Well, last week flew by. Here I sit at 19 weeks in a few days and I cant believe it. I am so blessed.
I am still very exhausted, that is unfortunately one symptom that has not left this whole pregnancy but Ill take that over daily morning sickness and headaches :).
Maybe why I am so tired is because I have been practicing my hypnobirthing as much as I can and I cant really do it while my husband is home so I do it while Im in the shower and driving (although very dangerous while driving lol). I have noticed now that it is so easy to just relax- all I have to do is breathe deep and BAM I am almost instantly in a state of sleep. Its amazing. I used it Sunday morning when I had to sing. I did not experience my heart POUNDING and my voice quivering like normal. I was of course very nervous but it was one of the few times that I felt like it was a very controlled nervous. The more I practice the better I get and I love it. I think its amazing that God gave me the power and choice to be able to slow down and rest :). This is the song I sang Sunday- with not near as much umph as Mandisa sings it lol.
I have not been worrying about the baby as much. In fact I am filling my time with positive things. I have been going through Seth’s things little by little (so we can pick out what things look more neutral that we can still keep for this baby) and Steven has helped also. It is hard and most times we only get in about 10 minutes a week but it seems like a long 10 minutes and by the time those few minutes are over I feel like I am choking and that is when I know I need to take a break. There is SO MUCH STUFF and SO MUCH has to be bagged and boxed, its sad. Now that we have actually separated the boy stuff out I feel a little overwhelmed. I need lots of hats (I have none), socks (have none), sheets and crib bedding (Steven is having a hard time keeping the jungle stuff in the room, he says it reminds him of Seth, I understand. The first thing he did when we looked at the room to separate things was rip off all of the bed stuff and put all of the jungle theme stuff away. He said he wants pink girly things that have nothing to do with animals so he is not reminded of Seth. I see how hard it is on him and it makes me hurt inside. He walked out of the baby room the other day and said “I have to go get a dip before I start crying”…. speaking of, he’s still trying to quit.)
So anyways. Time is flying and I cant wait for winter to get here. (Its sooo hot anyways that winter will be so welcome). Cant wait for the next doctors appt , time always goes really fast when something is scheduled. 🙂
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, family, God, health, Infant Loss, Mandisa, Morning sickness, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Shopping, Stillbirth, stillborn, Sunday
Ok, I think I am just getting used to the pain. The throbbing, the feeling of my head exploding, it is becoming normal. I have been temporarily deaf though for a few days. I cannot hear anything unless you are YELLING in my ear. Its hard to work like that.
I work in the hospital, and in the ER every other day so I stopped a doctor in the ER and asked if he would look at my ears. He said well, both ears are badly infected and those are the worst ears I have ever seen, they look like s—….. Then he proceeded to say, Im a little worried that you have a malignant condition, let me look up some medication that you are aloud to have. He found some ear drops that were different from the ones Im taking and told me “please go see an ear doctor after this is cleared up or if its not starting to feel better in 5 days”…
That makes me worry. I have always had bad ear problems but I never thought it was tumorous or cancerous. Ive had so many weird problems with this pregnancy its making me very scared. Im trying to keep my thoughts positive. I have my hypnobirthing material at my moms house, I just have to go get it now, maybe that will soothe me.
So anyways, Im praying that this new medicine that the ER doctor suggested started kicking in, clears things up and all will be well at the ear doctor, because I will go after this infection clears a little.
Ive been thinking a lot about my rainbow baby. I am desperate to feel kicks and start experiencing the baby. I am 12 weeks and my throwing up has subsided. I dont know if that is because Ive been in so much pain I havnt even considered throwing up or if the morning sickness is actually gone. Last time it did not leave till about 25 weeks or so.
Im a little worried. I know Tylenol is safe for pregnancy but Im still worried. I took it around the clock for two days and now I am forcing myself only to take it at night when I go to bed.
Steven has been, of course tired of me.
Sometimes I feel so guilty. I feel like I dont care about anyone but myself. Maybe I wont be a good mom or wife. Did God take Seth away because of my attitude?
I just hope the baby is ok, I dont feel pregnant anymore. Ive lost so much weight this week that my bump is completely gone now and not being sick dosnt make me feel any better about the baby.
I have a specialist appointment on the third and then my ob appointment the next week on the 12th of July. As far as I know, they will both do ultrasounds. I cant wait till this next one cause Ive just been worried with how Im feeling. I did call my OB yesterday and they sounded very sympathetic for my pain but very unconcerned. She said to just drink soups and take the ear drops that the ER doctor told me to take.
Im hungry… gonna start getting ready for work, wish me luck, I feel stupid when I cant hear my patients or other nurses that are in the room.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged doctor, doctors, Ear, ear ache, Ear Infection, Emergency Room, ER, family, health, hospital, husband, Morning sickness, pain, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Tylenol, Work
It is a very rough day. I have been throwing up every morning since last Sunday. I have definitely gotten more sick with this pregnancy than the last one now that Im getting further along. I am 11 weeks today and as sick as a dog and I do NOT want to go to work today I just feel weak and sick, like Im gonna throw up all night.
anyways, with all of this sickness, I have a baby that I am so thankful for that it brings me to tears. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he did another ultrasound.
At 10 weeks and 5 days my baby looks like a baby now. I just feel like it is a he, I have no doubts but who knows. Lets call him a he for now lol.
