Feeling a little crazy tonight. My anxiety has been on a high lately. My final is Friday. My first ultrasound clinical in 6 days. Taking care of the baby by myself lately with Steven working. Thinking of my momma every second of the day and praying she feels better very very soon. And of course … the 25th. Wednesday. I sort of feel my heart shriveling as I think about it.
September 25th is Seth’s birthday. He would have been 2 this year and I almost dont believe it. I remember that day so vividly. Oh how I miss my baby doll. He was so precious. He was so handsome. He was big enough to hold in my arms and loved enough to be born into heaven on the same day that he was born to this earth. My son taught me so much about love. He taught me how precious each person’s life is. He taught me how important things are and how unimportant stuff is. He helped me grow up and realize that there is more to life than my silly issues.
I will never forget you Seth Andrew. You were my first love. You taught me love and I cant thank you enough. I only wish that you were sitting here watching your baby sister growing up. I cannot explain to anyone how important you are to me. No words will ever be able to explain it. It will never stop hurting and it will never be ok. I just look forward to seeing you one day. I am a beautiful mother because of you. I am who I am because of you. You were too beautiful for earth and you were called home too early for me but just in time for Jesus.
It seems unreal. 2 years. That rainy morning 2 years ago I had no clue what was happening, nor what my future had in store for me.
God always has it under control and He will show himself and take care of it all. It will be ok. Dont worry. He will make it all better.
I wish I had to words to really express how I feel but I know in my heart how I feel.
Im sure at this point you would have been a crazy screaming, running 2 year old. You would have had all of the kisses that my heart could contain. Your tiny little hands fit perfectly in mine when you were born but they would have been grabbing onto mine so easily this year. You would have been begging daddy to go outside and eating big boy food. You would have been mumbling all kinds of things and I would have heard those sweet words- mama and dada. You would have been the master at playing with your toys and you would have had a definite mix of attitude from your dad and I. You were meant to be an amazing little boy and maybe thats why you went home early, you were just too amazing for us. We would not have been able to handle how sweet you would have been. Sometimes I dream about you. I dream that you are so quiet and loving and cuddly. You just sit in my lap and dont say a word. I did not lose you before I knew you. I carried you to the end and I carry you in my heart. I talked with you in my tummy, I took you everywhere, I felt you kick. I felt you move and twist and punch. I saw you enter the world and I saw every beautiful feature of your face. Thank you for being you and impacting our lives. You will always be my son, my love, my baby.
You ever loving mommy,
So today starts a VERY long 10 weeks. Yesterday when I went to my perinatologist they did an ultrasound and the tech said that everything was looking good. the baby still had her head enveloped and smooshed against my placenta lol, but at least she is head down again. She was 3 lbs 5 oz and 15.9 in long. I will be 30 weeks in a couple of days. Im excited but now Im very nervous because they told me that my blood pressure has slowly been rising in my logs and that they think it is best for me to not continue working. They are specialists, this is their job to make me and the baby stay healthy… but its hard to accept. So starting today Im not working until after delivery. I cried last night before bed, I cried when I woke up today, and I cried when Steven called me. Financially it is scary (I took out short term disability hoping to use it for the baby but now, if I even get accepted, it will be all used up by the time the baby gets here). What is keeping me sane is the fact that this is my favorite season, my daughter is on her way, and I have a ton of cleaning and preparing to do. What is driving me crazy is, now I have to limit my baby spending, which is my favorite thing to do- baby shop.
Sometime this week I have to complete yet ANOTHER 24 hour urine test to look at my kidney’s and the effect my blood pressure is having on my body (that sucks). Everything is going to be all smooshed into weekly slots now because I see my specialist every Monday and my OB every Thursday until the end.
So I guess the point of me staying home is to lessen my anxiety and my blood pressure so I will try to do my hypnobirthing a little bit every day and keep calm. In 4 weeks, it will be the the same amount of weeks in which I lost Seth. That is going to be hard to cope with. Tip-toeing past every day from that point, wondering if we’re going to make it.
I feel so guilty for not working because Im not sick, Im just pregnant with high blood pressure. I hope my husband does not feel burdened but I hope too that work continues to pile up for him. He loves to work. He told me the other day that he is glad that work has picked up because it makes him feel like a man and he is glad to be busy. I pray that he gets a full 40 hours of work every week through the end of this medical leave I have to take.
There are jobs I can try to get at the hospital like sitting jobs (sitting with the elderly and baker acts) but if I am being paid by my employer then I am not on FMLA like my specialist requested and they can refuse treatment and my insurance can refuse payment. :(….
I just feel like poop not doing anything productive but I promise to keep up with the housework, finish all of the baby projects I started, and take good care of myself daily now. This will eventually end and I will eventually have my job to go back to, Thank the Lord.
