A Growing Girl.

You can tell when I come back to my blog and when I need it because I write like a maniac about how I can’t keep going lol.

School is getting more intense. I am now in my acoustic physics class and DYING to pass this so I can get on with everything. The book work surprisingly comes way easier than the scanning, but all in time, scanning can be learned.

Above all, I love my daughter more than scho0l. I wish I could spend time with her but I really want to finish this so I can support her with everything she could ever want. When I look at her she melts my heart. She is so cute and so lovable. Im already getting sad that she is getting bigger and wants me to hold her less. I just want to squeeze her all day long (even if she does puke or poop all over me).

Father’s day was fine until today. I sort of broke down a little after class, on my way to work.  I of course miss my daddy. You see all over facebook pictures of people’s dad’s. I wish I could see him again and have him hold Brea…

I miss Seth. Seth is the little man who first made my husband and I parents. He is the little guy who made our worlds, made us happy, made us cry, made us who we are.  He led me down this path of ultrasound. He gave me hope to move on with my future even when it seemed like nothing else was going to work for me. This month Brea will be 6 months. Seth would have been 21 months… Almost 2 years old. My little boy who I desperately wanted first…. I cannot believe it… Two years, where did the time go? it seems like just yesterday my life changed.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant, it was a scary moment. Soon after that, it was the best moment. Ill never forget the 8 long months that I knew my son, it was the best 8 puking months of my life!

If you wonder how I am getting through physics or how I am getting through this awful school load and work and baby managing… it is because of my son (and daughter), mom, and dad. These people gave me a reason to live. Gave me a reason to keep going. I just want to do something to make a difference in people’s lives, and most importantly- I want to do this because I want to remember Seth. I want to remember and relive every second I had with him…

No one knows until they have lived it. They think scanning is all fun and games till you experience real life. They think life is all fun and games until they experience moments…. Moments that change your life. That moment when a complete turn around happens in your mind. If you dont make the turn around positive, It will consume you with an awful depression.

Of course I still get upset when people yell at me or get disappointed in me, mostly because of what I have gone through, I just dont want to feel hurt anymore. I have learned to get over it and try to move on. I must make myself happy and do the right thing.

I guess I figured if I could not get encouragement at this moment for this class then I wanted to make it on my own and remind myself why I am doing this.

This is my encouragement. This is my love . <3.

besides all of my ranting— about Brea

-she can babble to anyone for hours. She grabs her feet all of the time. She scratches everything all of the time (bed, skin, shirts… idk it is weird). She tries so hard to crawl but cant. She holds her bottle till it falls out of her hand lol. She can sit up with support, almost by herself. She knows when  she is talking to mamma. She can scoot out of her chair and onto the floor. She has 2 animal blanket rattle things lol, a monkey and zebra- she LOVES those things. She loves her sing-a-ma-jigs, she laughs when they sing and she tries to eat their noses. She pushes away from me when I hold her except when she is tired first thing in the morning or sick. She hugs me when she is tired. She always welcomes kisses with an open mouth :). She is getting some meat on her and is sooo beautiful.

I love this girl :D.

Uncharted territory, 34 weeks

Well, We have come to 34 weeks, about the time that I had Seth in September of 2011. From here on out, this is all new to me. The bigger baby, the heavier feeling. It is all very welcome but I am ready to have this baby. Im ready to meet my daugther. I went to my specialist today. He said that everything is looking good but my blood pressure is still borderline at home. I just have to keep taking it daily and all. I asked about the baby’s weight. I am a little concerned because well- the baby is almost 6 pounds!!!! HOLY MOLY. Ok, so shes exactly 5lbs 10 oz to be exact and is 18 in long. Seth was born at 34 weeks and weighed 5 lbs exactly and was 19.5 in long. So The doctor said that she will probably be on the big side of the average scale (shes running in the 80th percentile) but in a way it is good news. HOW?? (a freaked out mother like me would ask lol), he said that usually hypertension causes a baby to be small so at least we know that my blood pressure is not effecting the baby because she is a little large. To that I replied- so what kind of weight are we looking at here?  The doc said that he does not want me to go past 39 weeks (Im measuring a week ahead anyways) so if they schedule me to have the baby between 38 and 39 weeks he’s guesstimating a baby around 8.5 pounds…. (!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT???) lol… I guess it sounds scary but it is only scary because this is really happening, Im so close and Im really going to have a baby :D.  Ill be 38 weks on Dec. 28th and it is my goal to have this baby no later than the 30th lol… Ill be doing all kinds of jumping jacks and squatting and walking. I cant wait- Im 4 weeks away from having this baby (most likely). It would be cute to have a Christmas baby but honestly- I want to enjoy my Christmas food- ugh I cant wait, it just sounds so good thinking about it (the food). Man all of this baby day dreaming is getting me all crazy :).