He was kicking and punching and rolling like crazy! The doctor even talked in a baby voice and said “look at that healthy baby!” lol. The heart rate was 158. I was so excited I forgot about throwing up that morning, (and every morning before that) and I just cooed over my baby. Im so thankful.
I go to see the specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine on Tuesday, Ill be 2 days shy of 12 weeks. Im almost sure they’ll do an ultrasound and do some more testing. I get to see the same doctor who checked me for my pre-conception visit and did all my kidney and liver testing.
Anyways, I have to go prepare myself for work. I hope its an easy night.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, family, health, Maternal Fetal Medicine, Medicine, Morning sickness, Pregnancy, pregnant, rainbow baby, sick, ultrasound, ultrasounds
I am very grateful to be pregnant again but it stresses my body a lot. You forget sometimes the toll that comes along with pregnancy. Mentally for me it is a very big struggle to be pregnant and I have noticed it a lot in the last couple of days. My itching is so out of hand. My mind is racing all of the time and I cant think straight let alone talk, I cant get words to come out of my mouth, I am nervous and shaking all of the time, I just feel like a 2 year old who cant think for themselves. I know its a normal part of pregnancy but for me its the worst. I can deal with the physical symptoms that come with pregnancy but I have a very hard time dealing with the hormonal mental side of it. After this baby, it will be a very long time before we have another. Two years of being pregnant is enough, its just too much for my anxiety and mental state, it makes me feel like a nutcase.
My morning sickness has gone away and I have been trying to enjoy all of this but when one thing goes away (I should know), another symptom comes on.
Im just ready for some ways to get rid of my anxiety. Steven said he wants to take me somewhere every weekend, we can just pack up and drive till we find something fun to do. Thats nice but this weekend we are busy and next weekend I work. I just need a break… bad. I should have taken some time of work this month but Im trying to save all of my PTO for the baby. I only made 60 hours PTO in the last 4 months and I wanted to take 12 weeks off but it looks like I will only have a little over a month saved up by the time the baby is here.
Every day is more anxiety filled. I have terrible dreams, I am sore and emotional and just want to cry all of the time. My husband is a very stern and non-emotional man so I just feel like sometimes he walks away from me when Im feeling this way and thats when I need him the most. I understand, its how he deals with all of this. Every day I am one day closer to seeing my baby. But I am one day closer to a doctors appointment, a result, a hospital visit. Its just so scary not knowing whats going to happen and not to have that first time naive pregnancy feeling. I miss that, feeling invincible. Now I feel like a real adult because I feel like anything could hit me and end my life or the babies life at any moment. I know that is such negative thinking, I dont think that all of the time but it is what nature has bestowed upon me after I realized from Seth that nothing is impossible. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday so I hope that all goes well.
Cant wait for the weekend. I need to clean all day Saturday (ugh), and go to a wedding on Sunday.
Stay safe Rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, child, Children, Death, family, health, Hormone, hormones, Morning sickness, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, Reproductive Health, Work
I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.
Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.
Stay Safe Rainbow.
P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.
Posted in Cause for Action, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, charity, child, Children, crochet, crochet for a cause, Death, donations, Education, family, giving, health, Home, Infant Loss, Morning sickness, Mother, Parenting, physics, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, school, Senses, Smell and Taste, stillbirths, stillborn
count it today that I start full fledged morning sickness. This time its earlier than the last pregnancy. I am so greatful for it because then I know that things are ok. It does make me feel disgusting though. I just got out of the shower and felt sick like BAM so I tried to eat a hard boiled egg (i notice eating protein in the morning makes me feel better), I couldnt stomach it :(. So Im eating mac and cheese 😦 but its not doing so hot either. I really want to take care of rainbow but this stage is coming on full fledge. I have my midterm this morning and I have to be there for all 4 hours of class so wish me luck… I just feel it, that wont be the last time my food comes up today.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in anxiety, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School
Tagged anxiety, anxious, health, Morning sickness, Nausea, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, vomit
I need to write. I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed today. Im 100% sure that its pregnancy hormones, I had to same anxious problems with Seth’s pregnancy. I really hope it goes away. Im itching, Im fidgiting, my mind is racing. I am all nervous cause my physics midterm is tomorrow. I feel like throwing up cause Im having morning sickness… Im not complaining, I love every bit of it but Im scared of being anxious.
Last night I had bad stomach cramps and I laid there crying thinking, oh Lord Im going to go through this all over again. Im going to have a baby, be in pain for hours… I should not let my mind take over like that, I cant wait till my cousin gives me my hypnobirthing CD’s back so I can relax myself a little more. Im just so nervous about going through all this pain again and being anxious for a whole nine months again from my crazy hormones.
God be with me and calm my nerves,
and upset stomach :).
Stay safe rainbow.
P.s. Happy mothers day. It was great. My sister got me chocolate covered strawberries, and money to go towards my 4 D ultrasound so I can get in on a DVD!!! Im so excited!!! and I got a BEAUTIFUL blooming cactus from my momma. It wasnt easy, I cried a lot today, but I made it through. Happy mothers day, especially to all of you angel mothers out there today- even if you dont have a rainbow- you are a mom, a beautiful mom!
Posted in anxiety, Family, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, School
Tagged anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, child, Children, DVD, family, health, Holiday, Holidays, Home, Hormone, mom, Morning sickness, mothers day, physics, Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Birth, rainbow baby, school, sister, ultrasound