Tag Archives: Music

Can you tell Im nervous?

This is my third post about singing today so I bet you can tell its geting to me.

Besides my beautiful sister who will always be my best friend (and whom Im lucky to have and I love with all of my heart), I am lucky to have met another wonderful friend. Id say at least 7 years ago, cause I know I knew her in 8th grade. Kayla- you encourage me so much. You know exactly what to say. God has used you and your spiritual maturity to bless me. Even though you have not been through some of the “adult” situations that I have- you always know what to say and do for those situations and why is it? Because you follow God and listen to His voice. God will and is using you. Thank you for thinking of me this morning as I’m trying to get myself together. I want to sing with passion and clear and unafraid and bring people closer to the Lord. She sent me these verses:

Isaiah 25:1

 1 LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.
and

Isaiah 43:2-4

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.

and

Isaiah 41:1

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Kayla for being such a good friend and encouraging by faith. God has gifted you with such positivity and encouragement. These verses are exactly what I need, I need to live them out by faith.

Count down in 2, 1, 0….

I would be a fool to say I’m not nervous about singing on Sunday. It’s weird. I have no fear of acting on stage but I just have the hardest time taking my mind somewhere else when I sing.I’m shaking, have an upset stomach and my nerves are shot but in order to do well, you have to tell yourself that you are good. Here it goes. I better do it now cause I only have one full day left before its D-day.

I can do this. I’m a good singer. I have the range to successfully do this song without being nervous. My voice won’t crack. My nerves wont make me a wreck. I will not shake. I will have complete control of my breathing. I will not be uncomfortable. I will not focus on all the people in the audience. I will worship to God. Everyone wants me to do well. There is no competition. I will be fine and have enough support. There is nothing to be scared of. I’m doing what I enjoy doing best. Singing. I will not be afraid and I will use the right dynamics. Im going to close my eyes, stand tall and let go of my voice and let it do what it does best. The crowd wont stare or care whether or not I do well.

There is NOTHING to be nervous about. This is just an expression of a hobby of mine. Everyone knows the song already and they are probably going to sing along anyways…..

(ok, I said it, NOW I need to BELIEVE it… FAST lol)

Heres some stuff I found on this website.

http://www.singingmastermind.com/nervous-singing-nervous-shaking/

You have to change your mindset

Your mindset has to do with getting rid of anxious thoughts about your life, about what people will think, about how you will sound and simply listen to the music inside of you.

What you believe about yourself will cause you to panic or pull it together and that all starts way before you get up to sing.  It starts with a silent place inside of you, that place that makes you want to sing.  Remember that singing is natural.  The thing that happens that is unnatural is how we let everyone else’s opinion mess us up inside.

Think about what it was like to sing when you were a child, before anyone ever said anything unkind to you about your singing.  Did you care what anyone thought?  No, of course not.  You only cared after someone messed with your head.  So now you have to undo that junk and get the right kind of singing mindset inside of you.

So, when you sing, don’t think about what everyone else is thinking.  Think about your singing breath, think about relaxing your shoulders, focus on a “tunnel” in front of you to send your breath through, focus on how singing makes you feel good, how much you enjoy singing, how you LOVE singing.

Forget about everything else and just focus on singing!

I really need to practice believing in myself and just focusing on the fact that I like to sing, I should not let others people’s opinions scare me out of it. Why should they get to steal that joy from me?

Fear not… You are God alone

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..

Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.

What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.

I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.

Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.

What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.

I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.

This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.

Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…

Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!

Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.

And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.

Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.

I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.

So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.

* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.

Amen*

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That’s what You are

Without you

I guess Friday didn’t go so bad, I just stayed busy. Went to the wedding, it was nice, took me all day to get ready, I just couldn’t get moving. My sister and I went together.

Courtney is just about the love of my life lol. I would never ask for a better friend than my little sister. I cant believe my baby sister is graduating and joining adulthood this May… whoa!

Heres some pictures from the wedding

^most adorable favorite cousin who should be my sister; Lashay

Anyways, it was nice. I actually recorded LaShay singing at the wedding reception but for some reason its not uploading to youtube so Ill have to post it later maybe.

