Im trying not to be paranoid but I am sort of freaking out. Today was a very busy day. I went to the beach with my sister and friend. we came home and painted some more boxes for the hospital, played the xbox kinect, and then I wiped down and vacuumed out my car. When I got in the shower tonight I was washing down my legs and noticed that behind my left knee in the crease there is a round swollen spot the size of a small orange. It does not hurt but its scaring me. I dont want it to be a blood clot or something scary/scarier.
I dont want to go to the doctor and them tell me that Im crazy. I guess Ill see what it looks like tomorrow. I have a financial aid appt before work tomorrow in the morning so Im praying that in the morning ALL swelling is gone so I dont have to go to the doc. Im just so scared and emotional and really upset that my husband is not here to talk to me about all this so he can hold me and ease my fears. Hes so good at that and Im having such a hard time not seeing him (because of his work schedule). I absolutely hate this.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Rainbow baby, Steven, my love
Tagged babies, baby, child, Children, family, health, husband, love, mom, Pregnancy, swollen knee, wife
Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.
He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone. Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.
In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).
It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….
Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.
I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!
Posted in crochet, death, Family, Health, Hobbies, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged babies, baby, crochet, emotions, ER, family, God, health, hospital, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, love, mom, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife
Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.
Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.
Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.
So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!
This is an excerpt from this site
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.
Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged Abraham, Abram, anxiety, anxious, babies, baby, Bible, Children, Christian, Christianity, Death, family, Girl Talk, God, Hagar, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, Ishmael, jesus, love, period, pms, Pregnancy, Sarah, sick, Stillbirth, stillborn, wife