In the past two months… and two days, my life has been spun around, rung out, and whipped up more than ever. What hurts the most is that I hear and see people every day who are so “christian-like” but have NO desire to give mercy or grace? Didnt Christ do it for you. Where would you be if you made 1 stupid mistake and that was it, He just left you. You would have no life and no chance. Seriously. How many times have you disappointed God? (a billion) ok… how many times has he forgiven you? (all). How many times has someone hurt you? (once). How many times have you forgiven that person and realized we are humans who make mistakes and learn from them (none)…. < this is why people are turned off to christianity… Why should people follow other people who do not walk the talk… It makes me burn. I am so mad. I want to burn up everything I own and leave. Live under a bridge. Be free of all responsibility and have nothing but my husband and my soul. I hurt for people who hurt. For people who are broken, I cry for you. God has given me such a sensitive heart. Its good but its burdensome. I want to free people from their bondage and I cant. I want to beat up bullies who put other people down, but I cant.
Im just so angry. For the first time ever, I cannot blog about what I need to because its embarrassing. All I can say is Im so angry. Im so upset. I learned today that people let you down. People you love. I have everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. I will just be up all night. My skin is crawling, the itching is worse. I took the steroids today because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. For the first time in a while I just truly would not care if all of my belongings burned up and God took me up. Its quiet here. I just hurt. My body aches. Like I have said before, stillbirth changes people and sometimes its not for the better. If the cemetery was open I would lay on the ground and pound my fist and scream and sleep there on the ground. My eyes burn. I only stop hyperventilating when I cry. I feel like I have no men left in my life. Dad, Seth…. How am I going to do this. My head is pounding. I dont want to go to work this week but no one will pay the bills if I dont.Im not going to sleep tonight, its just been one of the hardest weeks Ive had. I guess Ill crochet tonight.
I went to Seth’s grave yesterday to deorate a little. Its just pitiful looking with no headstone yet.
Those are solar lights (the red and white striped things)….
Seth baby, I just need to you give momma a little extra push. I really need you here to hold and cry on me and pass you around. I am really alone and my head hurts so bad. Lets just wake up from this bad dream. The days are never getting easier.
[The singing went fine on Sunday. Im very hard on myself and I dont think I did good but everyone said I did. I would post a video but Im that self conscious.]
I need some relief God, PLEASE IM BEGGING, stop taking people away from me, stop interrupting life. I will take a normal boring life, Ive said it before, IM REALLY OK with that. I cant stand being alone and feeling this messed up. I feel like someone beat me up (dont worry no one did).Please just give me a break, let me take a breather before you slam me with something else again.
This is my third post about singing today so I bet you can tell its geting to me.
Besides my beautiful sister who will always be my best friend (and whom Im lucky to have and I love with all of my heart), I am lucky to have met another wonderful friend. Id say at least 7 years ago, cause I know I knew her in 8th grade. Kayla- you encourage me so much. You know exactly what to say. God has used you and your spiritual maturity to bless me. Even though you have not been through some of the “adult” situations that I have- you always know what to say and do for those situations and why is it? Because you follow God and listen to His voice. God will and is using you. Thank you for thinking of me this morning as I’m trying to get myself together. I want to sing with passion and clear and unafraid and bring people closer to the Lord. She sent me these verses:
Isaiah 25:1
1 LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.
and
Isaiah 43:2-4
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
and
Isaiah 41:1
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Thank you Kayla for being such a good friend and encouraging by faith. God has gifted you with such positivity and encouragement. These verses are exactly what I need, I need to live them out by faith.
I would be a fool to say I’m not nervous about singing on Sunday. It’s weird. I have no fear of acting on stage but I just have the hardest time taking my mind somewhere else when I sing.I’m shaking, have an upset stomach and my nerves are shot but in order to do well, you have to tell yourself that you are good. Here it goes. I better do it now cause I only have one full day left before its D-day.
I can do this. I’m a good singer. I have the range to successfully do this song without being nervous. My voice won’t crack. My nerves wont make me a wreck. I will not shake. I will have complete control of my breathing. I will not be uncomfortable. I will not focus on all the people in the audience. I will worship to God. Everyone wants me to do well. There is no competition. I will be fine and have enough support. There is nothing to be scared of. I’m doing what I enjoy doing best. Singing. I will not be afraid and I will use the right dynamics. Im going to close my eyes, stand tall and let go of my voice and let it do what it does best. The crowd wont stare or care whether or not I do well.