I’ve been stressed lately. Between work – we’re just so behind in a lot of stuff and I just don’t know what to do to catch up, and then- this solo at church. I’m freaking myself out. Its a hard song. We practice this Wednesday night and I just don’t know if this was the right decision for me to sing it. I’m just having a hard time, I feel like my voice has changed since having the baby. I definitely don’t sing like I used to. Been stressed about this car situation that we’re having. Stressed about needing health insurance. Bills… you know, all the normal stuff that everyone is stressed about.

Ive been working on my crocheting… let’s just say, I need to work more lol.

The left is the third attempt at a scarf, the right is my latest 4th attempt. Its not easy and I have no clue what I’m doing and what I’m doing wrong.

At least the 4th attempt is better but the stitches are just not clean.

With work, school and choir and learning this crocheting stuff I’m very busy but I still feel pretty void.  I still feel very a lone with Steven working. I’m pretty sure a baby is not in our future for a while… hard to swallow. I think about it all the time and the girls at work talk casually about when they want to have more kids. Sometimes it makes me mad that they complain about the ones they have now- at least yours is alive… whatever.

Steven finally talked a little bit to me this weekend. He is still shocked that Seth is gone. He still doesn’t want to go to church because he cant imagine anything but the funeral happening there. He said this week at work when he was in the truck he wept when he heard this song. It’s been ALL over our radio stations.

I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here I’m paralyzed without you, without you

I can’t look, I’m so blind
Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without… You.

He said he just can’t imagine what life is going to be like without Seth after all of the wondering what it would be like with him.  I know hes hurting. He gets mad because he doesn’t see me hurting and I always let him know, for 5 days out of the week you don’t see me, guess what I’m doing on those 5 days… probably crying. Its hard to grieve your child when the two of you are doing it at separate times and are at different levels.

I really really really want a vacation. I want to go to Alaska…. vacation, I don’t see that in the near future either. I just need to get away and not think about anything for just a couple of days, thats all I want. I just need to get away from myself for just a little while.

I cooked chicken and rice and pasta tonight so Id have food for the week because I dont really have time to cook every night.

Well, I didnt write anything exciting today, I just feel like mush. Im going to do my homework, call my husband (if hes in the mood to talk), and go to bed.

 

 

 

Relief please?

Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.

I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.

After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.

I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.

I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this

I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.

Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.

We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..

I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.

BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.

just want relief.

love, music and… ER?

So today was the start of a very long work week. I have to work the next eight days in a row (yay for work, poo for tiredness and not seeing my husband). Im pretty much sad that I wont really get to see Steven this weekend at all when hes home because Ill be working.

OK, tonight- I am forcing myself to blog because I want to BUT I feel terrible. I dont feel sick or sad. I just feel…fuzzy. Very FuZzY. I feel mentally messed up. All my thoughts in my head are more jumbled than normal and It gives me anxiety so when I got off work at 7pm I came straight to my bedroom. I just feel like I cant get words out right and I feel REALLY slow. I hate this feeling. ugh. I wish my husband was here…. OK, I change my mind- now Im sad lol.

Todays topics are health and music.

Health:

It is amazing and almost terrifying working in healthcare. I see so many things that it scares me to even think about going to the hospital (and I work at one!). A few scenarios if you would,

1) a couple weeks ago a man comes into the ER, the EMT’s are doing CPR as they come in. He was put in one of the major rooms and there were like fifty people there trying to figure out what to do. The doctor got the little history of the patient that the EMT’s could provide and he urged the nurse (male) to switch places with the EMT and continue CPR. After a few minutes the doctor was agitated that they were not getting any results from the CPR. He brought in an ultrasound machine and looked at the man’s heart, It was not beating, he said this out loud. I stood in the corner of the room and tears ran down my face because those were the words that I heard when we found out Seth was no longer with us. I had to be strong and breathe deep and keep my ground, this is work, this is someones life. The cardiologist yelled out I feel a pulse, am I the only one who feels this pulse? The ER doctor (lets just call him John Doe for ease of writing) shook his head and said I don’t know what your talking about, I feel nothing AND his heart is not beating.Doc John Doe asked the EMT how long it had been that we had been doing CPR and they replied- 15 minutes. John said… I think we should stop, this guy won’t come back after this long. The cardiologist said “NO! keep going!”. (Keep in mind, the cardiologists do not stay in the ER it was pure lucky chance and the grace of God that he was there). They continued for another ten minutes in which John Doe did not agree with and simply left the room because of it. I too had left the room because even if this guy came back to life, he would not need an EKG, the first thing they would do is whisk him off to the cath lab. After 25 minutes of CPR, this mans heart started beating! The ultrasound machine showed a beating heart he had a full good carotid pulse! Like I thought they whisked him off BUT, if that cardiologist was not in there by chance, that man would have never made it that night thanks to John Doe……

2) Tonight, there were hall beds out the ying yang! I know it’s season and snowbirds are coming back but GEEZ, there is no chance of getting a break when you see patients stacked against the wall all the way down the halls and people are yelling for water and blankets and food and whining about the tests that are being ran.

