Even though I dont want to complain one bit about pregnancy because I DO want EVERY second of this… I need a place to spill my emotions and this is it so ignore it or read it. I feel like crying sometimes because-
I feel like…. poop. lol. Oh my word. No matter how little or how much sleep I get I feel like I am going to fall over at any second. Im sitting on the couch, trying to get motivated to clean again before Steven comes home, but my eyes are on fire. They burn and Im tired. I feel like I have zero energy, not even enough to breathe. 15.5 weeks = nothing is different
Here is the worst part of the last few days. I have lost ALL control of my bladder. It is so embarrassing. No matter how many thousands of kegels I do, I pee myself multiple times daily. Im sick of it. Im sick of changing, of peeing, of not being able to control my stinking bladder. Is something wrong? This did not happen last time and Seth was right on my bladder for the WHOLE pregnancy the doctors said. I know after I had the baby I had some problems with jumping and sneezing, but those were tinkles, this is…. disastrous. Ill be 21 in a little over a month for goodness sakes, is this really how its gonna be forever???? Am I always going to be the young girl turned granny, wearing diapers out to my date nights at 21? Im to the point where Im angry because Im scared to go in public and pee myself. I guess I will talk to the doctor about it but what is he gonna do about it… And the great thing is too it seems like I only have to cough and sneeze when Im pregnant, I do it at least 5 times a day, I dont remember EVER sneezing before being pregnant.
I really need to get up and all I want to do is sleep… I slept 10 hours last night and I feel like I never went to bed.
Cant. Wait. Till. Baby. Is. Here!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged babies, bladder, chil, Children, family, health, Home, motivation, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, sleep
I want so bad to just run away (by myself) and start over. I don’t want anyone or anything. I look so happy because Im literally tired of talking to people about what has happened to me so I smile and nod and say yeah I’m good because I’m tired of talking about it. I have everything I want and nothing I desire. Im not ready to take down the stuff in the baby’s room. I’m not ready for holidays or family gatherings. I just want to be alone. seriously. I want to drive (by myself) till I’m tired and just stay wherever I land. I do not want to see any pregnant people or babies or lovie dovie husbands and wives. I am soooo angry at pregnant women I dont even want to open my mouth because its rediculous.
Stillbirth changes people. My relationships have changed and it sucks. I feel like I dont mean much, I get put down, I’m just tired of it. Im tired of things being different. Besides my son not being here, nothing is different from how it was before so why treat me different?
I dont want to sing, work, do art, read, crochet. I want to start over. Be a different person. New name, new hobbies, new town, new everything. Its not gonna happen but I can make up my own fairy tale in my head.
Steven has been home the last couple days (hence no blogs from me) waiting on work and of course he wont be home when I’m off work this weekend, whatever it doesn’t matter anyways, Hes been in a bad mood towards everyone since I can remember now for the last few months and there is no excuse for it. Id rather be alone if that is the case.
we bought a new car
New 2012 Kia Soul… FIRST new car EVER lol… It smells nice. Its cute. It has lights in the cup holders and floor board and at night it looks cool. It has Bluetooth with my phone so I can call people through my car without using my phone. Satellite for a year, 5 year roadside assistance, 5yr/60,000 miles bumper to bumper warranty and 10yr/100,000 miles power training warranty. I pray God lets us get super good use out of it and we can pay it off early maybe (that would be nice).
I want to escape for a little bit. I guess sleep is the only thing that will do that for me right now so….
Posted in death, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged alone, anxiety, change, kia soul, new car, sleep, Stillbirth, stillborn
Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.
I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.
After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.
I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.
I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this
I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.
Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.
We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..
I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.
BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.
just want relief.
Posted in Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Music, School, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, Work
Tagged anxiety, car, church, Death, hospital, Infant Loss, Music, panic attack, school, singing, sleep, solo, Stillbirth, stillborn, tired, Work