4 weeks of school left in this sink hole of life

Whoa,
Today is my last day of clinical. (hopefully if I pass my exam tomorrow).
I have been at a Peds/OB hospital all month and it is very overwhelming.
I am scared. I am exhausted. I just want a job. It is frustrating when you have to walk away from a site with no definite guarantee of a job after you spent all your time and money on your education.
I have been really depressed lately to be honest. I just wish I could get out of this. I just want to lay down next to my mom. I miss her. She always made me feel like everything would be alright. I literally still reach for my phone, scroll to the favorites in my contacts and look at her name before I forget that I cannot call her. If she was here, I would legitimately feel like everything would be ok. My birthday is in 6 weeks and Seth’s is in 9 weeks. On my birthday mom will have been gone for 6 months. Im just not ready to lose my memories of her. My worst fear is: since my mom died while I was so young, Im scared Ill forget what it was like to have her around, or her smell, or touch, or how she played with Brea. Every day it all fades a little more and no one understands. I go to clinical and no one knows, I hang out with friends and no one sees it. I just want to move somewhere, in the middle of no where, and start over life. Pretend like none of it happened. Im still young enough right?
I guess maybe I put a little too much hope in school that it would fill this ginormous mess in my life and now that it is falling though, I see what I obviously knew from the start. School will do nothing for my life. My employment will not matter in this life. It will not bring back anyone. It will not make me feel happier. All it is doing is dragging me further into this pit every time I am let down with the absence of a job.
I have worked really hard. I have been really stressed. I would just like 1 thing to go right and have 1 person root for me. Im sort of missing those things. Just 1 I ask for… It will probably never happen but Momma always told me “Life is not fair Hollie”. Now I see why.
No one loves you unconditionally except for God of course and in that you cannot put any hope in man, in anyone. Do no put your hopes of feeling accepted into anyone. I don’t think other people are concerned about you feeling accepted anyways.
It is nice to completely spew my guts out to someone who will not talk back to me :).
It is probably just depression but sometimes I feel like I should get the right to be depressed here and there. I never get to grieve because I always have to be the rock.

31 days is too long to not talk to your momma.

It has been one month since I have gotten to talk to my momma. As the month has gone on it has become much harder because it is hitting me that she is not coming back. It is the worst feeling, to know that you cannot just call your best friend anymore. I think this month has been worse because I am back on clinicals and I was only back a day from clinicals before my mom passed away. At my last clinical I called my mom every day on my way home and talked to her for an hour. It felt good to hear her voice and get her approval and encouragement. Now I feel so insecure because I drive home from clinical and get depressed thinking about all the things I may have not done right and I get frustrated that I have no confidence. I know I shouldn’t have but isn’t it the human in us to find peace in our moms? Even when she was so sick she sort of made me forget that I have fear. She always told me that I was brave and just go get things done when they need to be done but I only did it because of her, because I wanted to see her smile, get her approval, find comfort in her happiness. Now I have a very very hard time finding comfort. or happiness. I don’t like talking about it too much because I’m sure people get sick of hearing it but the feelings are so overwhelming. It is something you cant explain. I keep remembering when I was first pregnant with Seth and it was the first time I had the flu as an adult, my mom drove 30 minutes to my house, brought soup and Gatorade and laid down with me the whole day, wiped my head, helped me bathe, She was still my momma. I am most distraught that I will have no one for those moments now. It has been a very emotional week. I miss her. I don’t have a lot of excitement to move forward at all…. but I have to. Im a mom. It is frustrating, I just want it to be me sometimes so I can lay down and sleep and cry and not be bothered but Im sure this will pass.

I am at an OB/childrens hospital this month (for those of you who need catching up on my schooling). I have 4 months left of school- 2 of those months are clinicals, 1 of those months are a class, and 1 of those months is our review for graduation. It has been hectic but Im ready for it to end. This waking up at 4AM is killing me. Praying that I get all of my OB numbers this month so I can go where I want to go for my last month of clinicals. 

My sweet Momma.

I have not been writing what I really feel for the last year because my dear mother had been very sick and she read my blog like a hawk. I loved that. She was battling a very rare and aggressive cancer and I did not ever want it to cross her mind that I was giving up on her fight. I never gave up on her.

