It has been one month since I have gotten to talk to my momma. As the month has gone on it has become much harder because it is hitting me that she is not coming back. It is the worst feeling, to know that you cannot just call your best friend anymore. I think this month has been worse because I am back on clinicals and I was only back a day from clinicals before my mom passed away. At my last clinical I called my mom every day on my way home and talked to her for an hour. It felt good to hear her voice and get her approval and encouragement. Now I feel so insecure because I drive home from clinical and get depressed thinking about all the things I may have not done right and I get frustrated that I have no confidence. I know I shouldn’t have but isn’t it the human in us to find peace in our moms? Even when she was so sick she sort of made me forget that I have fear. She always told me that I was brave and just go get things done when they need to be done but I only did it because of her, because I wanted to see her smile, get her approval, find comfort in her happiness. Now I have a very very hard time finding comfort. or happiness. I don’t like talking about it too much because I’m sure people get sick of hearing it but the feelings are so overwhelming. It is something you cant explain. I keep remembering when I was first pregnant with Seth and it was the first time I had the flu as an adult, my mom drove 30 minutes to my house, brought soup and Gatorade and laid down with me the whole day, wiped my head, helped me bathe, She was still my momma. I am most distraught that I will have no one for those moments now. It has been a very emotional week. I miss her. I don’t have a lot of excitement to move forward at all…. but I have to. Im a mom. It is frustrating, I just want it to be me sometimes so I can lay down and sleep and cry and not be bothered but Im sure this will pass.
I am at an OB/childrens hospital this month (for those of you who need catching up on my schooling). I have 4 months left of school- 2 of those months are clinicals, 1 of those months are a class, and 1 of those months is our review for graduation. It has been hectic but Im ready for it to end. This waking up at 4AM is killing me. Praying that I get all of my OB numbers this month so I can go where I want to go for my last month of clinicals.