Things have been ok lately. Im just stressed as always. the usual. School, money, dumb arguments .. dumb things.
Im just so nervous all the time.
I have to sing this Sunday again, I am nervous of course but I have to tell myself I will do fine. It will be hard, Sunday is the 25th. 6 months since I last saw Seth. It was on a Sunday like this coming one, that I was becoming the other kind of mom. I hope I dont cry through the song and I hope I do it justice. The words are probably what I need to hear.
I went and saw Seth yesterday. I laid down on the ground and turned my phone up the loudest it could go and played him the song Im going to sing this week. When I was pregnant with him I would put my phone on my belly and play hymns and he loved it, he would kick and roll, it was my favorite memory.
please listen to this.
Its another hard week. My eyes are dark and heavy and I’m tired.
The weekend is almost here.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Music, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, Death, God you are god, health, Hymn, Infant Loss, jesus, money, Religion and Spirituality, school, Seth, sing, singing, Stillbirth, stillborn, Sunday, worship
Steven and I went kayaking Sunday. It was beautiful. We spent 4 hours on the water (and thank God, we didnt seen any alligators, cause we were in salt water). Well… Steven’s boat started sinking (his drain plug fell out) so we got out and a shallow spot, it happened to be an oyster bed and my flip flop came off with the current and I stepped on the oysters- its like shards of glass going into your foot. It was the worst pain Ive ever had of stepping on something. I called off work because it is IMPOSSIBLE to walk, it sucks and its awful!
In other news, My momma got engaged today! After 15 long years since my daddy passed away I am thankful that my mom will not be alone anymore. Im happy for her and Adam!
Things have just been stressful lately between school, work, money, and my own sanity. Everything reminds me of Seth lately. The men going to work early in the morning. It reminds me of summer when Steven would leave for a week at a time and he’d kiss my tummy goodbye and be so excited when he came home to see how much I grew that week. The weather. Its getting warm here in Florida. Another reminder of last March when I found out I was pregnant and had serious hot flashes and sleep attacks. Life moving on is just a bad reminder. This month, March 25th, Seth would have been 6 months old. Oh my goodness, six months, wow! Imagine how big he would have been, how interactive he would have been. I miss him so much. Im so sad. I want another baby so bad. I just feel like I have nothing right now. Im thankful for all my goals with school and adulthood, it’s probably the only thing keeping me going that I wake up for. I miss my son. It hurts to see all of my friends babies growing up. My son could have been that big right now. Instead, Im sitting here crocheting, eating tuna out of a can cause im too lazy to cook or clean or stand, while my husband plays xbox all day.
Im scared to go into Seths baby room. We havnt touched it since a week before he died when we had the baby shower and set the whole room up. Im just scared Ill have a panic attack. I want to play with all of the little clothes and I want so bad to just put them on a baby and hold him or her. I just want to so bad.
Tomorrow we are painting memory boxes for the hospital at the crochet group. It hurts that these are going to more people, experiencing the same thing.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Kayaking, Paddling, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, Baby shower, Children, crochet, engaged, family, florida, God, Infant Loss, kayak, kayaking, lazy, memory box, mom, money, Oyster, oysters, paddling, pain, Pregnancy, pregnant, school, son, stilbirth, stillborn, Work
soo….. we totally splurged. I want to vomit lol. We moved out to the apartment part of the house today where we have our own bedroom, living room and kitchen. We needed a couch so we went to go look for a cheap one and winded up buying a WHOLE stinking living room! Ill take a picture when it comes in. Sooo… We need to pay that junk off and get on our game. Honestly, its sad but I think shopping is a little bit of ease to our emotional mess that we’ve been through which is not healthy but we understand NO MORE toys for us for a LOOOONNNNG time.
I have been itching like crazy today and haven’t itched all week till today. It is so uncontrollable my neck feels like its crawling cause it itches so bad and its an itch that I cant reach, its under my skin. I HAVE to go to employee health next week and get it checked out cause I cannot stand it anymore. I just want to go crazy. If I had insurance I would honestly go to the emergency room tonight thats how bad it is. I guess its my nerves, I just need something to fix it. Im to the point that I will do ANYTHING to fix this itching.
I crocheted a lot today. I had to work but thank God it was slow so I was able to relax a little. Im gonna do a little more tonight.
Well I am going to bed, have to wake up at 4AM for work tomorrow.
*sigh… wish us luck on not buying ANYTHING else
Posted in anxiety, crochet, Health, Hobbies, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged anxiety, crochet, Dermatology, God, Itch, jesus, living room, money, panic attack, Rash, rooms to go, Skin