Its Halloween

So today I was having a hard time.

Steven is out of town working (thank God for work, we needed it), but I wanted to spend the day with him.I wanted to take a Halloween decoration to Seth’s grave, but it was raining. Its been raining all week and I haven’t been able to go see him. I walked to the mailbox in the rain upset when I woke up. To my lovely surprise the necklace I ordered from Etsy.com came in!

I am so excited! Its beautiful, better looking than I imagined. I am going to wear this necklace every day for the rest of my life! The chain that it came with was actually a very good one but I put it on my gold necklace since that is the one steven gave me when we were dating and I saved the original chain in the box. I was surprised to see it. It was supposed to take two weeks but it only took one. So anyways, that made my day quite a bit.

We carved our pumpkins a little early but I had the best time doing it! It was my first pumpkin carving. I carved the owl :-).

I cant believe its Halloween. These next few days will be hard. Its hard to think that this could have been Seth’s first Halloween. His due date was exactly 11 days from today, Oh my word, imagine how thrilled I would be right now.

I sat in his room for a little while last night. there is so much stuff in there. So many little clothes. I was ashamed for thinking this but I am not anymore after thinking about it. I don’t want him to be cold and wet so I have come to hate the rainy days and this cool fall. I thought – how stupid and un-theological is that, but- how un-theological is it that we go visit a grave. A body with a person that is not there anymore. It is only the human in us. It is only the mom in me. Sometimes when I am really tired, I find myself holding my arms in a cradling position. When I go to bed I see his hand and wake up when my hand reaches out to touch his and it just rubs against the bed. I want so bad to share pictures with you of my sweet baby but at the same time I don’t want to loose him. Its such a weird feeling. I just feel like there’s still a piece of him left and its the last piece and I don’t want it to all be over after his face is out there. Its hard to explain that your a mom with no baby. I have all of this baby stuff and I just want so bad to have another baby. My heart says I’m ready but my head says not yet. Of course my lovely Steven, I must care about his feelings too. I can tell he misses Seth. He took the words out of my mouth yesterday. I noticed he was uncomfortable at church yesterday and he left the service a little early to go sit in the truck. When I got there he managed to get out “every time I look at that alter, all I see is his casket”. “Me too” I said. No matter how many flowers or pumpkins or decorations go up there I’ll always see his tiny little casket laying up there.

Its not getting easier, but what can you do. I’m not gonna lie, It hurts to hear about everyone else’s pregnancy updates, showers, pictures, big bellies, kicks…. But there’s no reason to stay away from that for my whole life, I don’t need to make my “triggers” worse, which there seems like there are a lot.

I hope that there are many beautiful children out there tonight that get to enjoy this Halloween and their parents really really cherish them. Every breath, step, word, and beautiful big eyed looks. They are your gift, your reason. Never take them for granted.

I’m not going to make it to the cemetery today. I really want to but with just me working I don’t really have the money in gas and decorations to go out there. Maybe I can visit on the way to work this week since its not really out of the way.

I have some homework I need to catch up on but I want to leave you with a beautiful song I found. I am reading Angie Smith’s book “I will carry you” that she wrote after losing her daughter. It makes me cry really bad, lol, but she has so many beautiful truths from the Bible in it. Her husband is the lead singer of Selah and they wrote this song in memory of their daughter that they never got to bring home. These are their pictures from the hospital

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i’m not
Truth is i’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who’s chosen Me
To carry you

The answer

My midwife called me with the results of the blood tests. Seth had a blood clot in his cord. I have MTHFR (the mother-father gene) or (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase). This gene causes blood clots, misscaraiges, strokes, heart disease…

This MTHFR gene does not allow amino acids to convert into other amino acids and eventually leads to important protiens not being able to be made. Its amazing that Seth made it to the size that he did before he passed away. Ussually babies of mothers who have MTHFR die in early weeks as an early misscariage.

There are many risks to having more babies. They could get a clot again, I could misscarry before I even get to far, they could be born with spina bifida, autism, (any type of neural defects). I am praying for my next pregnancy in the future to be healthy. My family has had a lot of healthy pregnancies. Theres no reason for me to surpass those risks with the treatments there are today.