There is NOTHING to be nervous about. This is just an expression of a hobby of mine. Everyone knows the song already and they are probably going to sing along anyways…..
(ok, I said it, NOW I need to BELIEVE it… FAST lol)
Your mindset has to do with getting rid of anxious thoughts about your life, about what people will think, about how you will sound and simply listen to the music inside of you.
What you believe about yourself will cause you to panic or pull it together and that all starts way before you get up to sing. It starts with a silent place inside of you, that place that makes you want to sing. Remember that singing is natural. The thing that happens that is unnatural is how we let everyone else’s opinion mess us up inside.
Think about what it was like to sing when you were a child, before anyone ever said anything unkind to you about your singing. Did you care what anyone thought? No, of course not. You only cared after someone messed with your head. So now you have to undo that junk and get the right kind of singing mindset inside of you.
So, when you sing, don’t think about what everyone else is thinking. Think about your singing breath, think about relaxing your shoulders, focus on a “tunnel” in front of you to send your breath through, focus on how singing makes you feel good, how much you enjoy singing, how you LOVE singing.
Forget about everything else and just focus on singing!
I really need to practice believing in myself and just focusing on the fact that I like to sing, I should not let others people’s opinions scare me out of it. Why should they get to steal that joy from me?
Today is almost every American’s favorite holiday- Thanksgiving (YAY). Food, family, and more food! I have to work today (which really sucks). And- my face is swollen cause something bit me right under my eye last night when I was sleeping. Every time I look down I see a big lump and it hurts and itches (lovely). BUT- I am thankful for my sweet Jesus who has had the mercy to save ME. Little old (not really old lol) me who has done nothing for Him, who often forgets to treat Him like the friend He is, who does not always trust him with my whole heart like I should. Thank you Jesus. I am so very thankful that I have a supportive family. Today I thought I would be at home holding my baby boy and passing him around to show him off to relatives but today is lonely day. I will be at work with one other person with no son at home waiting for me. Im sad yes, but I still have a wonderful family who has been there for me always, and especially in the last two months. I am thankful for my friends. It seems like they are few but I am thankful. What would I do if I didnt have other people around to just get away and have fun with? Im thankful for the food I have. There are so many who go without. Im thankful for the roof over my head and the clothes I wear. I literally weep in the car every time I see a homeless person on my way to work. I cant imagine trying to fight off people and animals, the dark cold nights, and the sunny hot days. I don’t have to do any of that. I am thankful. I am thankful for the things that I have to enjoy myself. Crocheting, art, singing, my car, my job. Things God provided to keep me busy. Thank you Lord.
The last few days I’ve been sick, I sill am today. I just feel yucky and snotty and all gucked up (thats not a real word, its just how I feel lol). I havnt written because of this. A couple of days ago I went into Seths room.
Its a mess but I dont want to do anything with it. It was nice and clean but when I came home from the hospital everyone shoved stuff in it to keep me from seeing it (I understand). It still smells like baby from the wipes and dreft. Sometimes I go in there just to look through things. I miss the excitement of going through the baby stuff and now I cant do that.
This is what we got from the hospital it was nice. I just need to see it sometimes.
Miss you Seth.
I bought more crocheting stuff.
Im gonna try and learn patterns, in between all of the other junk Im trying to get done lol.
I FINISHED MY FIRST CROCHET PROJECT EVER!!! YAY! This is so exciting to say that I made something – WOOT! Here is the final scarf, like I said- I’m going to give it to Steven’s little cousin who’s 5, I hope she likes it lol.
You do not even know how excited I am lol.
*sigh*… pretty pathetic but I love it <3.
So today went by pretty fast. Work was pretty steady so that was nice (and the doctors were in a good mood in the ER tonight so that made things even better). I did an EKG on a young lady tonight and she said she had stomach pain. Her and her significant other sat there awkward and quietly as I continued and all of a sudden the young man burst out in a slightly fearful tone “shes 11 weeks pregnant, will this harm the baby”. I replied “no, but it’s always good to ask, don’t be afraid to even question the doctor”…. The room got quiet and when I was done and cleaning up I just wanted to comfort her, I know she was scared. I said “11 weeks huh? That’s exciting… It will be great”. She replied shyly “Yea, thanks”… I’m sure she was ok.
