I have not been writing what I really feel for the last year because my dear mother had been very sick and she read my blog like a hawk. I loved that. She was battling a very rare and aggressive cancer and I did not ever want it to cross her mind that I was giving up on her fight. I never gave up on her.
Last week On Tuesday March 4th, 2014 (4:32pm) at the sweet tender age of 45, my beautiful mother took her last breath. I do not know how I will survive or go on, or just breathe. Everything hurts. When I look at my phone and see her texts, pictures, her name on Skype, her Facebook, I miss her so bad. My body hurts, my brain hurts. I cannot concentrate. I am 5 months from finishing school and I do not know how I will do this. She was the reason I lived to succeed. Now I have no one to encourage me. She was so proud of me. She was so selfless. the day before she died she asked if I was doing my homework because she was worried that I would fall behind. She was thanking the pastor for taking time away from his family to come see her. She was telling me that she just wanted everyone to know that she was desperate for them to believe in Jesus so they could all see her again. She didn’t complain about her pain, she didn’t complain about dying. I watched the bravest woman ever. There legitimately will never be another woman like her in the world. I hope I live to be just like her. I watched her fight vigorously for 1 year and never stop taking chemo, even though it was not working. She had so much to live for- 2 young daughters and a beautiful 1 year old granddaughter.
Anger, denial…. I dont know. I keep thinking shes just on vacation, she will be back. I keep having nightmares that I am laying next to her on that last day we had together. I keep missing her. I dont want to be a mom, I dont want to be a wife. I just want to be a mourning daughter. But I have to keep going, and it is not fair.
I dont want to eat or drink or see people. I just want to sleep for a very very long time. This is the worst kind of pain. Slowly losing my mother over a year, knowing this day was approaching. Slowly seeing her beautiful body transform into a different sick person.
No one will know. No one will understand. I am 22 and have lost my Father, Mother, and son. How in the world could life be worth living. I know people have had it bad but could anyone really understand the pain?
Every night before bed I pick up my phone and realize that I cannot call my mom to tell her about my day anymore. My best friend. She will not be reading this post. She will not like it, or comment on it. She will not be here to hug me when I cry in bed tonight. What will I do when I’m sick and want her to hold me or when I need someone to believe in me?
I dont need her in heaven. I need her here.
Mom, you were the best mom. I dont believe that you are gone. You were only 45. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. We were supposed to go shopping and go on trips and do our hair and exercise together and share my kids, craft, cook…. What happened. Where did it go. I feel so robbed. I feel so lonely. You did everything you could. You never gave up. someone who tried so hard should not be allowed to go. There wasn’t a bad thing about you. We needed more time with you. You were my security. You were my rock. You taught me everything. You never did me wrong. I will miss you. Those are not even enough words to describe how much I hurt. Cancer is ugly and I wish so bad it did not deteriorate you and slowly make your last year intolerable. I wish it was not like this. I dont understand. I am not nearly as strong as I was when I lost Seth. Maybe that has to do with not having you here to support me and put good thoughts in my head. As much as I smile and say I’m good for everyone, I say it because there is no way to explain the emptiness. You were beautiful. I never want to grow old because I don’t ever want to forget one tiny detail about you. There are no words to describe you.
I miss you.
I wish you were reading this.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, School
Tagged cancer, cancersucks, goodbye, mom, momma, mommy
I dont even know where to begin…
While everyone is worried about their appearance, their schoolwork, their night out on the town, other people are living in a world of chaos. You really never know how someone feels. It is so heartbreaking.
Sometimes when you feel like you have no one to talk to, No one that even cares what is happening in your life, No one that even asks- My momma always taught me one thing. That it does not matter. God sees your every move. He sees you crying. He has bottled up every tear that has come out of your eyes. He is listening. There are times when you wonder when you will finally hear Him.
When will He call you.
It is here.
This is my prayer.
I wish I had someone who knew. Who understood. Im not scared for me or my family. I just hurt because my mom hurts. I want her to feel better so bad. I want her healed. I want her pain free. This is the woman who gave me everything to get where I am. She provided me with every tool I ever needed in life and every idea to believe that I can do WHATEVER I want to do. No one else could have made me who I am because no one could have encouraged me to keep going like she has. No one has ever encouraged me like she is. Every time I ever doubted myself she reversed that doubt. No one has ever… ever…. ever cared for me the way my mom is caring for me still today. No one will ever know the friendship my mom has provided me with. When I literally have no friends, she is my friend. When I have friends, she is my friend. I look up to every way she has handled every situation. For the bravest and most intelligent woman I know, there is no reason God will not heal her. God, you have told me plenty of times that you are in control. You are. You have plans for us to prosper. I pray for complete healing, miraculous healing, unquestionable healing. Healing that will make this doctor believe in You. I pray for zero pain. For an overly well functioning body, soul, and mind. There is no God like you. There is no friend like you. There is no comfort like you. When we feel like not one person truthfully feels what we feel, remind us that you do and that you are taking care of it so we can show others in the future what true love feels like. Give us strength, give us hope, give us healing.
Tonight it is going to be very hard to study because I would rather be fasting and praying. While I will pray fervently, I hate that school would get in my way at all.
Tonight Im going to close my eyes and pray for every person who does not know where the next corner will take them, pray that they find peace and a true loving friend.
Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Posted in anxiety, Family, Friends, Health
Tagged cancer, faith, Faith healing, Friendship, God, healing, health, mom, momma, mommy, Mother, peace, Prayer
I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.
I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help.
It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program.
It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again.
Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!
home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home.
I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping half decent relationships with people since I know they read this.
All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast.
Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them :(… ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 :D).
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged baby, cancer, child, Children, exhausted, family, Home, house, love, mom, momma, mommy, motherhood, tired
So, At the crocheting group, us ladies painted boxes for stillbirth mothers to take home with them. I was given one at the hospital and it is one of the small few memories that I have of Seth because of course after giving birth to my sleeping son, I came home with nothing but this box with his clothes and a blanket and hat that someone made him. It has turned out in the last few months, to mean the world to me.
Almost none of the ladies painted before this and this was the first time I did one stroke painting. Im so proud of all the women, here are the boxes!
These are paper mache boxes that you can get from a craft store. I got mine from hobby lobby. We used acrylic paints. I want to do LOADS of these. I wish I had the money and time to make this a non-profit organization. We so need the donations of boxes, yarn, and paint. I want to make a ton. I want to make a difference. I want to give these women some hope. Their lives will forever be changed and this box may be all that they have left of their baby.
I used to paint and I totally want to get back into it so I can become more creative with the boxes.
I started drawing a light collage of stuff so I can pick painting back up like I used to and get some practice in. I just wish I could quit my job and help people, forever. Im so compassionate. I cry at the thought of someone going through the same thing.
God will grant me with the time, money, skills, and product that I need to do this if this is what he wants me to continue to do.
Posted in Cause for Action, crochet, death, Friends, Hobbies, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged art, babies, baby, church, Craft, crochet, crocheting, Death, God, Home and Garden, hospital, hospital births, Infant Loss, jesus, memory box, memory boxes, mom, mommies, mommy, Paint, Papier-mâché, Stillbirth, stillborn