Tag Archives: tired

Motherhood

I know it has been so long but I have just been so so busy.

Must vent!

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried every day this week because from 5 in the morning to 10 at night it is all about the baby all of the time. She sleeps good and shes a good baby but she eats ALL the time and poops all the time and needs attention all the time… I know, its what I expected and I am so thankful and I said that I would never complain but sometimes I need some help. 

It’s a little too much to ask for 1 day to myself ( or not even to myself, just for 1 day with some help). Now I will be starting school and be in school ALL day and practicing scanning (sonography) after school. Between weekends and Monday I work about 33 hours. When I come home I have to feed and bathe the baby and put her to bed and then Im ready for bed, only God knows how I will be able to study to pass this program. 

It would not be so bad if I had help. Im not going to make this a bashing thing but let’s face it, I dont have any help at home… Im very very bitter about it because Ive asked so many times and nothing works. It makes me sad because its just making me a bitter person. I want more children but cannot and will not have any more most likely because I cannot do this all myself all over again. 

Its not been a good few weeks. Of course I am very scared about school (im paying a lot of money, I want to pass). Im worried about my sister (shes 19 and is not and should not have to be on her own but someone else in this house is not being nice about helping her… I will not put up with someone not caring about family). My mom is chugging along with her battle with cancer. Im so proud of her. She’s so brave and she’s gone through so much treatment and hospital stays and bad days and good days and she’s got this – we all know it!

home just has not been good to me lately. I feel like Im batteling a little bit of depression, not because I can’t handle the problems but because I cant put up with certain problems… or people. I would much rather be away from home (not the baby… just home). Shopping, work, school, cleaning the car out- anything is better than being at home. 

I really do want sleep though. Im very sleep deprived this week which does not help. The baby sleeps perfect. 12 hours straight through every night since about 2 months. Im just so tired because… I guess because Im aggravated at home. I always used to say that I would spill my guts out all over this blog but sometimes I just cant for the sake of keeping  half decent relationships with people since I know they read this. 

All I want for mothers day (which I know I wont get), is to have no one argue with me, and be by myself. no noise, no aggravation, no responsibilities to tend to every waking (and sleeping) moment of the day.. That is not possible, and its ok. I just need to see that Im going to get help during the school week or things are going to change in my life really fast. 

 

Brea has been growing like a weed. She sits up with assistance. She eats baby food now (we just tried peas tonight- she HATES them :(… ). She babbles alot. Smiles alot. Poops alot. Eats every three hours. Sleeps 12 hours a night. Takes a couple of naps a day. Refused the pacifier a month ago and now sucks on her fingers all of the time. Shes 18 weeks and 1 day today. Shes my world. She makes me smile. She makes me get up. She makes us all happy when we’re having a sucky day. Shes the sunshine to me and my momma. She is my beautiful baby. I could not live without her. I will give up whatever I have to if it means that I will always have her to take care of (at least till she doesnt want me to anymore when shes 30 :D). 

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middle of the night plea

I feel so bad coming onto my blog and whining but this ear pain is the worst thing I have EVER experienced. I can handle most pain but I cant handle this. This is day two of no sleep and I am sitting on my couch at 2 am crying so hard that I am hyperventilating. I just want to sleep so bad but Ive never been in this much pain before, Im not lying when I say I would rather have a baby than have this ear infection. I have caved and been taking 2 extra strength tylenol around the clock but it is not even touch the pain…. I just want it to go away. I want to sleep and feel better, I cant wait 4 days for these stupid ear drops to start working. I need pain relief so bad. I have to go to the maternal fetal medicine doctor on Tuesday at 8 AM and then work 2-10, how can I do that with 3 days of no sleep?

Im praying so hard right now, I dont know what to do, Ive never felt so helpless. All I can hear is loud thumping, my hearing is completely gone, my jaw wont open so I cant eat, and the whole left side of my face is swollen like someone hit (but no one did, except a nasty infection).  I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. What am I gonna do through these night hours (besides get struck by violent morning sickness cause Im hungry and cant eat)? All I can do is sit through each minute watching time crawl.