Later in the office I was editing some read EKG’s and my stomach twitched, it was the EXACT same feeling as the baby kicking. I smiled for a second and thought, “he’s kicking!”… and then sighed… I forgot for a small moment that I’m not pregnant anymore. Two months later and I still sometimes forget…
I am starting to get a sore throat, I hope it goes away really fast cause I have to sing in a couple of weeks. Who likes to be sick… maybe its the change in air, its starting to get a little dry.
Tomorrow I’m going to have lunch with my friend (Erin) from high school. I miss her so much :). She better move back here whenever she finishes college cause its not fun being so far away! Im pretty excited about that. I’m also excited that Steven is coming home early this week from work because they just have a little bit left. :).
I better do some homework, I have a lot this week and I feel a head cold coming on ugh.
❤
When I am far away from home
and the cold wind starts to blow when I’m empty and alone I turn to you
When there’s hardness in my heart
and i cannot see truth
and i’m wandering in the dark I turn to you
and here in your holy presence its all that i can do
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
For the youth when I am old
For the strength when I am weak
For the warmth when I am cold
I turn to you.
For the faith to move ahead. and to let go of the past.
To see me as you do. I turn to you. and here in your holy presence
Its all that I can do.I turn to you Jesus
I turn you LordFor you alone are worthy the one and only God the ruler of the nations and the father of our hearts
I turn to you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
I turn to you you you you Jesus
I turn to you Lord
When I’m weak I will follow. In your arms I will stay. Will you lead me’ only you can save.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind…..
Today was Sunday of course. We went to church. After the choir sang worship the kids group came up and sang a thanksgiving song and right before they sang the little kids walked up and said what they were thankful for. One little boy walked up and slurred out “I’m thankful for my family”. Steven burst into tears. I could not help it, I just bawled. I am thankful that my husband does express his emotions, especially because he does not do it a lot. He left halfway through the kid’s song and I met him in the foyer after we did the choir special. We eventually made our way back into the service.
What drives you… What inspires you… What makes you wonder, think, what is on your mind most of the time.
I have found that fear is. It’s so unfortunate. I am drowning in fear and anxiety. I fear that these stabbing pains and itching is something worse than what I think, I fear that I will pass away without someone by my side, I fear Steven will get hurt while he’s out working during the week, I fear getting pregnant, I fear having another baby, I fear not having enough money, (this one is irrational ->) I fear not having enough food and water. I REALLY fear SINGING in front of other people. Its like public speaking for me but worse, I don’t have any idea why.
Tonight in choir practice I laid my fear aside and sang the solo that I was given but I was still shaking and I was not in front of hundreds of people or holding a microphone or standing. I just sat in the corner all slumped over and closed my eyes and worshiped. It was the best and most true worship I’ve had in a long time and it felt good. BUT, I’m still terrified to sing in front of all those people with a mic and standing in a couple weeks.
What is there to be so afraid of? I don’t understand why I let this literally suck me up and suffocate me. I just feel anxious. I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to be one of those crazy people who has to sit and tell a doctor everything I feel so they can suppress my emotions and turn me into a zombie. I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be like everyone else who can control their own anxious feelings.
I love school and work and church and choir and crocheting and reading and drawing and painting… *phew* I wish I had enough time to really enjoy them all thoroughly though :(.
This week comes one of the most loved American Holidays! THANKSGIVING. I’m so sad that I have to work 2-10pm. I don’t think I’ve EVER worked on thanksgiving :(. Oh well… I took it so I could have Christmas off. I LOVE thanksgiving food! I’ll miss all of my family in LaBelle. Christmas though, We will be there.
Speaking of Christmas, here’s the tree I helped Krista put up, she did the lights though.
Its kind of funny in reality that we put trees inside of our houses for Christmas…
Here is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree she found at home depot I think it was, anywho- Its CUTE!
Ugh I love it, brings back all of those childhood Christmas show memories.
And then there is the scarf I crocheted. My FIRST REAL project finished lol. Ok, its REALLY small so I’m giving it to a 5 year old because maybe she’ll appreciate the shortness of it lol.
Im working on putting a flower on the bottom of it now :). Heres the video that I’m watching.