Wow I have so much to do! washing, fixing the baby’s room up, baby shower…. Speaking of, I am having my baby shower on Saturday. I was not excited until today. (this may get confusing) I work at a hospital, all of our local hospitals (4 of them) are owned by the same company, I work at a central/south location. Well today I went to the main campus downtown (where my mother in law works) because one of the cardiologists was having a baby shower and I made her a little owl security blanket and got her a few gifts. (I freakin love this doctor she is sooooo cute!) Anyways it was so much fun to see her smile and have a good time! I am glad that I went because it kind of put me in the mood for my own; I have not at all been wanting to have a shower. Thankfully my mother in law is helping out with the cake and punch and some early arrivers will help me set up the decoration stuff. Im just so excited that its so stinking close now lol. I feel like I have sooo much to do and so little time to do it! Really my husband is the one who has all the work to do. :).

In home news, we are all moved it, it is not exactly as organized as I want but Oh well, I cant do much at this point with limited bending and such. Aida (our husky), has adjusted well. She sleeps alot but Im soooo glad to see her feeling a little better. I think she was sad about leaving the other dog that she hung out with at my in laws but that was a great growing experience for her. She has had no accidents in the week that she has been here. The only thing is that she was not eating at all… unless is was human food and I didnt want to give her any till she started to eat her dog food. Well FINALLY today I took her for a walk and when we came back she went to her food bowl and ate her food (VICTORY IS MINE!). So proud of my baby girl :). She even has been loving on me and sleeping next to my side of the bed the last two nights because Ive been sick (she never sleeps on my side, she loves her dad so much). I had a fever last night and yesterday I was just sick all day long and she just slept right next to me and never left my side, shes still sleeping next to me as I type this.. I love that girl 🙂

Ok, Ill stop all my crazy talk, I really need a nap so I can rid this awful sinus thing I got going on.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful woman in the world, my MOMMA! Im so happy to have you around and I hope it was a good day. I owe you a cake when Im feeling better and I have no chance of contaminating it and getting you sick 🙂

Drawing near

More and more I find myself thinking about this baby in me. I see others post on facebook about their children, and I think about motherhood. I do not want to be a selfish mom. Of course I should not let myself go but I do not want to have the best of the best while my child is mediocre. I will not complain about my child or their health because I know what it is like to not have them here. I will not use them as an excuse to miss out on things or leave work or leave an activity. There will be times of course but I have a good feeling that God will give Brea a great temperament, He knows what I can handle. I will promise to not make people feel sorry for me when Brea’s not doing how I want her to do- because I will love her unconditionally with all of my heart, forever, and again, I know what it would be like if she was not here to do that.

It’s hard to say I wont shove Brea in people’s faces lol, Im going to be so excited. as the time gets closer every day I think about the joy of delivery and seeing her. I just cant think of living without her. This baby will be my baby. Steven and I made her, she came from me, and she will be taken care of by us… that is so crazy. She will always be around for the next 18 years and I will be responsible for leading her through life. What a gift! I wish times were super stable and I was finished with school because this baby brings to the table, feelings of family. Both my husband and I want a lot of kids because he has almost no family (no living siblings either) and besides all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I have just my mom and sister. (although I cant imagine living without aunts, uncles, and cousins. We want to have a family for our kids to fall back on, siblings who will be each others best friends…. I just have to remember that school is not that far away from being over. I only have 16 months from May 2013 till im finished, which will be here before you know it once Brea is born.

I have another ultrasound on Tuesday and I cannot wait!!! and then Oct.25th I have my 4d Ultrasound YAY! October is already here and it is so exciting. That means if I happen to go into labor around 38 weeks, it will be the week of Christmas and that is only 2 months away from October! Oh my goodness! lol. Im praying for a last week of December baby because it will make nerves, money, and everything else under the sun easier. ❤ Heres to a happy healthy baby.

work and babies!

So… hurricane Isaac has basically passed us and did nothing but give us a drizzling  rain storm (thank goodness).