Last week On Tuesday March 4th, 2014 (4:32pm) at the sweet tender age of 45, my beautiful mother took her last breath. I do not know how I will survive or go on, or just breathe. Everything hurts. When I look at my phone and see her texts, pictures, her name on Skype, her Facebook, I miss her so bad. My body hurts, my brain hurts. I cannot concentrate. I am 5 months from finishing school and I do not know how I will do this. She was the reason I lived to succeed. Now I have no one to encourage me. She was so proud of me. She was so selfless. the day before she died she asked if I was doing my homework because she was worried that I would fall behind. She was thanking the pastor for taking time away from his family to come see her. She was telling me that she just wanted everyone to know that she was desperate for them to believe in Jesus so they could all see her again. She didn’t complain about her pain, she didn’t complain about dying. I watched the bravest woman ever. There legitimately will never be another woman like her in the world. I hope I live to be just like her. I watched her fight vigorously for 1 year and never stop taking chemo, even though it was not working. She had so much to live for- 2 young daughters and a beautiful 1 year old granddaughter.

Anger, denial…. I dont know. I keep thinking shes just on vacation, she will be back. I keep having nightmares that I am laying next to her on that last day we had together. I keep missing her. I dont want to be a mom, I dont want to be a wife. I just want to be a mourning daughter. But I have to keep going, and it is not fair.

I dont want to eat or drink or see people. I just want to sleep for a very very long time. This is the worst kind of pain. Slowly losing my mother over a year, knowing this day was approaching. Slowly seeing her beautiful body transform into a different sick person.

No one will know. No one will understand. I am 22 and have lost my Father, Mother, and son. How in the world could life be worth living. I know people have had it bad but could anyone really understand the pain?

Every night before bed I pick up my phone and realize that I cannot call my mom to tell her about my day anymore. My best friend. She will not be reading this post. She will not like it, or comment on it. She will not be here to hug me when I cry in bed tonight. What will I do when I’m sick and want her to hold me or when I need someone to believe in me?

I dont need her in heaven. I need her here.

Mom, you were the best mom. I dont believe that you are gone. You were only 45. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. We were supposed to go shopping and go on trips and do our hair and exercise together and share my kids, craft, cook…. What happened. Where did it go. I feel so robbed. I feel so lonely. You did everything you could. You never gave up. someone who tried so hard should not be allowed to go. There wasn’t a bad thing about you. We needed more time with you. You were my security. You were my rock. You taught me everything. You never did me wrong. I will miss you. Those are not even enough words to describe how much I hurt. Cancer is ugly and I wish so bad it did not deteriorate you and slowly make your last year intolerable. I wish it was not like this. I dont understand. I am not nearly as strong as I was when I lost Seth. Maybe that has to do with not having you here to support me and put good thoughts in my head. As much as I smile and say I’m good for everyone, I say it because there is no way to explain the emptiness. You were beautiful. I never want to grow old because I don’t ever want to forget one tiny detail about you. There are no words to describe you.

I miss you.

I wish you were reading this.

A year in the making

Christmas time is here. And my baby will be one on the 28th.

I was just looking at pictures and I cannot believe it at all. My little baby… I remember the day I had her and holding her, her looking into my eyes- there was no other feeling in the world that could replace that. Wow a year ago to this day I was so excited. I was walking miles every night to get my contractions going, I was up late at night with heartburn – sitting up watching tv till 3AM. I was wobbling and sore and sick. I was so excited that being a mom was right around the corner. I did not know what was ahead of me.

financial expenses,

sleeples nights,

screaming fits,

rashes,

first crawl,

first words,

daycare,

doctors,

The things I never knew that I would experience… it is crazy. This little girl has changed my life. I wish I could go back to that day that I first met her. I want to feel that love for her forever. I hope that my mom skills grow every day and I hope that I can influence Brea to be a sweet and caring person who loves Jesus. I hope that she sees how hard Im working and I hope she knows that I will always love her, even when I take things away from her, or ground her, or say no to her first date. I love her and I want the absolute best and nothing else.  All of her firsts are coming to an end. This is her last first Holiday- Christmas… I cannot believe it. I never would have imagined having a baby that was grown up. <3.

Ive been so busy I have not gotten to take pictures so hopefully it happens very soon so I can add them to this post.

 

The most meaningful motherhood moment I have yet to experience

I know that I just blogged yesterday but was moved to tears tonight and still am and I need to write this down so I can remember forever. 

After an exhausting day I came home from a late day at school and went straight to pick Brea up from daycare. She was ok as long as I was holding her but tonight she did not want to eat dinner or drink anything, She just whined and whined. I almost pulled my hair out and started to cry a little when I put her to bed because she wouldn’t stop. Brea almost always goes straight to sleep when I put her in bed, she never cries for more than a minute or two. after 20 minutes I finally went into her room and did something I have only done about twice since she was born. I rocked her in the rocking chair. 

The last time I had to do this she could barely lift her head. 