3) The doctors in the ER are normal people, but they are extra whiny normal people. They throw papers, they curse, they complain, they fight with other doctors, they get tired, they are almost always rude to us techs…. Whatever, dont take it out on me. Take care of your patients.

4) I asked a new echo tech where he went to school today. He said UCF. In return he asked what I was going to school for and I replied Diagnostic medical sonography which maybe I could test into echocardiography to do echos if I Please since there is a demand for that right now. He said “ugh, regular ultrasounds. Those are so gross, you see giant boobs and black toes and blistered legs… Im not into all that nasty stuff”. SERIOUSLY, if it wasnt for people who did these kinds of things, imagine how many people would be hopeless. This is so important! I know if I was the one with black toes, I would want someone to treat me equally as kind and make me feel like everything will be alright and I will make it. People need hope and only special people in this world can give it. I hope I can be one of those people. I want people to be comforted by the fact that I don’t care about the shape their body is in, Im here to do a test so you can get better, end of story- find comfort, Im not looking at you differently because you are ill- thats why your here and Im here. I didnt talk to the new guy any more after that, I thought it was inconsiderate.

5) My personal experience- I was told that I had MTHFR.WHY would I not want to make myself feel better?I do not know enough about the biological processes. I swear, if I had the determination I would be the best darn doctor EVER because I would have so much passion. I want to fix everyone and I truly care about EVERY patient that I see,

6) When I had my baby at the hospital (which I did not want to do because I wanted to have him at the birthing center) I was terrified. I literally had NOTHING but my phone with me when I walked in there. When I needed to take a shower, there were no wash cloths, soap or shampoo- SERIOUSLY, Im a woman having a baby here and you cant give me some freakin stuff to take a shower with??? I literally had to have someone bring me stuff from home so I could shower. The VHS player (yes I said VHS player) was not working so I could not watch the video on the epidural (that was probably a sign from God that I was not going to get the epidural lol). The floor was old and dingy. They were remodeling in the room next to me and all I could hear was an electric sander or drill or something for a long time when I first came in and thankfully the midwife went and told them to stop.

Enough of my ranting. Im sure you all are now terrified of hospitals lol.. that was not my point. They are a good place but they are also filled with people and people are flawed and they make mistakes and get tired and lose passion just like every other normal person on this earth.

On to my favorite topic MUSIC 😀 -So I want to share a couple of songs that I heard today.

This Song I heard today for the first time.

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that wouldn’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that Ive always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

Cause I can’t feel you breathing,
I can’t feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Making for the feeling
More than just a feeling

Pushing through the ceiling
Until the final healing
Looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

This is just so beautiful. I have ALWAYS loved Switchfoot. They articulate so well. They get the point across so beautifully, this is pure poetry. MMmm, so delicious I just want to eat it up! This is all my thoughts sometimes. I just want to find rest in Him.  This world is so broken and we desire whether we realize it or not to touch Him, to feel Him.

Then there is this song

“Not Alone”

Slowly fading away
You’re lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You’re living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything’s gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause your not, your not alone

And I’ll be your hope when you feel like its over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you’re finally in my arms
Look up and see love has a face

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you’re not, you’re not alone

And I will be your hope
And I will pick you up
And I will be your hope
And I will be your hope

Slow fading away
Your lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold

I heard this song multiple times before I lost Seth and today I heard it for the first time since I was pregnant…. I cant say what Im feeling any better than how these songs say it. They leave me speechless.

If you have not heard of THE WALLY SHOW (http://www.allwally.com/)

you HAVE to check him out.He puts the smile in my day. Him and Zach could make me smile for all eternity lol.

… Today God has taught me to love others. I talked to two women today who have gone through some painful times. Things that I have experienced, I hope he led me to say the right things.  That was my lesson though. Love. Love unconditionally. Love without judgement. Love till you cant love anymore. People need it and dont get enough of it today.