I checked out my new classes work a few minutes ago- WHOA its a ton of work and its going to be a loaded class but I’m hoping I breeze through it. Ill start on the work tomorrow I want to relax tonight.
So Its been a long crazy day. I am just going to relax, crochet, and enjoy my beautiful husbands presence before he leaves for work tomorrow :(. I have to work ALL week (besides Tuesday) and ALL weekend so its going to be a long week. I miss that man already and he’s not even gone yet. I am feeling a little bit better tonight than I was earlier today. I hope it stays around. Im just going to try and keep a worshipful mind and stay calm.
* And dear Lord, I know your not a soda machine, so I’m asking this as humbly as I can. Can you make me feel better and help us get everything worked out financially fast so we can have a baby. I miss my boy Seth and Steven wants to “be stable” and “ready” before the next one… if you even allow us to have another.
Amen*
You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man You are not a God In need of anything we can give By Your plan, that’s just the way it is
[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone
You’re the only God
Whose power none can contend
You’re the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You’re the only God
Who’s worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that’s just the way it is
[chorus]
[bridge] Unchangeable Unshakable Unstoppable That’s what You are
Tonight Im making this short and sweet because I am going to lay down and sleep so I can forget all of this mess that I am feeling. I want to cry. I have extreme itching all over my body (with no rash) and aches all over. I have no physical rash but I just itch all over and NOTHING helps it. I just want to rip my skin off. Its making me paranoid and I cant stand it. I want to know why I have been itching for all of these weeks and same with these pains Im getting all over. I get insurance in February, ugh it seems soooo far away, I just want to go to the doctor now. I hate insurance and doctors and giant medical bills, I just want to know.
Please dear Lord, take away this itching and these pains I have. My skin is starting to become raw and Im just plain tired. I just want to cry, please take it away.
…. I crocheted a little kids scarf, finally did it. I helpe krista put up the christmas tree today too. Ill post pictures later I am itching so bad that I cant even type.
I dont know why I thought this would be easier. Im a mess. I looked awful today. My face is swollen and my eyes are red with black bags under them. I’ve probably lost a whole week of sleep in these past two weeks.
Of course I started my period today, The day before Seth’s “supposed to be birthday”. An ugly reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. I’m not a mom anymore. I feel so sick. I feel so emotional. I have an upset stomach and I’m not hungry at all.
I’ve been angry. Steven is working out of town of course and he keeps leading me on that he is coming home and then doesn’t show up, he all of a sudden finds more work. Its nice, we need the work and income but I’m dying. I want to be a normal husband and wife where we get to see each other every night . I want to see him every day. I want to sleep in the same room, not 300 miles away. I want to go on vacations together. I want to work on having another kid, that will NEVER happen with him working out of town. I have this fear that we just wont have kids…. Im just so angry at him. I just feel like nothing is working in my favor.
I should not complain. I have so much to be grateful for. Its just so hard when this day is here tomorrow and I will be all by myself, and then go to a wedding at which I will cry because I’m already emotional. I just want to lay in bed tomorrow.
Will my life ever get normal God? Im ok with a normal boring life, thats ok really, it is!
I miss being a teenager, I miss dating Steven, I miss having bonfires on cool nights, I miss being pregnant.
Nothing is going to make me feel better tonight and tomorrow.
Dear Seth Andrew Copeland,
You were so beautiful on your birthday. There were so many people there that loved you. As emotionally painful as it was I would trade everything to relive that day that I got to have you and hold you. I am in a lot more pain today than I have ever been in this last month and a half. You were a big boy. You had your daddy’s olive skin. You were tall and had your moms awkwardly long fingers and toes.
