do that and when I got done, I was not doing any more by myself. I’ll have to pick up where I left off on Thursday when I go in.

This was my homework I actually did a little bit of today. (The left side green stuff is for this week… LOTS of reading)

Here is the book I’m reading. It’s so beautiful. I will definitely write about it once I am done with it. Angie talks about the story of Lazarus from Mary and Martha’s perspective and it is such an eye opener on how I deal with the death of Seth.

OK… here’s some hospital advice. I don’t know about other hospitals but for ours, if you are new -you wear a green tagged name badge for your first 90 days so people know that you are new without you having to wear a giant pin that says “HI I’M NEW” in the hospital, nothing freaks a patient out more than telling them that.  I’ve been wearing my badge since June so I was due for a new one at the end of August but no one knew where to find a clear badge. It’s honestly kind of nice wearing the new badge because it’s an excuse for everything :). Today one of the echo techs came in the office and I asked him if he had any clear badges and to my lovely surprise- he pulled out like fifty and gave me one for my name badge :D.

Pretty sad… the highlight of my day was getting this clear badge lol.

When I went home the sky was beautiful…

Ok, so it looks better in person lol.

I am sad. I have tomorrow off work but that means that I work for like the next 9 days straight, Ugh I wont get to see Steven at all when he’s home this weekend. We need his income bad but I hate that he works out of town. I want to be with him so bad.

I got married so young but I am super attached now and its hard. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. Its good and bad. Good that our relationship is that good, bad that I have anxiety because I have to go grocery shopping by myself and actually have to make decisions lol. It kind of stinks, working away makes things harder to have babies, not that Steven wants to yet … but I do… I need to see a doctor first anyways, and take L-methylfolate, and asprin (daily, for a long time pre-pregnancy). UGH, what fun is pregnancy when you really have to plan it out and be all nervous. Oh well, I guess I have a while to think since Steven’s no where near ready to try again 😥

How did I seriously write a blog this long about nothing???