So Im here to write a blog since midterms are monday and I doubt I’ll be back till around next weekend.
Today I was thinking in the shower, this is such a bittersweet season for me. Mothers day is this Sunday and My first son who made me a mother will not be here to make me happy. Seth made me a mom. He groomed me for 8 months into a woman and past childhood. He opened my eyes to love and gratefulness. He was the star in my eyes last mothers day while he was in my tummy. I will never forget him. He is my son and my baby. If I could talk to him I would let him know that in no way do I feel like this child replaces him at all, I would not have been a mother if it wasnt for him and I surely would not have this baby if it wasnt for him because we didn’t want children for a LOOOONG time before he came along.
I dont feel guilty, just sad that he is not here. I am sooo sooo sooo thankful that rainbow is here now. I am beyond excited, its all I think about. I cant believe sometimes that I’m pregnant again. I have been getting some small classic symptoms. Stuffy nose (REALLY stuffy lol), very slight wooziness, and of course today is 5 weeks and my tummy is starting to poke a little. I hear that your second baby you become bigger fast, is that true? I feel like it! At 5 weeks I look like I did when I was 13 weeks. I have not gained weight, just a poochy stomach.
Im so thankful that God chose me, now, to have this baby. My whole life will change. I went back and looked at Seths ultrasounds and my bump pictures and all I can think about is how exciting that was!
It is slightly a different type of excited. Its more reserved. I thought last time, Im young and healthy nothing will seriously EVER happen to my pregnancy and then God woke me up. Now I have a hard time thinking about my future with rainbow because I dont want to be disappointed. Im just so ready, this is going to be a long 35 weeks lol.
This is my 20 week ultrasound of Seth.
Thank you for making me a mother baby boy. Even though you are not here, You are my life, the only reason I get up.
I have been addicted to crocheting lately. Its crazy, its all I think about and I cant sleep- that is pretty sad lol. I am super addicted to bulky/ chunky yarn too! its amazing, you can knock out a project (that would take you a month in regular yarn) in about 30 minutes! its amazing!!! Its just a little more expensive though. So Im probably going to make chunky yarn blankets for the hospital stillbirth boxes because Ive been taking too long and I need to get those out soon.
Heres my latest projects I did today and last night.
^ this turtle is a photo prop, its supposed to be used for this
> and yes that is where I bought the pattern from, I just made it a little different cause I didn’t want it to look exactly the same.
On another note…
I went to school yesterday for my last prep class before physics starts, the students were really encouraging and I cant wait to start the sonography program. It is going to be a lot of work but this is what I want. A girl told a story about her last clinical. She got called to the OB floor (at the hospital that I work at) and a lady who was 39 weeks pregnant lost her baby and she had to do the scan to confirm it. She said it was the hardest thing she has seen. I almost teared up as she talked about it. That is why I want to do this. I want to comfort those women, empower them with love and hope and a future. I need to be apart of this, that is why I changed my major, this IS my calling. I need to do this.
I need extra strength though and I pray every day that God will help me get through these classes and clinicals with a clear and open mind, mental strength, and guidance for a kind heart.
Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still. Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.
Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.
Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.
So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.
—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
– George Martin
Ever since I have joined this unwanted sorority of lost moms, I have found that stillbirth and misscarraige is happening every day, more than any of us wants it to. I have been invited to forums, blogs, facebook pages, faces of loss pen pal program, and other online coping programs but the loss is so great. It seems like almost every day another woman is struck again. It is burdening, it is aching. I wish I could do something about it. I have been so blind to how many children will be in heaven. I just imagine a handful, but this heavenly nursery must be overflowing! It is a heavy feeling. It is sad. And to know that most of these women have gone through it once before this time, … is scary.
God have mercy. Us women, we are broken. We are tired. We are hoping for our children, excitedly waiting. so many of us have problems having children and yet I know many a 16 year olds who cant take care of a baby for their life that are having them… why?…
sometimes we don’t get an answer.
I hope in time, we can do something to better support each other. This is for you faces of loss, women of empty arms, mothers of the childrenless.
Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Steven Finally talked to me the other day. It was a huge weight of reliefe. I have not really heard from him since Seth passed away and its been hard. I have felt so distant from him. I just need him. I dont know how I could live without him, even when we are in our biggest fight, I dont know how I could leave the man that gave me the chance to have my son Seth.
He finally told me how hurt he was. He mentioned that other people who dont want kids have them. How he feels like its our fault because we could have seen a different doctor and done different blood tests. He misses not being able to have someone around. He misses not having Seth to work on the truck with him. He misses having family. Steven once had brothers who passed away and he told me how lonely he has been, how friendless he has felt. No one to go fishing with, no one to hug and laugh with, Seth was his chance and Seth is gone. Hes stressed, he has a lot on his shoulders with the business, his contractor down his throat, trying to take care of me.
