Tag Archives: Lord

Mess up

In the past two months… and two days, my life has been spun around, rung out, and whipped up more than ever. What hurts the most is that I hear and see people every day who are so “christian-like” but have NO desire to give mercy or grace? Didnt Christ do it for you. Where would you be if you made 1 stupid mistake and that was it, He just left you. You would have no life and no chance. Seriously. How many times have you disappointed God? (a billion) ok… how many times has he forgiven you? (all). How many times has someone hurt you? (once). How many times have you forgiven that person and realized we are humans who make mistakes and learn from them (none)…. < this is why people are turned off to christianity… Why should people follow other people who do not walk the talk… It makes me burn. I am so mad. I want to burn up everything I own and leave. Live under a bridge. Be free of all responsibility and have nothing but my husband and my soul. I hurt for people who hurt. For people who are broken, I cry for you. God has given me such a sensitive heart. Its good but its burdensome. I want to free people from their bondage and I cant. I want to beat up bullies who put other people down, but I cant.

Give a chance, we all mess up.

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Kick me while Im down, go ahead

Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.

I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.

Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….

Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.

[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]

I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.

Can you tell Im nervous?

This is my third post about singing today so I bet you can tell its geting to me.

Besides my beautiful sister who will always be my best friend (and whom Im lucky to have and I love with all of my heart), I am lucky to have met another wonderful friend. Id say at least 7 years ago, cause I know I knew her in 8th grade. Kayla- you encourage me so much. You know exactly what to say. God has used you and your spiritual maturity to bless me. Even though you have not been through some of the “adult” situations that I have- you always know what to say and do for those situations and why is it? Because you follow God and listen to His voice. God will and is using you. Thank you for thinking of me this morning as I’m trying to get myself together. I want to sing with passion and clear and unafraid and bring people closer to the Lord. She sent me these verses:

Isaiah 25:1

 1 LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.
and

Isaiah 43:2-4

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.

and

Isaiah 41:1

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you Kayla for being such a good friend and encouraging by faith. God has gifted you with such positivity and encouragement. These verses are exactly what I need, I need to live them out by faith.

Count down in 2, 1, 0….

I would be a fool to say I’m not nervous about singing on Sunday. It’s weird. I have no fear of acting on stage but I just have the hardest time taking my mind somewhere else when I sing.I’m shaking, have an upset stomach and my nerves are shot but in order to do well, you have to tell yourself that you are good. Here it goes. I better do it now cause I only have one full day left before its D-day.

I can do this. I’m a good singer. I have the range to successfully do this song without being nervous. My voice won’t crack. My nerves wont make me a wreck. I will not shake. I will have complete control of my breathing. I will not be uncomfortable. I will not focus on all the people in the audience. I will worship to God. Everyone wants me to do well. There is no competition. I will be fine and have enough support. There is nothing to be scared of. I’m doing what I enjoy doing best. Singing. I will not be afraid and I will use the right dynamics. Im going to close my eyes, stand tall and let go of my voice and let it do what it does best. The crowd wont stare or care whether or not I do well.

There is NOTHING to be nervous about. This is just an expression of a hobby of mine. Everyone knows the song already and they are probably going to sing along anyways…..

(ok, I said it, NOW I need to BELIEVE it… FAST lol)

Heres some stuff I found on this website.

http://www.singingmastermind.com/nervous-singing-nervous-shaking/

You have to change your mindset

Your mindset has to do with getting rid of anxious thoughts about your life, about what people will think, about how you will sound and simply listen to the music inside of you.

What you believe about yourself will cause you to panic or pull it together and that all starts way before you get up to sing.  It starts with a silent place inside of you, that place that makes you want to sing.  Remember that singing is natural.  The thing that happens that is unnatural is how we let everyone else’s opinion mess us up inside.

Think about what it was like to sing when you were a child, before anyone ever said anything unkind to you about your singing.  Did you care what anyone thought?  No, of course not.  You only cared after someone messed with your head.  So now you have to undo that junk and get the right kind of singing mindset inside of you.

So, when you sing, don’t think about what everyone else is thinking.  Think about your singing breath, think about relaxing your shoulders, focus on a “tunnel” in front of you to send your breath through, focus on how singing makes you feel good, how much you enjoy singing, how you LOVE singing.

Forget about everything else and just focus on singing!

I really need to practice believing in myself and just focusing on the fact that I like to sing, I should not let others people’s opinions scare me out of it. Why should they get to steal that joy from me?

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is almost every American’s favorite holiday- Thanksgiving (YAY). Food, family, and more food! I have to work today (which really sucks). And- my face is swollen cause something bit me right under my eye last night when I was sleeping. Every time I look down I see a big lump and it hurts and itches (lovely). BUT-  I am thankful for my sweet Jesus who has had the mercy to save ME. Little old (not really old lol) me who has done nothing for Him, who often forgets to treat Him like the friend He is, who does not always trust him with my whole heart like I should. Thank you Jesus. I am so very thankful that I have a supportive family. Today I thought I would be at home holding my baby boy and passing him around to show him off to relatives but today is lonely day. I will be at work with one other person with no son at home waiting for me. Im sad yes, but I still have a wonderful family who has been there for me always, and especially in the last two months. I am thankful for my friends. It seems like they are few but I am thankful. What would I do if I didnt have other people around to just get away and have fun with? Im thankful for the food I have. There are so many who go without. Im thankful for the roof over my head and the clothes I wear. I literally weep in the car every time I see a homeless person on my way to work. I cant imagine trying to fight off people and animals, the dark cold nights, and the sunny hot days. I don’t have to do any of that. I am thankful.  I am thankful for the things that I have to enjoy myself. Crocheting, art, singing, my car, my job. Things God provided to keep me busy. Thank you Lord.

The last few days I’ve been sick, I sill am today. I just feel yucky and snotty and all gucked up (thats not a real word, its just how I feel lol). I havnt written because of this. A couple of days ago I went into Seths room.

Its a mess but I dont want to do anything with it. It was nice and clean but when I came home from the hospital everyone shoved stuff in it to keep me from seeing it (I understand). It still smells like baby from the wipes and dreft. Sometimes I go in there just to look through things. I miss the excitement of going through the baby stuff and now I cant do that.

This is what we got from the hospital it was nice. I just need to see it  sometimes.

Miss you Seth.

I bought more crocheting stuff.

Im gonna try and learn patterns, in between all of the other junk Im trying to get done lol.

Happy thanksgiving.

First Crochet Project

I have to blog NOW! :D….

I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.

You do not even know how excited I am lol.

*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.

So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.

Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…

I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.

Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that.  I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).

I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.

When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow
when I’m empty and alone 
I turn to you

When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark 
I turn to you

and here in your holy presence its all that i can do

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.

For the faith to move ahead. 
and to let go of the past.

To see me as you do. 
I turn to you. and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts

I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord

When I’m weak I will follow. 
In your arms I will stay. 
Will you lead me’ 
only you can save. 

I turn to you Jesus 
I turn to you.

Fear not… You are God alone

For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..

Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.

What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.

I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.

Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.

What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.

I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.

This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.

Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…

Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!

Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.

And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.

Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.

I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.

So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.

* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.

Amen*

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That’s what You are