Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
I think I finally let go of the anger I’ve been harboring the last couple of months… finally. It does not mean that it’s easy to hear about pregnancies or babies but I have less harsh of thoughts. Christmas evening was very therapeutic.
Thanks to another stillbirth mom blogger, I took her idea of letting off wishing lanterns on the beach. Before we went to the beach, we stopped at the park near home to take some pictures because Steven and I have NEVER taken ANY pictures since our wedding day (almost a year and 9 months ago). It was SO much fun and Im so thankful. My wonderful friend Kayla got a new camera for christmas and snapped these beautiful pictures.
This was just wonderful. It was emotionally uplifting and just gave me a moment to smile which I havnt felt a true one in a while. Steven was in a bad mood at first but when he got to lighting the wishing lanterns he finally came around. Im just ready. Im ready for the new year. Im ready to move on. Im ready to get a house (we are on the search for our permanent home (YAY)). Im ready to start a family.
Two young women came up to us while we were lighting our lanterns and asked me what my wish was, I replied in a desperate and crazy blurting out “BABIES, I want babies!” lol, Now that I look back at that, its funny that I sounded so crazy, but thats what my mind is thinking. A group of Canadians that were down visiting the beach stopped and asked if they could pay us for one wishing lantern. The womans daughter was pregnant and they wanted to wish a healthy baby.My husband said, “you know what its Christmas… here, take one”…. It was God. In that quiet night with crashing waves, God reminded me that babies are still being made, life is still going on, and other people are still existing with beautiful children. And thats ok. I pray God gives us another, but if He dosnt, I pray he keeps me away from the bitterness that is so easy to harbor. It was nice to share this memorial experience with you all.
All for baby Seth.
Posted in death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, beach, Christmas, Death, family, God, Holidays, Infant Loss, jesus, memorial, photography, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, wishing lanterns