Your head was perfectly round and beautiful, just right for the shape and size of your body. Your skin was soft, your hands were tiny.. I wanted to see your eyes. I cry because of what I never had. I had all these dreams for you. I dreamed of you playing in the back yard. I dreamed you were a mommas boy who loved to get dirty like your dad. I dreamed you would build rock castles in the gravel in the yard. I dreamed you would ride the tractor with daddy and work on his truck. I dreamed you would make motor noises like your dad. I dreamed you would love school like your momma. I dreamed you would have that nice healthy dark hair. I just wanted to watch you grow up. I wanted you to run to mommy for all of your boo boo’s. I wanted you to confide in me with all of your silly childhood secrets. I wanted to watch you graduate and get married and have children. I thought of these things many months before I ever met you. You were on my mind from the time I saw that digital “pregnant” reading on that stick in the bathroom sink. I heard friends stories of having their babies and I couldn’t wait! I don’t like being this kind of mom. God knew you when he knit you together and He had a plan for you. I kept a journal for you to have when you got older. Every so often during my pregnancy I wrote you a letter about all my symptoms and your moves and my thoughts. I’m sure I threw it away when I came home from the hospital. Dad looked so amazed by you, I loved watching him hold you. His eyes and heart were so big as he bundled you up and looked at your sleeping face.You were dressed in a blue monkey outfit. Its funny I was just talking that week about how I didnt like monkeys but yet I had bought you a jungle themed crib set with monkey things in the room lol. You know if you ever wanted to come back, mommy would take you, I would say sorry for not fixing this awful boo boo before I did. Happy birthday my baby boy.
I should be sleeping because I have to wake up at 4AM for work and I have a throbbing headache but, I want to blog, makes me feel better.
Im SOOOOO TIRED. Cant wait to have off this weekend, its such a pleasant thing- weekends off.
I went to see you today son.
It was so beautiful outside. I slowly walked up to your grave. I looked around. I collapsed on the ground and cried, begged for you. I wept with all my heart for 45 minutes straight. I sat in the dirt with my scrubs on and wiped my face with dirt smudging across it. WHY? Why didnt I pray harder? Why didnt I trust that you could be brought back? Why didnt I plea with God? Why did I just accept what the doctors told me? Why didnt I ask for a miracle? Why didnt I take initiative with my midwife when I felt like something was wrong? Why did I wait so long? I want to hold you, rock you to sleep… I want you in MY arms. I finally realized there on the dirty ground, another baby is not going to fix my pain. I will not feel any better. This will last with me forever. I will have to tell my children to come about their oldest brother. How he went to be with Jesus before I met him. I just laid my head down there at that grave and sobbed. I looked up, face swollen and red, I could barely see. I saw across the field – a mother with her boys holding hands, one about 10 years old, one about 5. The mother bent down and was neatly placing flowers on the grave at her feet. I sobbed even harder, I probably scared the boys. WHY? Why is life so full of death. Why is it so painful to us but so joyful to you Lord?
I decided to go back to choir and just join and stay. I left a couple of years ago because I got busy. Its where I need to be. (maybe not solos, but with the choir as a whole lol). It was nice to be back. At the end someone came in and said two boys who were in youth group got in a major accident tonight and were airlifted to the hospital, the girl in the other car died. WHY? Why must more parents hear bad news about their children? Why God, why do you take our children? Why do you give us this desire to live for our children and then take them?
I trust God, I love God, I know this is His will and plan, Its just hard. Im a normal person with normal feelings. I hate it. I hate seeing my sons pictures but I couldnt live without them. I miss him more and more everyday. I want a child. I want to love, give, care, be apart of something more than me. I want it, I need it.
Yes I smile when Im out in public, and I most of the time and normal and happy but when Im alone, all I think about is him. Son, you are on my mind day and night and I dream of being pregnant and feeling you. I miss you. Its not easy. Oh Lord, its not easy. I just need something, someone bigger than me. I see you God, youre working every day but I need help. Can you help me? Can you hear me? I’m miserable. My body and mind and soul are tired. Can you take care of me? Can you heal me? Can you show me your word, your desire? Can you lead me to a true mentor? Can you? Im tired. I cant make it on my own. I know youre there. I know you hear me. I know you hold me.
My son…. nothing will bring you back. You are in that cold ground while I’m stupidly sobbing all over my keyboard. STOP IT… STOP IT. Please come back. I need you so bad. I still have your crib set up, I still have your sheets washed, I still have your bottles ready. Im so mad at you. Youre never going to use them. Youre never going to visit me. Youre never going to take care of me when Im old. Im so mad at you. I just want you to go away. I want to wake up. This is a nightmare isnt it?
Your due date was this Friday, can you not remind me? Can you just sit with Jesus and have fun and forget about me, I dont want to think anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore.
Just when I think its over, you come back and remind me youre gone….
wonderful, glorious,holy, righteous, victorious, conqueror, triumphant, mighty healer, deliverer, shield, defense, strong tower, my best friend, omnipotent, omnipresent, soon coming king, alpha, omega, Lord of everything.
Too Beautiful For Earth 