Tag Archives: panic attack

Oh My Word

soo….. we totally splurged. I want to vomit lol. We moved out to the apartment part of the house today where we have our own bedroom, living room and kitchen. We needed a couch so we went to go look for a cheap one and winded up buying a WHOLE stinking living room! Ill take a picture when it comes in. Sooo… We need to pay that junk off and get on our game. Honestly, its sad but I think shopping is a little bit of ease to our emotional mess that we’ve been through which is not healthy but we understand NO MORE toys for us for a LOOOONNNNG time.

I have been itching like crazy today and haven’t itched all week till today. It is so uncontrollable my neck feels like its crawling cause it itches so bad and its an itch that I cant reach, its under my skin. I HAVE to go to employee health next week and get it checked out cause I cannot stand it anymore. I just want to go crazy. If I had insurance I would honestly go to the emergency room tonight thats how bad it is. I guess its my nerves, I just need something to fix it. Im to the point that I will do ANYTHING to fix this itching.

I crocheted a lot today. I had to work but thank God it was slow so I was able to relax a little. Im gonna do a little more tonight.

Well I am going to bed, have to wake up at 4AM for work tomorrow.

*sigh… wish us luck on not buying ANYTHING else

Dizzy

Im getting really sick really fast and Im super dizzy. Kind of feel like Im drunk, without the drunk. Going to bed early tonight cause everything spinning. Ill write tomorrow.

You love me anyway

Today I have been more than anxious. I suppose it is my anxiety getting the best of me. I have had bad chest pain for days. Thankfully I do EKG’s for a living, so I did one a couple weeks ago when I was having chest pain and of course it looked fine. It’s just scary. My body has had stabbing pains here and there since I got home from the hospital. Headaches, hard to breathe (feels like my throat is closing and I can’t get a breath), fatigue, numbness, clammy. I can’t stand it, It makes me feel so helpless and especially when I’m at work I just want to go home and cry so I will fall asleep and forget that I’m feeling anxious. I am scared of doctors, even though I talk to them all day. I do not want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie or gain weight. It sounds selfish and childish huh? Who would not want to feel better? I really do want to feel better but I feel like there has to be some other way. Can’t I control it myself? I have been fighting this for years. Actually, it’s been a long scary battle since about the age of 10. It’s terrifying, to live in fear. I fear death, illness, accidents, loneliness, infertility, instability… It doesn’t go away.  I try to breathe, I try music, and I try praying, reading…. I’m not going to lie, knowing my Jesus is near helps but why doesn’t he take it away? Will I have to live like this forever? I really fear now that I will “throw a clot” in ER nursing terms (lol). This MTHFR, which I shouldn’t worry about like I do, really does have effects on my life, such as never using birth control (what if I have a kid when I’m forty??? I don’t really want that), being at risk for other medical issues- it’s just scary.

I bought this music from “Bed Bath and Beyond”

It’s beautiful. I listened to the Yellow one when I was pregnant and when I was in labor. It’s hard to listen to that one again because I vividly remember my labor and the hospital and Seth when I hear that CD. I bought the other two tonight because I liked the first one so much. I think they are the coolest CD’s I’ve ever bought. I guess I’m turning into a real mom- listening to old boring fogies piano music that has no words lol :).  They are just so beautiful and calming. I am such an art hippie at heart. I could sit and bask in art and music any day. I will listen to almost anything and look at almost any artwork and be amazed and caught up. I can critique and find deeper meanings for hours. I can be inspired and let my mind wander for hours. It’s beautiful. I miss making time for art. I miss painting and drawing. I pray I will never forget to pick it back up when I am all finished with school (school and work and husband eat my time away).

Today was my mother-in-laws birthday. Happy birthday Krista! Thank you for giving me my wonderful husband! Steven and I picked out this cookie jar for her yesterday :D, it’s so cute.

She told me tonight that she bought P90X so lol.. maybe I can join in and lose this baby fat. That will be fun (but hard core).

I also bought my mom her birthday present tonight, of course I can’t tell yet what it is but yeah, it’s almost here momma, November 28th!

I finally finished my first class at Keiser! I am so excited. I think I got an A but I have to wait till grades are posted, I hope I got an A! I start my next class on Monday so I WILL enjoy this weekend off work with no school :). I am going to practice crocheting, maybe see an old friend this weekend, clean, and maybe put up the Christmas tree. (I am still working on my book from Angie Smith. I know it’s taking me forever but I’m almost done, I’ve just been so busy with school, work, choir, crocheting (or trying to learn how). It’s also a book that you cannot read all at once, I cry every time I read more of it.

