Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.
September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth. My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.
I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day. I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.
It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.
God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.
I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.
Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.
You ever loving mommy,
So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.
Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.
I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.
Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!
It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.
This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.
Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.
…<3 stay safe Rainbow.
Posted in Family, Health, Holidays, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, family, God, Home, infant death, Infant Loss, Mother, mothers day, Parenting, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, Seth, Stillbirth, stillborn
On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a … Continue reading
Things have been ok lately. Im just stressed as always. the usual. School, money, dumb arguments .. dumb things.
Im just so nervous all the time.
I have to sing this Sunday again, I am nervous of course but I have to tell myself I will do fine. It will be hard, Sunday is the 25th. 6 months since I last saw Seth. It was on a Sunday like this coming one, that I was becoming the other kind of mom. I hope I dont cry through the song and I hope I do it justice. The words are probably what I need to hear.
I went and saw Seth yesterday. I laid down on the ground and turned my phone up the loudest it could go and played him the song Im going to sing this week. When I was pregnant with him I would put my phone on my belly and play hymns and he loved it, he would kick and roll, it was my favorite memory.
please listen to this.
Its another hard week. My eyes are dark and heavy and I’m tired.
The weekend is almost here.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Music, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged anxiety, Death, God you are god, health, Hymn, Infant Loss, jesus, money, Religion and Spirituality, school, Seth, sing, singing, Stillbirth, stillborn, Sunday, worship