In an odd way I felt loved. I felt free from all of this anger Ive been holding in. I just needed my husband to let go of his weight. Its true, when you are married you are one person, one life- not two people together. I feel every emotion that he does, I feel every tear, I feel every bit of anything. The most special moments in my life have come when Steven has cried with me. It has only happened 3 times since Ive known him. Once when I found a lump in my neck (turns out I was pregnant with Seth and it was just my lymph nodes swelling). Once when Seth died, and now once when he finally told me how much Seth has effected him. He is terrified for this to happen again like anyone would be, so am I. But if we dont try, we dont have a baby. We are still not going to try (BIG sigh).
It seems not fair that parents that are non-fit and treat their kids stupidly are having kids or more kids….
Anyways, I have felt a lot better, feeling less tension around the house. Steven went to work on a dock yesterday and came home last night after he got a rusted underwater nail in his foot so we went to the ER and he got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics to take so it wont get infected. Poor thing is limping around. I feel bad for him.
I was kind of hoping to do something today but I know He’s sore so Im gonna crochet, we have a showcase coming up at church so everyone can see who we are and join. The more the better!
Alright so more girl talk ahead for those of you who want to avoid that.
Lets just face it, since Ive had the baby I feel like junk. poop.
Mother nature was supposed to visit today… . I am exhausted, fuzzy minded, nauseated, I feel like jello, have headaches, I feel like Im pregnant but Im almost 99.9% sure that Im not. We are not trying. I took a test yesterday cause I was feeling so bad and it was negative. IT SUCKS being a girl. The SAME symptoms of pregnancy are the SAME symptoms of PMS- UGHHHH. All I wanted to do was sleep cause Ive been exhausted but I have insomnia. I stayed up all night nauseated prepared to run to the sink if I couldnt make it to the bathroom. Again Im 99.9% sure its stress and pms. It makes me mad though because I SLIGHTLY want to be pregnant. I do have to admit- since starting the exercise thing, I have not been thinking so much about having a baby because I have this goal in mind. (speaking of, today was day 17 of the workout and I have not lost one pound UGHHH ( I lost 4 last week and gained all for back last week) and hour and a half of pure sweat EVERY day and NOTHING— I hope its just me gaining muscle and not seriously losing nothing). But anyways, I did see a pregnant woman at walmart the other day and I was staring at her, I know she noticed cause she gave me a dirty look but I sighed really big and looked at steven and said “I miss being pregnant, I miss the waddle, and the fullness, tight clothes, swollen body, everyone staring”… I just miss the excitement of expecting something good to come. My first and only son is and was my life but unfortunately he passed to me the fear of pregnancy, the fear that expecting is NOT exciting. Its edgy, scary, chance, a gamble, sacred. Its special but not as easy as you thought it would be. Every woman expects to have a baby and thats it. When she finds out shes pregnant, she dosnt expect what happened to me. I dont have any friends who have gone through what I have (none my age), and … it just sucks. I wouldnt want anyone to go through it but I dont want to be alone, I guess thats why I started this blog.
So… did I test too early? Is stress just delaying mother nature? Is something wrong with me? Is it just anxiety? Am I just a day late? Am I the P word?….. I just dont see it happening this month, its like impossible. I WISH it would, of course you can tell by my rambling but its stressful. Were going through a lot financially and emotionally as a married couple and I dont know if we could do it but God does. Im sure Ill start tomorrow and feel stupid for writing this BUT- YOU women know how I feel, I know you all have felt this at some point!
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife had borne him no children” (Gen. 16:1). God was soon to change Abram’s name to Abraham, from “exalted father” to “father of a multitude.” How could Abraham be the father of a multitude when he had no son? Now it was Sarah’s turn to devise a clever human scheme. She offered her Egyptian slave girl, Hagar, so that Abraham might have a son by her. We must admit that her suggestion revealed her belief that God would keep His word and give Abraham a son. It was obviously motivated by her love for Abraham and her desire for him to have that son. And sharing her husband with another woman would have been one of the most sacrificial things she could do. But it was not God’s way. It was another fleshly solution. And God’s ways are always best even when He is withholding what we think we need at the moment.
Sometimes women do crazy things against God’s plans when they are desperate, especially when it comes to children. The thought of bearing a child has been on woman’s mind since God placed it there in the beginning of time. Will I make the choice to just listen to God and have him use me when Im ready or will I do this on my time. I obviously have seen when I try to plan things and I even purposely follow an ovulating schedule- nothing happens, it wasnt His time. Will I be Sarah, waiting at a young age, or an old age, being impatient? Or will I be the Sarah that Abraham first met, who followed him through thick and thin being the wife that he deserved. Although my husband and I have made mistakes, I should stick it through, love unconditionally, and wait for an answer from God.