On another note… Since my hubby works for himself, sometimes I can go on jobs with him. Ive missed him so much because hes working about 20 hours a day (for the past 3 weeks). I feel so bad for him, he’s exhausted but the work keeps streaming in (good for money, bad for his health and me not seeing him lol). But we are thankful. So in order to see him a little more I went to work with him overnight last night and now I feel like a semi-truck ran over me lol. Im ok really but I have never walked around and bent over and moved my arms more than last night… ugh Im so sore. I think all the movement rocked baby to sleep last night but this morning after eating shes just having a hay day in there.

I have to go to work today- that should be fun, I can barely move lol.

I know 3 women who are pregnant and due in early September (what an odd coincidence)… So everyone was swearing that the storm would put them into labor. 1 of them- her water broke and shes at the hospital. 1 of them- had contractions yesterday that went away today. 1 of them- I haven’t heard from but will see today. So Im really excited for baby Rolle who will hopefully be here tonight and the best part- she is being born at the hospital that I work at and I work night shifts so maybe, just maybe Ill get to at least see a picture :). Im a firm believer in letting the parents have their time with the baby without interruptions so I dont really want to go visit but I am SOOOO excited for them. I just cant stinking wait to have this baby. Cook baby cook! I am sooo excited for you! I cant wait till Christmas, Ill be 38 weeks and will try everything to convince the baby that she wants to meet me :).

Day off, side pain, crochet

Today is my day off and Im happy about that of course. I am still beyond exhausted, eyes burning, and body limp but its ok.

I am spending today crocheting ( I have a couple of paid projets that I NEED to get done). I also need to make dinner (something I havnt done in like 6 months… sad).

Before I started I want to write about the pregnany of course. (I feel the need to write all of this down so I remember next time and dont feel crazy for feeling something.)

I have this excruciating pain on my right side that stretches around from my back to the top of my stomach. Sitting hurts, laying down hurts…. I guess its just a part of pregnancy and I’m not all that concerned about it but it reminds me exactly of what back labor felt like when I started to back labor with Seth (except this is not running down my leg).  I have been having a lot of cramping in the last 3 days, and a lot of back pain. It does slightly scare me because my doctor said it could be a possibility that I go into early labor since it was only a year ago that I went into labor early with Seth and my uterus will do what it was used to experiencing. So now when I get cramps and back pain, my mind slightly panics because it brings back the exact feelings of labor last time.

Being pregnant for some women is easy (not easy with symptoms). Easy as in they have nothing to worry about their whole pregnancy so when they have things happen to them they just can assume that its normal pregnancy. I on the other hand think of all the things that could be going wrong, trying to keep in mind all of the signs that doctors have thrown at me.

I want to enjoy my pregnancy without having to keep track of ‘signs’. Keeping track of every little feeling makes for a much more stressful time. Dont take it for granted- the ease of getting pregnant, the ease of carrying a baby. The ease of having a healthy baby whenever you can.

Have a good day, going to get my crochet on.

Stay safe rainbow ❤

P.s.-  this is a picture of a 20week baby in the womb (I’ll be 20 weeks in 2 days)…. I cant believe my little girl is so big !?

New things

The past few days the babys kicks are getting a lot harder and becoming more frequent. Its WONDERFUL! I love the feeling (Im 19 weeks 2 days today) .

The only thing is I have been getting awful braxton hicks. They make my tummy harden and it hurts for a good few minutes about 5-10 times a day. I did not really get an braxtons last time.

I am just so happy that Im starting to feel my sweet baby now, its the best feeling ever,

I feel really guilty about today but I just have been feeling weird. I spent a lot of money. I really want to save money right now but 1. I am baby nesting, 2. I want to craft. The problem: we have no space.

I bought quilting supplies because someone is teaching me to quilt and Im make a quilt for the baby… that was expensive. I bought  6 baby hats, 2 soft/bumpy changing table covers, 4 hand mittens, and 5 childrens CD’s, all for $20 (that wasnt a bad buy).  And I had to buy 2 work scrub shirts because of course the hospital is going into a stupid color change where every department wheres a specific color- it SUCKS (2 scrub tops were $43- THATS REDICULOUS- I dont even spend that much on regular clothes!)

I reallly really really really (did I say really) – wish that we had AT LEAST a 2 bedroom place. Right now we have the crib set up where our dining room table used to be (which we had to get rid of to move the crib in) , and we have the changing table in the living room. We have to get rid of the coffee table so we have enough room but Im so upset that I have NO tables- where am I supposed to sew???? :'(. I just wish I had a place to do me things and have a space for the baby. I feel depressed like Im in a rut. We can never get a place as long as Im making as little as Im making and as long as Steven is not making a definite paycheck every week. Working contracts is a NIGHTMARE because we dont know how our future is going to unfold.