 

Im trying to be strong. I know I cant take anything for the baby’s sake but I feel so close to chopping off my ear, ugh. How could it get this bad? at least last time Tylenol eased the pain so I could sleep through the night, this time when I take it, its like I never really took it, I feel NO lessening of pain at all.

Sorry for whining, I just need to vent…

Rant of the day

I am just really angry and really stressed. Today was CHAOS and really busy and I had about 2 minutes to shove a sandwich down my throat at work and run to the ER since I was getting paged while I was eating and no one could help… I have a giant migraine, I havnt been sleeping. This house thing is SOOOO stressful. Now we found a house we like and the STUPID lender is not answering ANY of our calls UGHHHH, I JUST WANT THE STUPID HOUSE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG!!! I have A TON of homework to do and A TON of crocheting to do for someone and my body hurts I dont feel like doing it. My husband is annoying me.There is not enough time in the day. Im angry and just want to be left alone, except for our broker I want them to STINKING CALL US BACK LIKE YESTERDAY!…

thats my rant for the day

Black Friday

Black Friday: the day after Thanksgiving where people dont sleep and stay up all night to go shopping for deals (usually fights and crazy things occur over lots of items) and then sleep all afternoon. (I am not partaking in such nonsense lol).

About to head off for work, its 5 AM and Im so sick ugh, it sucks, I want to lay in bed and sleep all day and I still have two more days of work.

Relief please?

Back and forth on my emotions again today. I had a very stressful day. There were a lot of stat calls and emergency situations at work today (oddly enough, not in the ER) so of course the adrenaline rush pumps my anxiety after I do my job. I have been having chest pain and I just feel yucky.

I got a text saying my cousin was going into labor today. I cried and wanted to go home from work but I just went down the the ER and kept busy. It is hard. We were supposed to have our sons around the same time… I actually went to go see her, I just stopped in and said hey before everyone got there and before the contractions got worse. It was fine. We just talked about work and how excited her daughter was.

After that I went to the desk and asked if they took pictures of Seth when I had him because I thought I heard they would. The charge nurse came up front because the lady at the nurses station didn’t know. I repeated the question and she asked for the birthday and my last name, She went in the back and said “Wait, weren’t you in room 1, and wasn’t the baby’s name Seth”… Yes, I answered. She had a good memory. She said “Yeah, I took the pictures of him”. She couldn’t find the pictures but promised that someone would call me tomorrow and have an answer of when they would be in.

I’ve just been a nervous wreck all day I haven’t even eaten. I finally ate something a few minutes ago just cause I had forgotten to eat all day. I have so much homework and I cant focus long enough to go through it.

I was asked to sing a solo at church. I am TERRIFIED, Im even considering backing out. I sang the song before but it’s been YEARS and I just am scared that I will be so nervous that I wont do it justice, or Ill pass out, or Ill just act like an idiot. I hate being as nervous as I am for solo’s. I just want to get sick. Imagine this shy little girl singing this

I want to throw up, or poop my pants, or both. Maybe if the lights were off, or someone was distracting the attention away from me by signing or dancing I would not be AS nervous. Not to mention I may cry. .. I would not have been able to sing this if I was pregnant. I remember how out of breath I was from just standing.

Im so anxious. I hope I sleep good. I just feel emotional. I want to lay in bed. I cant wait till my husband comes home this weekend.

We didn’t get the car loan… Its cause you must be self employed 2 years in order to be approved if you are a self employee and Steven is but has only been for like 6 months so…. POOP on you bank, poop on you… I don’t understand, we already had a loan with them and paid it off and our debt to income ratio is good and our credit is good … ugh..

I wish I could just kick this anxiety, I dont know why my mind is running a million miles a minute. I just want to relax and not think about anything… Including school lol.

BUT, life goes on, I MUST go finish my homework or Im gonna be in trouble, I only have a week and a half left of this class and then I start another one. They have an online live session tonight and Im DREADING DOING THAT.

just want relief.