Tag Archives: mothers day

Hormone anxiety

I need to write. I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed today. Im 100% sure that its pregnancy hormones, I had to same anxious problems with Seth’s pregnancy. I really hope it goes away. Im itching, Im fidgiting, my mind is racing. I am all nervous cause my physics midterm is tomorrow. I feel like throwing up cause Im having morning sickness… Im not complaining, I love every bit of it but Im scared of being anxious.

Last night I had bad stomach cramps and I laid there crying thinking, oh Lord Im going to go through this all over again. Im going to have a baby, be in pain for hours… I should not let my mind take over like that, I cant wait till my cousin gives me my hypnobirthing CD’s back so I can relax myself a little more. Im just so nervous about going through all this pain again and being anxious for a whole nine months again from my crazy hormones.

God be with me and calm my nerves,

and upset stomach :).

Stay safe rainbow.

P.s. Happy mothers day. It was great. My sister got me chocolate covered strawberries, and money to go towards my 4 D ultrasound so I can get in on a DVD!!! Im so excited!!! and I got a BEAUTIFUL blooming cactus from my momma. It wasnt easy, I cried a lot today, but I made it through. Happy mothers day, especially to all of you angel mothers out there today- even if you dont have a rainbow- you are a mom, a beautiful mom!

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Mothers day

So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.

Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and¬†gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.

I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.

Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!

It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.

This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.

Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.

…<3 stay safe Rainbow.

Just rambling

Sometimes, even as an adult, I feel like an orphan. I feel like I have no where to go and no where to call home. I dont have any place to run to when I just need to get away and be around things that make me happy.

I just need some space lately. Ive been thinking a lot about the next few months. The 25th of this month will be 6 months since Seth has been gone. April is Steven and I’s two year (wedding) anniversary (been together 5 years). This has been the hardest year of my life and hopefully the hardest (only one) year. May is Mothers day. I am not happy and I will not be. May last year everyone told me happy mothers day and took me out to eat and bought me presents and this year… This year I am not going to church cause I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything for mothers day and as selfish as it is I do not want to celebrate it for anyone because I want to be alone instead of crying my eyes out in Red Lobster.

I wish I could do better. I wish I could give more to my sister and have my own place that she could live with us at. I wish I had a baby. I wish these next few months would fly. I thought Christmas would be hard. I think Mothers day will be the hardest day of my life.

I think I cried so hard at church the other day when brother Larry played a song for Mrs. Glenda because Mrs. Glenda was a mother hen to everyone but she was special to me. She did almost EVERYTHING for my wedding day, she planned my baby shower… When I see Mrs. Glenda’s picture, I see Seth, they only died a month apart and sometimes, Maybe, I think, Mrs. Glenda went to heaven first so that she could get things ready for Seth. It’s like she knew. It’s like Seth was being waited on up there. I feel selfish because it is not fair….

Its been a hard few days. I dont sleep anymore, maybe I get like three hours a night. I dont think Ill ever be a normal person again.

tonight is the crocheting group and tomorrow I have off work. hopefully I can relax and do something I enjoy

The days do not get ANY easier, you just become more able to tolerate your emotions.