I really am getting anxious about Seth’s headstone coming in. I want to see it. I also am waiting for a call from the hospital to see the pictures they took of Seth; they are waiting for them to come in. I’m not sure I’m ready to see them but I miss him and I want to see him one more time. I’m sick of looking at the same few pictures I have, I feel like I need to see him some other way, it makes it seem like he’s still around if I can see him in some more pictures other than what I have seen over and over these last couple of months.

There is no way we are ready to have another baby but I can’t stand seeing all of that baby stuff we have sitting there not being used. I don’t want to give it away. I want to use it. I want to use every bit of it up till it’s worn out completely. I don’t want to put anything away. I want it up.

My dear next child, you are not a replacement and I don’t want you ever to think that. When God decides it is the right time for you to come along, we will love you with all of our hearts. You will change my life forever. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever be weak. You were made for God’s glory. You were made to survive and be here for your mommy and daddy. You were not made to help me forget about Seth. You will not fill the void Seth left. There is a reason he left a mark. Only people who impact others in a significant way will leave a mark that makes you think of them EVERY DAY- Seth was one of those people. There’s a reason I think of him every day, because he changed me. He gave me the desire to have more kids. I always said no more when I was pregnant with him but look; here you are, waiting for God to send you to me. Keep me busy my next child, keep me focused and waiting for you. Will you take away some of my anxiety? When you decide to come, don’t let me fear through my pregnancy. Just come, healthy and beautiful. Boy or girl, defect or not (although I will definitely not complain for a healthy peewee), I will love you just the way you are because God made you fearfully and wonderfully just for me. You will be my love. You already are.

Love,

Momma.

I have not forgotten about you Seth nor will I ever. You were my first. You are the reason I’m here today. You are my story. You are my life. I breathe so I can think of you. You are my son. I am your mom. I promise to never forget you. I could never go one day, not even one second without you crossing my mind. You were the baby we were all anxiously waiting for, the one we anxiously held in our arms, and anxiously said goodbye to. Sometimes I feel like phone-ing you in heaven and just chatting. I just want to know how you’re doing even though I know you’re being taken care of perfectly; it’s the mom in me. Are you eating right, are you sleeping enough, are you cold? Stupid questions but that’s what earthly moms ask their earthly children :). You wouldn’t know because you were too beautiful for earth. Tell your poppa, my poppa and baby Eli Rolle we miss them.

All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking 
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes,You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

Relief please?

Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.

I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.

After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.

I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.

I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this

I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.

Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.

We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..

I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.

BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.

just want relief.

Trying

These past few days have just not been good… I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a zombie. I’ve had severe insomnia. I haven’t gotten more than 2 hours of sleep a night since last week. My brain feels like mush. I cant get my words to come out right. I’m exhausted. I don’t know why I cant sleep, its soooo aggravating. I’m moody, angry, crying…. I have had a couple of panic attacks in the last few days. I just feel crazy. I’m so tired. Im really emotional. Yesterday was really scary. My face and tongue and hands went numb for a few minutes but thankfully feeling came back after a few minutes. I’ve had stabbing headaches and my body has ached especially in my joints.

My husband is outside having a meeting with the guys, they are about to take off for work again this week. That is depressing. I want to cry. I want him to be home but I know hes trying to support me, us. Sometimes the people that they hire, I don’t like but… whatever its not my say.

Im still SLOWLY getting through my book “I will carry you” from Angie Smith. I dont want to put it down but Ive been so tired lately that I have to.

Today I bought yarn and crochet hooks. I’m going to teach myself! And I’m going to make awesome stuff lol… or so I think. Like this!

anyways, you get the ideas, theres tons of useful things you can make. And if I get good and have time I want to learn to sew again… I just need something simple and small to keep me busy, I’ve been feeling way to awful lately.

Here’s the stuff I bought

Im going to start off with a scarf just so I can get the technique down cause I have no clue what I’m doing.  Wish me luck. I hope I keep up with this and make something cool.

Meanwhile. My list to do this week

school, grocery shopping, check out car loan approval, laundry, read, and SLEEP

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory.php

This site is awesome for stuff to make 😀

P.S.- I don’t post on weekends cause my husband is home then 😀