Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

 

I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

 

It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

Day off, side pain, crochet

Today is my day off and Im happy about that of course. I am still beyond exhausted, eyes burning, and body limp but its ok.

I am spending today crocheting ( I have a couple of paid projets that I NEED to get done). I also need to make dinner (something I havnt done in like 6 months… sad).

Before I started I want to write about the pregnany of course. (I feel the need to write all of this down so I remember next time and dont feel crazy for feeling something.)

I have this excruciating pain on my right side that stretches around from my back to the top of my stomach. Sitting hurts, laying down hurts…. I guess its just a part of pregnancy and I’m not all that concerned about it but it reminds me exactly of what back labor felt like when I started to back labor with Seth (except this is not running down my leg).  I have been having a lot of cramping in the last 3 days, and a lot of back pain. It does slightly scare me because my doctor said it could be a possibility that I go into early labor since it was only a year ago that I went into labor early with Seth and my uterus will do what it was used to experiencing. So now when I get cramps and back pain, my mind slightly panics because it brings back the exact feelings of labor last time.

Being pregnant for some women is easy (not easy with symptoms). Easy as in they have nothing to worry about their whole pregnancy so when they have things happen to them they just can assume that its normal pregnancy. I on the other hand think of all the things that could be going wrong, trying to keep in mind all of the signs that doctors have thrown at me.

I want to enjoy my pregnancy without having to keep track of ‘signs’. Keeping track of every little feeling makes for a much more stressful time. Dont take it for granted- the ease of getting pregnant, the ease of carrying a baby. The ease of having a healthy baby whenever you can.

Have a good day, going to get my crochet on.

Stay safe rainbow ❤

P.s.-  this is a picture of a 20week baby in the womb (I’ll be 20 weeks in 2 days)…. I cant believe my little girl is so big !?

New things

The past few days the babys kicks are getting a lot harder and becoming more frequent. Its WONDERFUL! I love the feeling (Im 19 weeks 2 days today) .

The only thing is I have been getting awful braxton hicks. They make my tummy harden and it hurts for a good few minutes about 5-10 times a day. I did not really get an braxtons last time.

I am just so happy that Im starting to feel my sweet baby now, its the best feeling ever,

I feel really guilty about today but I just have been feeling weird. I spent a lot of money. I really want to save money right now but 1. I am baby nesting, 2. I want to craft. The problem: we have no space.

I bought quilting supplies because someone is teaching me to quilt and Im make a quilt for the baby… that was expensive. I bought  6 baby hats, 2 soft/bumpy changing table covers, 4 hand mittens, and 5 childrens CD’s, all for $20 (that wasnt a bad buy).  And I had to buy 2 work scrub shirts because of course the hospital is going into a stupid color change where every department wheres a specific color- it SUCKS (2 scrub tops were $43- THATS REDICULOUS- I dont even spend that much on regular clothes!)

I reallly really really really (did I say really) – wish that we had AT LEAST a 2 bedroom place. Right now we have the crib set up where our dining room table used to be (which we had to get rid of to move the crib in) , and we have the changing table in the living room. We have to get rid of the coffee table so we have enough room but Im so upset that I have NO tables- where am I supposed to sew???? :'(. I just wish I had a place to do me things and have a space for the baby. I feel depressed like Im in a rut. We can never get a place as long as Im making as little as Im making and as long as Steven is not making a definite paycheck every week. Working contracts is a NIGHTMARE because we dont know how our future is going to unfold.

Maybe thats why I went shopping honestly, because I just feel stuck sometimes and guilty. I want to have a wonderful home for our child and enough space to feel comfortable and call our own but unfortunately, Steven doesn’t have a normal job. I really want to support him but come January when the baby comes- were gonna have to make some decisions about how we are living.