Maybe thats why I went shopping honestly, because I just feel stuck sometimes and guilty. I want to have a wonderful home for our child and enough space to feel comfortable and call our own but unfortunately, Steven doesn’t have a normal job. I really want to support him but come January when the baby comes- were gonna have to make some decisions about how we are living.

Cant wait to see this baby and just forget about everything else. I cant wait to finish this quilt. I really do enjoy quilting, I just need somewhere to do it not besides my friends’ houses . I cant wait to see what it looks like finished :D.

anyways, now that Ive done nothing today I should get going ❤

The baby is a….. !!!

If you’re wondering where I went, I have been busy this week with doctors, days off, and practicing for a song that I am singing on Sunday.

So Monday I found out that we are going to have a …. GIRL!!! Oh my goodness a girl! What am I going to do with a girl!? Oh my word Im crying lol. We are so happy and so excited. Steven just kept saying in the ultrasound “I am so happy” over and over. I cant believe it.

^ 17 weeks 4 days. HR:158

^ 17weeks 4 days HR:158

^ 16 weeks 6 days (ultrasound at work 😀 )

It is a little hard. After the ultrasound we got in the car and Steven said – “I just want to go home and cry for the rest of the day, I miss Seth”. Ive never heard him say anything like this before.

These next few months will be full of bittersweet moments as we must take the time to go through all of Seth’s things and sort out the neutral clothes and blankets from the boy ones.

Today Im going to hang out with a couple of my favorite girls from high school (from way back when lol… ok 3 years ago :D) and then try to go to Once Upon a Child (my FAVORITE store) and go through some of Seth’s things before choir practice tonight. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, cant wait to see the baby again (im assuming I will).

I guess I should get up and clean a little bit before I get ready for today. I laughed when Steven told me that the reason he has not put away the pile of his work clothes that are taking up the whole dining room table or washed one cup in the sink that he’s used all week- is because he has been busy…. Wow you mean I havnt worked all week and done all the laundry and been keeping up with everything? lol… I love men, they think they are getting away with so much with their AWFUL excuses. 😉

Cupcakes and friends

I wrote a post earlier, which I deleted. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I was very anxious when I wrote it. I am still feeling very anxious but I want to speak out some good truths because its what I mentally need. I am having a rough night because Im feeling funny and Steven is gone, I miss him so dearly when he is working so far away.

Good things that happened today- I got to see some friends. Even though we all live 30-60 minutes away from each other, we all come together every once in a while and its such a great time!

I made  cupcakes for the first time ever! Heck it was the first time I have ever baked (and it was all from scratch) and they were amazing!!! they were smores cupcakes and DELICIOUS!

I sold a baby hat that I made, it was at a whim using some new yarn, techniques, and my own pattern from inspiration of a very expensive hat on etsy.

I have time to relax to myself tonight, I may crochet, Ive been making swiffer covers, these bobble stitches are soooo awesome and fun to feel, it would be cool to make a soft baby blanket with this stitch.

I have some anxiety starting this new week but Im ready to get through it because next Monday I have an ultrasound and I find out what the baby is!

Im gonna watch some tv for a bit… 🙂 night

Night terrors

Oh man the night terrors of pregnancy! I cant stand it.

I woke up last night sweating, crying, and shaking from a dream that seemed so real. They all seem so real and so scary when your pregnant…Why???

I had this rediculous dream that someone broke in (steven wasnt here [he is out of town right now anyways]) and tried to stab me and I just kept crying ‘dont hurt my baby’ , he hept cuttingmy arms and when he got a crazed look in his eyes he went for my stomach and I woke up screaming. I looked down and noticed that I was gripping my stomach so hard and was sitting up- bent over (that is some deep sleep!).

Dreams never used to bother me till one day…. The night before we found out that Seth died, Steven woke me up and in a panic told me that he just had a dream that the baby died and he dosnt know what he’d do if he lost us. The next day we found out that baby Seth passed away and my blood pressure remained so dangerously high during labor that the nurses and doctors were scared that I was going to have a stroke.

Ever since then, every eerie dream that I have really bothers me. I have had some scary dreams about something happening to the baby that I wont even type out because I just want everything to go right for this baby, even a dream scares me… its sad, I sound like a child but what would you feel like after that happened to you.

I cant stand it, these are not just bad dreams, they are real night terrors. when you wake up sweating, shaking, and screaming, its not just a dream.