While you post pictures of your baby growing up every year, I post pictures of this stone growing old and weathered.
I am very excited that it finally came in, the ground was so barren without anything there. BUT- someone stole the vase!!!! I have been looking forward to leaving flowers and someone had the nerve to steal the copper vase from my baby boy’s grave! How can someone do that?! You obviously see its my baby there!
Today has been hard. I was at work alone, everyone at the hospital this weekend (staff and patients) were in a CRAPPY mood. I heard everyones junk all day. Im getting stuck with some crappy shifts. Im just tired of it all. I have a good job but Im tired of working, Im tired of putting up with crap, Im tired of listening to others peoples worries when MY BABY is GONE. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see I’m still going through something here and you are still throwing junk on me like nothing ever happened. I have enough crap to put up with at home and work, I just dont want to deal with it. I need vacation to come like no tomorrow. Im just tired of it.
I got off work and sat in the car for 5 minutes crying before I pulled out of the parking spot I was in. It sounds annoying just typing about it… Im in a BAD mood, Im depressed, Im angry, Im very emotional…. just depressed. I dont have the energy to do ANYTHING, the house is a mess, the bills are overwhelming, I dont want to exercise anymore, and nothings easy. I have pain all over, stress, anxiety.
On the way from work to the cemetery, I just cried, and hyper-ventilated. I pulled in and ran to Seth’s grave, stumbling and wailing like it was the first day he was laid there. as I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes his stone came into focus. This was a surprise, I haven’t seen it before, it must have just come in. After 4 months and eight days, it came in. I loudly weeped over that stone and didnt care if one person was around. I sat there in my work scrubs, knees on the dirt, crying. The sun shined around the tree and hit my back so I just layed down. when I sat up and looked there was a maintenance man across the lawn starring, he quickly turned his head. I didnt care, I dont care.
Im just so tired of everything else. Nothing else matters. When you have a child nothing else matters. When you have a child that dies, nothing else matters EVER again. I am sick to my stomach to hear complaining, whining. Its just sad. The pictures of my son will never be a face,a baby, a license picture, a man in a wedding, a family….I will not have that opportunity with my Seth. We do not have the means for a child right now and it brings bitterness but what are you going to do.