Cant wait to see this baby and just forget about everything else. I cant wait to finish this quilt. I really do enjoy quilting, I just need somewhere to do it not besides my friends’ houses . I cant wait to see what it looks like finished :D.

anyways, now that Ive done nothing today I should get going ❤

Cupcakes and friends

I wrote a post earlier, which I deleted. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I was very anxious when I wrote it. I am still feeling very anxious but I want to speak out some good truths because its what I mentally need. I am having a rough night because Im feeling funny and Steven is gone, I miss him so dearly when he is working so far away.

Good things that happened today- I got to see some friends. Even though we all live 30-60 minutes away from each other, we all come together every once in a while and its such a great time!

I made  cupcakes for the first time ever! Heck it was the first time I have ever baked (and it was all from scratch) and they were amazing!!! they were smores cupcakes and DELICIOUS!

I sold a baby hat that I made, it was at a whim using some new yarn, techniques, and my own pattern from inspiration of a very expensive hat on etsy.

I have time to relax to myself tonight, I may crochet, Ive been making swiffer covers, these bobble stitches are soooo awesome and fun to feel, it would be cool to make a soft baby blanket with this stitch.

I have some anxiety starting this new week but Im ready to get through it because next Monday I have an ultrasound and I find out what the baby is!

Im gonna watch some tv for a bit… 🙂 night

Baby talk and crochet stock

I just cant wait. I am always so anxious about how the baby is doing. Its hard in these early months, you just have no clue what is going on besides your stomach growing like an elephant. Looking back at my old pictures of my pregnancy with Seth, I am now the size that I was when I was 22 weeks with him … but right now Im only 15… Its almost embarrassing but- I havnt gained more than 2 pounds, my stomach is just pushing outwards, the gas has finally gone away lol, now I just deal with peeing on myself….. very sad… but I totally feel the baby bouncing right on top of my now flattened bladder and even when I dont have to use the potty- I do.  I am just beyond excited to have a baby here and I am so impatient.

I am finally trying to get all my crochet stuff going. My goal is to raise enough money for my 3D ultrasound for the family to see and then if I make more than that I want to give it to my husband to build a buggy that he really wants. He has done a lot for me and has given up a lot of his man projects since we have gotten married so that he can provide and give me what I want so I really hope to make enough to be worth it for him.  Im just excited that I get to crochet :).

Tonight I have the ER- wish me luck, I hope its an easy night with good Doctors because I have a sinus infection and I feel like my head is going to explode, its hard to just breathe.

Hello second trimester

Its Friday (and 14 weeks) thank God!!! Now I just have to get to work and finish out at 10pm lol. Tonight I have the ER :/… I am happy about staying busy, not happy about being on my feet all night. I was on my feet a lot last night and when I came home my legs were swollen and throbbing (but my blood pressure is fine, its even just a tad tad low) and when I woke up at 5 AM to use the potty they were still throbbing. Oh… and of course the headaches are in full swing now. I thought I was getting away with no headaches with this pregnancy. I remember telling someone during my last pregnancy- These headaches last all day and nothing helps them, its just a 24/7 thing.

Anywho…  next month we get to find out what the little one is (as in gender lol, not alien vs. human). Exciting…

This weekend I think Steven is going out with a friend, he invited me and I want to go but I think Ill let him have some man time. Maybe Ill stay home and finish sewing the dress that I started so I can wear it on Sunday 🙂 and then maybe make an apron (that Ill never cook with lol) because I have nothing else to do… of course I will do all of that after I clean hehe.

okay, Im just delaying getting ready because I am lazy so I must go.

Stay safe rainbow.

Thank Goodness

Things are getting back to normal. I am functioning at normal pregnancy speed (which isnt fast but wayyyy faster than ear infection speed). The infection is still there but my ear is not throbbing and I can eat. Now all I have to do is get my hearing back and get rid of the little bit of soreness and itching– YAY- I dont feel like death anymore!