Today I worked 6am-2pm. I was sooo tired, I still am. I started off my routine EKG’s today by first of all having to go to the OB floor because the cardiac overflow is on one side of that floor and the birthing suites are on the other. On my way to that floor a big bellied woman stopped me and asked where the birthing suites are. I looked over at her big belly, packed bags, and swollen face, and jittery husband. I said oh…. and couldn’t get anything more out. Finally after what seemed like eternity I spit out, just follow me, I’m going there. She seemed really scared. I asked if she was being induced on this early morning and she replied yes, this is my second but I’m still so nervous. I wanted to excitedly interject with “I had my son a month and a half ago and it was a breeze, he was beautiful but he passed away.” Oh, I’m sure that would make her feel better! So I just quietly took them to the elevator and on the awkward ride up she said “So… Are the birthing suites nice here”…. I don’t know I only lost my son in one of those… What was I supposed to say? I actually said – “Yeah I’m sure they’re nice, the ones in the cape are big.”…. when I rushed off the elevator I felt like I was gonna get sick everywhere but I felt better a few minutes later. I went to the first room and get the EKG and as Im pulling the leads off and the P.A. comes in and asks the patient how he was doing and he starts to sob- “My wife just died a few weeks ago. We were together for 60 years and we lived in assisted living together and now Im lonely. I blow her a kiss to her picture every day. I asked God to take me to her but He dosn’t listen. He does not care about me.” I cried. Every time I said something he talked over me so i just let him talk about how beautiful his wife was and about all his grandkids. The P.A. finally spoke up and I left the room quietly.
Later I went to the ER to help a co-worker who was getting slammed, we were over our bed count. We are a heart and kidney hospital so we rarely get trauma unless its a true emergency and the patient CANT make the drive to LEE. Well, we got a traffic trauma alert today and my co-worker came out of the room and said he didn’t make it. His chest was all deformed and his bones were all mushed to one side from doing CPR for so long. I believe he was only in his 20’s. It was sad. He was in that room for a long time before they moved him to the morgue.
I walked to triage because one of the nurses wanted to talk to me. We sat down between triaging patients and she told me her story. She has MTHFR (homozygous), Factor 5 Leiden, and thrombosis. She said since she was 19 she has had 2 pulmonary embolisms and 5 DVT’s. She gave birth to a wonderful boy 7 years ago who would not have made it if it wasnt for her supportive doctors. She said she went against advice and carried the baby to full term (she did start labor at 7 months but they were able to stop it and she had to be on bed rest for 2 months). She got her tubes tied because she could not safely be on any birth control and her doctors advised her not to have another child for the sake of her and her baby’s life. I could tell she wanted more children and she was saddened by it. She gave me the name of a specialist OBGYN who dealt with her MTHFR (I’m C677T heterozygous) and the name of a hematologist that she and her family has seen. Its good to finally find a doctor who knows what there talking about.
Now… I want to have a baby but Im actually praying that I dont get pregnant too soon because I dont want to miscarry from this disorder within the first three months that Im waiting to get insurance and go see these specialists. Yeah, Im mad, I have to wait 90 days to get insurance since I moved fom PRN to part time. Ugh, Ive been an employee there, why does it start all over :(. If I do get pregnant and make it that far I pray that my insurance would still take me, its not my fault that waited 90 STUPID days!
I didnt get to crochet tonight because I made food for the week for work and Im working on homework now so hopefully tomorrow. I cant wait till I have off Friday, Im so tired.
Friday will be hard. My friends wedding is that day. Thats the day Seth was supposed to be born November 11,2011… It will be hard to go to the wedding honestly. I really want to be there but It will be so hard. I know I’m going to cry a lot on Friday. I just cant wait to relax this weekend though.
I miss you son. I cry at random moments and long for you all of the time. You make me emotional but you make me appreciate life and all of the beautiful people I have and all of the wonderful things I have. I look at people differently. I no longer judge by looks. I honestly ball my eyes out when I see the homeless on 41 or in the hospitals on these cool nights. I cry when I think about how grateful I am to have such a loving mother who has been my best friend all these years whether or not either of us realized it. I cry when I think of all of the sleepless nights I could have had with you Seth. All of the truck toys that I may have stepped on while getting up to check on you in the middle of the night, All of the tractor rides with your daddy, All of the hugs and kisses and excitement, poopey diapers, warm spit up…. I miss it. I miss what I never had.
God does hear me. He cries with me. He wept when Lazuraus died because he felt the pain that Mary and Martha felt, He knew it hurt. He knows it hurts.
He is here to stay. Seth is there to stay. This is not my home.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we’d have faith to believe
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not, this is not our home It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near What if my greatest disappointments Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise
Too Beautiful For Earth 