Ive been doing fine… but today Im angry. Maybe thats apart of being a woman. I do not want to go to Easter Sunday service. How selfish does that sound? My Jesus died a cruel and inhumane death and I dont want to go thank him this Sunday all because the little kids will be running around in their cute Easter outfits. I dont want to go to lunch after church. I dont want to spend money cause gas is $4 a gallon. I dont want to not exercise but Im cramping and miserable. I dont want to get on facebook because of all the babies/baby name/ baby gender talk. I dont want to be home because Im tired of cleaning, of arguing, of being stressed out. I want to get my own studio where I can go and lay down and sleep and be alone when I want to just be by myself. Im tired of being the one to do everything, clean everything, work for everything, and its not enough still. Is it too ridiculous to be mad that a $100 bowl that cooks things, my husband is putting dogfood in UGHHH, I want to scream.
Im beyond stressed out. Im so sick of these summer months already and its only spring. UGH, this is soooooo much harder than christmas and thanksgiving. Those were one day. These hot warm months are MONTHS of the same thing I experienced last year. All of the smells, memories, heat. All of the people that have had babies and MORE are pregnant now since last year this time. Im so sick of it. Im sick of people asking me EVERY Sunday when were gonna have a baby. EVERY WEEK.
Im promising myself this week that I am going to get rid of my facebook after I save all of my pictures to photobucket or somewhere where they will be safe. I cant stand to look at peoples kids anymore. Im not trying to be mean but nothing is getting easier. Its getting 10 times harder everyday. Every day passing knowing that Im no where close to meeting my next child. I dont have that goal to look forward to like most middle-aged adults. That is the downside to being young. When Im healthy and want kids, my partner is not ready of course.
So if your reading this from facebook and have any of the slightest desire to read this in the future, follow the blog itself before I get rid of facebook.
—–“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” —–
– George Martin
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Health, Infant loss, Jesus, my love, Seth, my baby, Steven, my love, stillbirth, stillborn
Tagged angry, Children, Christianity, Easter, Easter Sunday, facebook, family, Holiday, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, jesus, photos, pictures, Religion and Spirituality, Stillbirth, stillborn, stressed, Sunday
Seth has changed us. I have become very intolerant of the ones that I love or now think of as, thought I loved. I cannot emotionally put up with the junk, I cannot mentally handle it. It has given me insomnia, and literal miserableness. I am at the end of my rope and I dont even know what Im supposed to do now but Im done with it. I have given up in my heart on people that meant to love me once and no longer are even trying to do so. I have given it all of the effort I could possibly give. Im tired. Wish I had someone to hold on to, cry with, and then just move on with for moral support. I cannot say it enough. Im miserable. Is it right to stay miserable when Ive tried everything possible, UGH.
Posted in anxiety, Family, Health, Infant loss, Steven, my love
Tagged angry, family, health, husband, Infant Loss, Insomnia, intolerant, love, miserable, sad, stilborn, Stillbirth
Today I visited Seth. I called the memorial place and they said they place the vase when they set the stone, the vase was just upside down in the stone so it wouldnt get stolen so I turned it over and put two roses in it. One from me, and one for Steven.
There are days like today where I’m angry. I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. I feel like I want to get away from everyone and everything, especially pregnant women. I just cant take it anymore. I cant stand seeing real pregnant people or hearing about people being pregnant, especially people I dont like because they were mean to me in the past. Why do they get the chance and I dont. I just feel so distant and hopeless. Where did everything go, it seems like my whole castle crumbled down and now there is nothing in sight. Everything is in pieces and we arnt ready for a family but why- that makes me angry, I want to. I cant stand it, I just want them to go away. I want to get rid of my facebook because its infested with pregnant women but it has ALL of my pictures of everything including Seths things. My last computer crashed and I dont have anything from that computer and I dont want that to happen again and not have any back up.
Im just thinking so irrationally. Today at the grave site I was laying on the ground (in my scrubs again) and some lady came to put a balloon on the grave next to me and she left and I cried and cried. I thought for a slight second, Ill just dig the grave up and see Seth one more time and put the dirt back…. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? I just laid there while all these maintenance men came by, I dont care. It just makes me mad that people get to see their children every day, women become mommy like after having a baby, things change- BUT what about me? what about my life and my family? Just give me something to believe in that this whole mess will be put back together and I will have a baby soon. I just want to finish school and have my baby. I have not felt a melt down like this for a while.
I think another problem is, We have now officially come full circle to one year of all my thoughts with Seth. Tomorrow on Valentines day, it will be 1 whole year since we conceived Seth . Yes, we made him last valentines day, we did. Valentines day will not be sweet this year, I will not enjoy it. We arnt even doing anything anyways. I just need to spend the night alone, in bed, half-asleep.
Goodnight, vacation could not come any sooner (next week)
Posted in anxiety, death, Family, Friends, Health, Infant loss, Seth, my baby, stillbirth, stillborn, Vacation, Work
Tagged angry, babies, baby, cemetery, child, Children, conceive, Death, emotional, emotions, family, Father, grave, headstone, Home, husband, infant death, Infant Loss, kids, melt down, memorial, mom, Pregnancy, pregnant, Stillbirth, stillborn, Valentine Day, vase, wife
Tired and in a bad mood. Things not going the way I planned. Steven wants nothing to do with the things of my future and I dont want anything to do with his. His future consists of restoring his truck for the rest of his life- I would rather rip my eye balls out of the socket then watch our bank account be sucked up, hear about, or even see the restoration. I dont care. I want a house and babies, UGH… its ridiculousness. NOTHING will EVER be normal. I dont see normal or happy anytime soon because all he talks about is that STUPID truck. One day when Im sitting on my deathbed, that truck is gonna mean nothing to him (or I hope). Its gonna be old and rusty and burnt up and worth nothing. SO GET OVER IT!
Posted in anxiety, Family, Steven, my love, Work
Tagged angry, future, happy, husband, marriage, restoration, sad, truck, Vehicle