On another note, today is the day that ALL women have been waiting for. MAGIC MIKE is in theaters TODAY YAYYYYY! Ok, Im showing my youth off (lol) but I first saw Channing Tatum in the movies on my 16th birthday when the girls from church took me to see Step Up… It was LOVE at first sight! lol. Ok, at least on my end. Ever since then I have watched almost every movie that he has ever been in and I LOVE him. I have to admit, hes not the best actor, but hes the hottest one! Sooo… yeah, after work, me + Mike = heaven. Cant wait!

Steven has been in a grumpy mood so Ive been ignoring him lol, thats always fun, but at least it keeps me from getting in a grumpy mood. He’ll come out of it, Im sure he’s stressed. I miss spending time with him but with our work schedules the only time we see each other is when his sleep talk (or mine) wakes each other up at night. sad… He wakes up early and has odd jobs to do (while Im sleeping) and I come home at 11pm and he’s in bed.

I vow to thread my sewing machine today. I wish I had a little hologram that could sit next to me and tell me what to do. Once I thread the machine, I have NO CLUE what to do next ????? It has been 11 years since Ive looked at a sewing machine :(. I WILL conquer this like I did crocheting because I want to make cool things. I think this is a cool and an easy first project and Im excited.

I got the pattern here from pinterest. Its an owl rice pack!

http://justanotherhangup.blogspot.com/2011/02/love-birds-or-rice-filled-heating-pads.html

It looks sooo awesome! successfully completing this will help me feel more comfortable doing bigger things. My goal is to make some sundresses for my pregnancy (since they are sooooo friggin expensive). I bought the pattern for the sundresses online, it should be coming through the mail in a few days, heres the dresses that I cant wait to make (the long ones, keep in mind you can change the tops to match whatever bottom length you want)

WOOT. :)…

enough excitement for one day,

OH AND its the weekend!

later gators.

-Stay safe Rainbow

Heres to another morning (sickness)

I think I did well on my physics midterm!Ill find out this morning, if I ever get there. i have 20 minutes till I have to leave and I cant get up, UGH. I am trying so hard to eat but Im just pushing my food around like a child. Im starving but the smell and taste of anything, I gag at just seeing it. I have been just looking at my food crying for ten minutes. sooo hungry.

Im glad I have today off, although I have to clean, grocery shop, and study…. at least I can do it on my own time after school today cause I just feel like throwing up all over.

Stay Safe Rainbow.

P.S.- I took in all of the boxes, blankets and hats that we made for the hospital stillbirths and the nurses loved them they were so greatful. They said that everyone forgets about their mom and baby unit (at the hospital I work at) because most people send their donations to the childrens hospital in town. It felt so good to do something good and the nurses were beyond excited, their faces lit up and she kept saying, you dont know what it means to these women to have these. To avoid my crying hormones, I smiled and said, … I know. and turned around and walked away as they scrummaged through their goodies. Thank God for such a compassionate heart.

Those days

… Those days when your heart feels like mush…. today. I have a good friend who had a baby today. and a cousin who had a baby a couple of days ago.. of course its everywhere. Im happy for them, but Im not happy for me. Its especially hard when the friend who had a baby (who is at the same hospital that you work at) isnt that close with you anymore but of course wants to share pictures and whatever- that can just bring on more anger. I just feel slightly defeated. I have to get over it. Im not angry/mad/throwing a fit… just, … sad.

Ive been crocheting my brains out to make myself feel better, heres what I got… all baby/ photo prop items. (my next project is a purse).

yeah so… thats about it.

I start physics in exactly one week and Im a nervous wreck

my thoughts are…..

*How am I going to handle 9-1 school/2-10 work, and fit homework in? How am I going to get through a whole physics text book in 1 month and actually understand it? How am I going to have time for myself or my husband or cleaning or cooking…? How am I going to sleep?

I know I just have to do it, just really scary, its the hardest class and the dean has already spoken to us and told us, 1/4 of each physics class fails every month. AGHHH :(. I dont want to fail cause this class cost me about $2000. :O

Until them, Im going to keep crocheting. and trying to mentally prepare myself.