I was told when I am ready to have a baby again that I need to have a “pre-pregnancy consultation” to make sure Im taking high doses of folic acid before I get pregnant. I will need to take asprin and possibly other blood thinners or extra B vitamins.

Its a 50/50 chance. Its terrifying. To know that my next pregnancy will be lived out in total fear= TERRIFYING. I was sick to my stomach all day waiting for a phone call. Im glad to know that we have the chance to take precautions for the next one but its so scary to know that I could possibly have multiple losses. As much as I dont want Seth to be alone up there, he has Jesus, I dont want to send him more brothers and sisters for my sanity’s sake.

I could or could not have problems having more children. my midwife told me “each pregnancy is a risk and you must be prepared for what might happen”.

Yes Im a little angry. So many people spit out kids with no problems and I have a genetic disorder that could stop my babie’s developement at any time that it decides to silently attack. I will be worried until the last minute of my next pregnancy. I would probably be happy to induce at the moment my doctor says im ready. Its scary, I dont want to hurt any of my children.

Now I know… Life is short. I am different.

Life goes on

Today was my first day back at work since I gave birth to Seth two weeks ago. It was so nice to be back to work. It was a good feeling….

My feelings go up and down but I am overwhlemed at the Lords beauty of people. Sometimes it seems like this world is too lost and hopeless but I have been shown more love in the last two weeks than I have ever known apart from the love of Jesus. The people at work treated me so well.

I have been so fascinated with heaven lately. All I can think about is getting there to see me son. How long will it be, when will it be my turn. I know Hes waiting for me. I think amidst all of this storm I just knew, and this was probably all that kept me sane, I knew that my baby boy is just in Gods day care waiting for me to come get him when its time. I just feel like he is going to grow and learn and be nurtured just like a normal child. I know he is waiting to see me. Im waiting to see him.

I read heaven is for real by todd burpo. That was an amazing book and I encourage everyone to read it especially those who have lost a child *chapter 17= meant for me… I can just imagine heaven every time I hear music, or talk to Jesus, or anything- everything brings Jesus and heaven and my son to mind. I am so consumed by it all. I am consumed by Jesus.

I thought the other day, I mourned the loss of my son, but the loss of my son was nothing like the loss of God’s son. His son was beaten, hair ripped from his face, flesh ripped from his body, stabbed, nailed to a cross. How do you not become bitter after losing your son in that manner. Of course its God, how could He be bitter at Himself… He was showing me how to mourn. He showed me how to look forward to seeing my son again. I am thankful that God took my son more peacefully than His, that sounds selfish in a way but im sure He understands, thats why Im the sinner and He’s my savior. Seth took his first breath in heaven, first steps in heaven, first words in heaven- that is a much better life than what this world could offer.

Im sure heaven is beautiful and bright and busy. I can see my baby playing with his grandpa and great grandpa’s and Jesus- our Savior!

I am still healing myself. Its not easy, I still cry a lot. I still ask why alot. But I feel closer to heaven now more than I ever have. I feel on the verge of stepping into eternity because this life we live is just a mere second in time. I wish one day that I will be a great mentor. I hope that I can minister to young women and also women who have gone through what I have gone through. Nothing will take the place of Seth but he has made my love for the Lord grow massively and made my desire to help people deepen. I feel such compassion for people now. I want to save them all.  I want to fix them all. There is only one great healer, His name is Jesus.

There is a place for babies who never get the chance to have their firsts here on earth, that place is heaven. My baby only got to go there because someone gave His son up to die for mine.Thats beautiful.

I will never forget holding Seth. I will never forget what he looks like. I think God engrains these experiences with children in a womans mind so that we will remember who they are in heaven.

I hope the women out there who feel guilty, scared, angry, etc. for losing a baby, should just remember that their sins can be cleansed and they can meet with their child again one day. Heaven is different, we do not have the same earthly feelings up there. Our children will not ask us why we abandoned them, they will not be angry with us. It will be joyous.

I hope God uses me one day. I do not want to forget Seth or let his story be forgotten in vain. I want him to live on by helping me help others heal.