Tag Archives: Parenting

A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

moving on up

Heartburn unbearable- I will post cause I have not been keeping up very well.

As I stay home on medical leave for my blood pressure, I feel guilty (for not contributing to the finances). To combat this feeling I keep busy. Well now we have some more big news that will keep me exhausted till Brea comes.

We’re moving! Not far away, lol, just down the street but it will be nice to get out on our own and have a small place so that Brea can have her own room. We have her crib and junk stuffed between our room and the living room right now. Im soooo nervous for things to work out but I have to trust in God and pray pray pray that He provides work for my hard working husband.

Have I mentioned how proud I am of Steven lately!? He has been working his booty off to make things work for this family. He has moved a ton of stuff around for me (and is about to move more) and he has put up with my whining, and has loved me up. I love him. He’s the best husband/dad.

So now I have a ton to be overwhelmed about, getting everything moved over and organized before this baby is due (in 9 weeks)… I have a very strong feeling that she is coming early too… I have a lot of braxton’s and she is very ready to see her momma :).

OH… and I probably sound like a crazy person but Im so excited- we bought our first ‘serious’ vacuum and Im sooo happy that it works great because the old dinky one we had before dosnt pick up much :p.

anywho, I hope that my nerves can stay in tact and I can handle it all. I know Steven can.

31 weeks and ready to be done with this 😀

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.

Mothers day

So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.

Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.

I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.

Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!

It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.

This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.

Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.

…<3 stay safe Rainbow.

Lil Angels Hankies

Things have been going very well (besides school, we’ll see how I’m doing after Monday when my first quiz is over). I wanted to share with you guys this ministry that makes tangible hankies for mothers who have lost their babies. Their name is Lil Angels Hankies Inc. and it costs about $2 to make and package a hankie for someone. She dosnt require the mother to pay anything but every little donation from anyone is accepted of course.

http://www.lilangelshankies.com/

http://www.facebook.com/lilangelshankies

anyways, Im just excited to have mine and thought I would share.

The woman who runs this charity wrote this poem and it is the exact feelings that I have ever experienced. (Ive changed like one word to fit our family lol)

With Angels He Flew

by Tricia Pyatt

I cried for joy when I saw the pink lines

We’d waited and waited for such a long time

People gave gifts to show their delight

I could barely get any sleep at night

I was so excited to experience this life

I felt like I finally had someting right

The family I’d dreamed of for so many years

was worth the wait, and was finally here

Then in an instant, the joy was gone

I went to the doctor because something was wrong

He said not to worry, it would all be ok

But he was wrong and my baby left me that day

My heart aches for the child I never knew

He was once in my womb then with angels he flew

I’m sure he’s in heaven having a ball

with Jesus, the greatest Daddy of all

I can’t wait for the day that I see my child

He’ll run to me quick with his arms open wide

I love him as much as I love my new son

but he’ll forever be my very first one

He holds a very special place in my heart

He made me a mommy, though his time was cut short

My dream has come true and my family is great

I have 1 kid in heaven, my arrival he awaits

Someday we’ll be together and he’ll sit on my lap

and Ill mother the child that this earth never had

Thank you so much for doing what you do.

Just rambling

Sometimes, even as an adult, I feel like an orphan. I feel like I have no where to go and no where to call home. I dont have any place to run to when I just need to get away and be around things that make me happy.

I just need some space lately. Ive been thinking a lot about the next few months. The 25th of this month will be 6 months since Seth has been gone. April is Steven and I’s two year (wedding) anniversary (been together 5 years). This has been the hardest year of my life and hopefully the hardest (only one) year. May is Mothers day. I am not happy and I will not be. May last year everyone told me happy mothers day and took me out to eat and bought me presents and this year… This year I am not going to church cause I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything for mothers day and as selfish as it is I do not want to celebrate it for anyone because I want to be alone instead of crying my eyes out in Red Lobster.

I wish I could do better. I wish I could give more to my sister and have my own place that she could live with us at. I wish I had a baby. I wish these next few months would fly. I thought Christmas would be hard. I think Mothers day will be the hardest day of my life.

I think I cried so hard at church the other day when brother Larry played a song for Mrs. Glenda because Mrs. Glenda was a mother hen to everyone but she was special to me. She did almost EVERYTHING for my wedding day, she planned my baby shower… When I see Mrs. Glenda’s picture, I see Seth, they only died a month apart and sometimes, Maybe, I think, Mrs. Glenda went to heaven first so that she could get things ready for Seth. It’s like she knew. It’s like Seth was being waited on up there. I feel selfish because it is not fair….

Its been a hard few days. I dont sleep anymore, maybe I get like three hours a night. I dont think Ill ever be a normal person again.

tonight is the crocheting group and tomorrow I have off work. hopefully I can relax and do something I enjoy

The days do not get ANY easier, you just become more able to tolerate your emotions.