It is a very rough day. I have been throwing up every morning since last Sunday. I have definitely gotten more sick with this pregnancy than the last one now that Im getting further along. I am 11 weeks today and as sick as a dog and I do NOT want to go to work today I just feel weak and sick, like Im gonna throw up all night.
anyways, with all of this sickness, I have a baby that I am so thankful for that it brings me to tears. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he did another ultrasound.
At 10 weeks and 5 days my baby looks like a baby now. I just feel like it is a he, I have no doubts but who knows. Lets call him a he for now lol.
He was kicking and punching and rolling like crazy! The doctor even talked in a baby voice and said “look at that healthy baby!” lol. The heart rate was 158. I was so excited I forgot about throwing up that morning, (and every morning before that) and I just cooed over my baby. Im so thankful.
I go to see the specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine on Tuesday, Ill be 2 days shy of 12 weeks. Im almost sure they’ll do an ultrasound and do some more testing. I get to see the same doctor who checked me for my pre-conception visit and did all my kidney and liver testing.
Anyways, I have to go prepare myself for work. I hope its an easy night.
Stay safe rainbow.
Posted in Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, family, health, Maternal Fetal Medicine, Medicine, Morning sickness, Pregnancy, pregnant, rainbow baby, sick, ultrasound, ultrasounds
Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.
Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.
Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.
So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!
This is an excerpt from this site
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.
Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Abraham, Abram, anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, Bible, Children, Christian, Christianity, Death, family, Girl Talk, God, Hagar, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, Ishmael, jesus, love, period, pms, Pregnancy, Sarah, sick, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife
Black Friday: the day after Thanksgiving where people dont sleep and stay up all night to go shopping for deals (usually fights and crazy things occur over lots of items) and then sleep all afternoon. (I am not partaking in such nonsense lol).
About to head off for work, its 5 AM and Im so sick ugh, it sucks, I want to lay in bed and sleep all day and I still have two more days of work.
Today is almost every American’s favorite holiday- Thanksgiving (YAY). Food, family, and more food! I have to work today (which really sucks). And- my face is swollen cause something bit me right under my eye last night when I was sleeping. Every time I look down I see a big lump and it hurts and itches (lovely). BUT- I am thankful for my sweet Jesus who has had the mercy to save ME. Little old (not really old lol) me who has done nothing for Him, who often forgets to treat Him like the friend He is, who does not always trust him with my whole heart like I should. Thank you Jesus. I am so very thankful that I have a supportive family. Today I thought I would be at home holding my baby boy and passing him around to show him off to relatives but today is lonely day. I will be at work with one other person with no son at home waiting for me. Im sad yes, but I still have a wonderful family who has been there for me always, and especially in the last two months. I am thankful for my friends. It seems like they are few but I am thankful. What would I do if I didnt have other people around to just get away and have fun with? Im thankful for the food I have. There are so many who go without. Im thankful for the roof over my head and the clothes I wear. I literally weep in the car every time I see a homeless person on my way to work. I cant imagine trying to fight off people and animals, the dark cold nights, and the sunny hot days. I don’t have to do any of that. I am thankful. I am thankful for the things that I have to enjoy myself. Crocheting, art, singing, my car, my job. Things God provided to keep me busy. Thank you Lord.
The last few days I’ve been sick, I sill am today. I just feel yucky and snotty and all gucked up (thats not a real word, its just how I feel lol). I havnt written because of this. A couple of days ago I went into Seths room.
Its a mess but I dont want to do anything with it. It was nice and clean but when I came home from the hospital everyone shoved stuff in it to keep me from seeing it (I understand). It still smells like baby from the wipes and dreft. Sometimes I go in there just to look through things. I miss the excitement of going through the baby stuff and now I cant do that.
This is what we got from the hospital it was nice. I just need to see it sometimes.
Miss you Seth.
I bought more crocheting stuff.
Im gonna try and learn patterns, in between all of the other junk Im trying to get done lol.
Posted in crochet, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged crochet, Death, Food, God, Holiday, Infant Loss, jesus, Lord, sick, Stillbirth, stillborn, Thanksgiving, United States
Im getting really sick really fast and Im super dizzy. Kind of feel like Im drunk, without the drunk. Going to bed early tonight cause everything spinning. Ill write tomorrow.
I have to blog NOW! :D….
I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.
You do not even know how excited I am lol.
*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.
So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.
Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…
I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.
Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that. I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).
I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.
When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow
when I’m empty and alone
I turn to you
When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark
I turn to you
and here in your holy presence its all that i can do
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.
For the faith to move ahead.
and to let go of the past.
To see me as you do.
I turn to you.
and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
When I’m weak I will follow.
In your arms I will stay.
Will you lead me’
only you can save.
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you.
Posted in crochet, Health, Hobbies, Jesus, my love, Music, School, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged crochet, EKG, friends, God, jesus, Lord, scarf, school, selah, sick, Work
Tonight Im making this short and sweet because I am going to lay down and sleep so I can forget all of this mess that I am feeling. I want to cry. I have extreme itching all over my body (with no rash) and aches all over. I have no physical rash but I just itch all over and NOTHING helps it. I just want to rip my skin off. Its making me paranoid and I cant stand it. I want to know why I have been itching for all of these weeks and same with these pains Im getting all over. I get insurance in February, ugh it seems soooo far away, I just want to go to the doctor now. I hate insurance and doctors and giant medical bills, I just want to know.
Please dear Lord, take away this itching and these pains I have. My skin is starting to become raw and Im just plain tired. I just want to cry, please take it away.
…. I crocheted a little kids scarf, finally did it. I helpe krista put up the christmas tree today too. Ill post pictures later I am itching so bad that I cant even type.
Posted in crochet, Health, Hobbies, Jesus, my love
Tagged crochet, doctors, God, health, itching, jesus, Lord, pains, paranoid, sick