Its almost November :-O…. oh my word, this baby will be here soon.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Holidays, Infant loss, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, baby, Blood pressure, child, Children, daughter, fall, family, health, Holidays, Home, husband, Hypertension, Infant Loss, Pregnancy, rainbow baby, seasons, son, Stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Today is Sunday. September 23, 2012.
These next few days are going to be rough ones.
Seth was born on September 25th, 2011 (this year it falls on Tuesday) on a gloomy Sunday morning like today.
I have been avoiding writing- in fear of history repeating itself, in fear of remembering what I felt that day, in fear of facing the truth that my son would have been 1 whole year old. 1 year.
I remember that morning. I woke up around 7 when the nurses shift changed (I was happy, I loved my day nurse). I had been contracting for 16 hours. Around 8 or 9am my water broke and my father in law had left for church while my sister, mother, mother in law, and husband, sat around me with saggy black eyes. we just sat their quiet ALL morning. While those at church were praying for a speedy delivery, I did just that, delivered my baby boy with no problems at 11:30.
Wow it has been a year. what do babies do at 1 year old? What would he have looked like? In the year I think I have hardened my heart to some bitterness because time grows further away from that moment when I met Seth. I notice that I am not so angry at pregnant women but I have less tolerance. I am more aggravated by people who talk about their children.
Life will not be normal. Brea will not bring Seth back. I miss him so dearly. All I can do is really be strong. I cant do anything else as these next few days come. They will drag but fly. Im tired. I dont want to cry today but I have been so emotional. I chalk it up to being very pregnant.
There will be flowers at church today for Seth’s birthday. Will people notice? does anyone care? Today is just as important to me as it was a year ago. Its all about my baby boy. I dont want people to forget. His birthday is much more important than mine.
Im going to listen to the heart monitor and get in the shower. (the baby has been really quiet this morning).
Posted in Family, Friends, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged baby, child, Children, Death, family, friends, health, Home, Infant, Infant Loss, Loss, Pregnancy, son, Stillbirth, stillborn
On a dreary rainy day like this, six months ago, on a Sunday like this, I was 2 hours and 30 minutes away from meeting my baby. His name is Seth. He was 5 pounds exactly and 19 and a … Continue reading
Steven and I went kayaking Sunday. It was beautiful. We spent 4 hours on the water (and thank God, we didnt seen any alligators, cause we were in salt water). Well… Steven’s boat started sinking (his drain plug fell out) so we got out and a shallow spot, it happened to be an oyster bed and my flip flop came off with the current and I stepped on the oysters- its like shards of glass going into your foot. It was the worst pain Ive ever had of stepping on something. I called off work because it is IMPOSSIBLE to walk, it sucks and its awful!
In other news, My momma got engaged today! After 15 long years since my daddy passed away I am thankful that my mom will not be alone anymore. Im happy for her and Adam!
Things have just been stressful lately between school, work, money, and my own sanity. Everything reminds me of Seth lately. The men going to work early in the morning. It reminds me of summer when Steven would leave for a week at a time and he’d kiss my tummy goodbye and be so excited when he came home to see how much I grew that week. The weather. Its getting warm here in Florida. Another reminder of last March when I found out I was pregnant and had serious hot flashes and sleep attacks. Life moving on is just a bad reminder. This month, March 25th, Seth would have been 6 months old. Oh my goodness, six months, wow! Imagine how big he would have been, how interactive he would have been. I miss him so much. Im so sad. I want another baby so bad. I just feel like I have nothing right now. Im thankful for all my goals with school and adulthood, it’s probably the only thing keeping me going that I wake up for. I miss my son. It hurts to see all of my friends babies growing up. My son could have been that big right now. Instead, Im sitting here crocheting, eating tuna out of a can cause im too lazy to cook or clean or stand, while my husband plays xbox all day.
Im scared to go into Seths baby room. We havnt touched it since a week before he died when we had the baby shower and set the whole room up. Im just scared Ill have a panic attack. I want to play with all of the little clothes and I want so bad to just put them on a baby and hold him or her. I just want to so bad.
Tomorrow we are painting memory boxes for the hospital at the crochet group. It hurts that these are going to more people, experiencing the same thing.
Posted in anxiety, crochet, death, Family, Friends, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Kayaking, Paddling, School, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn, Work
Tagged anxiety, babies, baby, Baby shower, Children, crochet, engaged, family, florida, God, Infant Loss, kayak, kayaking, lazy, memory box, mom, money, Oyster, oysters, paddling, pain, Pregnancy, pregnant, school, son, stilbirth, stillborn, Work
My story in my baby sisters eyes.
Posted in death, Family, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, MTHFR, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged baby, Death, family, God, Infant Loss, jesus, Loss, sister, son, Stillbirth, stillborn, writing