I myself and not perfect and I have felt down about myself. i dont feel pretty enough. I dont feel like a good enough wife. I just wish there was some way I could feel TRULY safe and comfortable. That no one else more beautiful or enticing will walk into my husbands life. He is so conservative and he would NEVER do that lol, hes SOOOO good to me, its just an irrational fear. REALLY irrational lol. I guess I just want to feel more beautiful and I want to give him butterflies like when we were dating. I want to make him happy. Isnt that every couples desire, to make their spouse fall in love with them every day?

I am MADLY in love with my husband. He was the guy who ASKED if he could kiss me and ASKED if he could hold my hand- thats right, I found him, the greatest man in the world lol.

oh my word, I have to stop writing such long blogs. Its not sane to talk to yourself this long :).

Goodnight.

P.S.- I love my mom and sister, they give me a smile and hope.

[random]

Its Halloween

So today I was having a hard time.

Steven is out of town working (thank God for work, we needed it), but I wanted to spend the day with him.I wanted to take a Halloween decoration to Seth’s grave, but it was raining. Its been raining all week and I haven’t been able to go see him. I walked to the mailbox in the rain upset when I woke up. To my lovely surprise the necklace I ordered from Etsy.com came in!

I am so excited! Its beautiful, better looking than I imagined. I am going to wear this necklace every day for the rest of my life! The chain that it came with was actually a very good one but I put it on my gold necklace since that is the one steven gave me when we were dating and I saved the original chain in the box. I was surprised to see it. It was supposed to take two weeks but it only took one. So anyways, that made my day quite a bit.

We carved our pumpkins a little early but I had the best time doing it! It was my first pumpkin carving. I carved the owl :-).

I cant believe its Halloween. These next few days will be hard. Its hard to think that this could have been Seth’s first Halloween. His due date was exactly 11 days from today, Oh my word, imagine how thrilled I would be right now.

I sat in his room for a little while last night. there is so much stuff in there. So many little clothes. I was ashamed for thinking this but I am not anymore after thinking about it. I don’t want him to be cold and wet so I have come to hate the rainy days and this cool fall. I thought – how stupid and un-theological is that, but- how un-theological is it that we go visit a grave. A body with a person that is not there anymore. It is only the human in us. It is only the mom in me. Sometimes when I am really tired, I find myself holding my arms in a cradling position. When I go to bed I see his hand and wake up when my hand reaches out to touch his and it just rubs against the bed. I want so bad to share pictures with you of my sweet baby but at the same time I don’t want to loose him. Its such a weird feeling. I just feel like there’s still a piece of him left and its the last piece and I don’t want it to all be over after his face is out there. Its hard to explain that your a mom with no baby. I have all of this baby stuff and I just want so bad to have another baby. My heart says I’m ready but my head says not yet. Of course my lovely Steven, I must care about his feelings too. I can tell he misses Seth. He took the words out of my mouth yesterday. I noticed he was uncomfortable at church yesterday and he left the service a little early to go sit in the truck. When I got there he managed to get out “every time I look at that alter, all I see is his casket”. “Me too” I said. No matter how many flowers or pumpkins or decorations go up there I’ll always see his tiny little casket laying up there.

Its not getting easier, but what can you do. I’m not gonna lie, It hurts to hear about everyone else’s pregnancy updates, showers, pictures, big bellies, kicks…. But there’s no reason to stay away from that for my whole life, I don’t need to make my “triggers” worse, which there seems like there are a lot.

I hope that there are many beautiful children out there tonight that get to enjoy this Halloween and their parents really really cherish them. Every breath, step, word, and beautiful big eyed looks. They are your gift, your reason. Never take them for granted.

I’m not going to make it to the cemetery today. I really want to but with just me working I don’t really have the money in gas and decorations to go out there. Maybe I can visit on the way to work this week since its not really out of the way.

I have some homework I need to catch up on but I want to leave you with a beautiful song I found. I am reading Angie Smith’s book “I will carry you” that she wrote after losing her daughter. It makes me cry really bad, lol, but she has so many beautiful truths from the Bible in it. Her husband is the lead singer of Selah and they wrote this song in memory of their daughter that they never got to bring home. These are their pictures from the hospital

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i’m not
Truth is i’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen Me
To carry you