I think she knew that I needed her tonight. As annoyed as I felt when I first walked in the room, it all went away when she lifted her arms up and gripped me with all of her life as I picked her up out of the crib. I sat down and rocked away in the chair and she just hummed and rubbed her hand against my arm like she was petting me. When she settled down enough she stopped making noise and just sighed with relief. She was laying on one arm but she pulled it out from underneath her and wrapped bother of her arms around me, as wide as they would stretch. She hugged me so tight and did not let go.Then she lifted her head and stared at me with her giant eyes and smiled and laid her head back down on my chest. She can barely talk but she told me she loved me without having to say it out loud. My beautiful baby already has a heart. She knew I had a long day. She just patted her hand against my chest as I cried a little bit. I have never experienced a moment like this before. A moment where neither of us had an agenda but to love each other. I didnt want it to end.  My sweet baby girl is almost one year old and tonight we just needed each other. She didnt fall asleep but she was content when I laid her back in bed. She laid her head down, grabbed her blanky, and waved bye bye to me.

Wow, I cant explain how special that was. My baby doll is always waving her arms at me to tell me that she is too big to be held like a baby but tonight she let me do it for a long time and she just loved on me without saying a word or batting at me. 

Special. There is no other words.

This is the exact, EXACT dream I had of Seth. Maybe that is why my heart is pouring out. I literally could close my eyes and see him right there, that same situation with him was all I have dreamed about for a long time. Just holding him so he would know that mamma really did want to take away all of the pain. To let him just rest while mamma makes it all better. 

Thank God for my little angels.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for another year.

A healthy life.

A beautiful daughter.

Lessons learned.

 

I am feeling very very stuck in a rut with school. It is depressing. The teachers are hard on us, they look down on us. They demean a lot, it is not professional and as an adult it is hard to deal with. It is hard to keep a smiling face and stay relaxed when you feel like you’re being bullied. I came here to vent it all out and realize that I had a great weekend and am very thankful. I am halfway through school, I just need to chug and plug and really try hard to forget all of the stress that this school places on my life and just do things that make me happy. School is not what the world revolves around… it will be ok. I am an adult, I can handle this like one.

Feeling a sinus cold coming on and its making me feel miserable… as you can tell from my negative Nancy writing, I am burnt out, very badly. No one would know unless they were doing this. I wish certain people could get a taste so they could understand for five seconds.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to grandmas and took Brea. Grandma is not looking so well. Then I went to my mother in laws. Brea had a fun filled- food day. She loved seeing everyone’s dogs lol. I did a photoshoot with my cousin and her boyfriend, it went beautifully.

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I got to spend some time with my sister this weekend. She gave me a little makeover (did my hair and makeup) and I felt so good about myself for a little bit, it was wonderful. She did a little indoor photo shoot of me, it was so nice of her. She did especially good considering shes never shot manual before and she had no natural light and not even any artificial light. She worked that camera! p.s.- she made the jewelry and will be selling it soon, Ill have to post a link when she does, She is sooooo crafty!!!

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It was so nice, I didnt want the long weekend to end.

I only have 3 weeks. 3 weeks and this class will be over, I will get a 2 week break, and then Ill have a 2 month clinical rotation.

Christmas is almost here!

Brea is almost 1 !

I cant believe how fast this year flew. How many ups and downs there were. It has just been a blessing to have another year to experience all that I have, no matter how annoyed I am at school or people or situations, I have been blessed.

Thank Jesus for more time with my family. I have been given everything I need. I just need to open my eyes and make the right decisions towards happiness.

Lately I have been missing Seth a lot. I suppose it is Christmas to blame. Another year without my baby. He would have been 2 years and 3 months on Christmas day. Our 3rd Christmas without him, Our first with Brea. What would life have been like with a boy? Im not sure. But none of my friends understand. None of them wonder. It’s ok, It is not everyone’s story, and I certainly don’t want it to be. I guess its around Christmas that turmoil can stir and it makes you think about how much you life has changed. Your personality, your family, your entire life. Hopefully one day it will turn into something good…

well thats enough for tonight. I need to get ready for bed so Im half rested for school tomorrow.

love,

night.

 

OB1 class and other things

Its been a while. School is a roller coaster lol. We are finally getting into OB, what I want to do. As I come full circle and realize that this is where I want to be, I am terrified. I am scared to see some of the things that we are learning about. It is not just about women who are having healthy babies or stillborn babies, its also about women who are having very unhealthy babies, or women who are at risk to lose their lives. It is real. It is scary. 

I wish I would have had all of my children before this class because it is the scariest thing to know every single thing that could possibly go wrong because of one small mishap. I have seriously considered not having any more children which makes me sad because I love Brea and Seth with all of my heart and I want so bad to see another baby of mine here in this world. I never wanted just one child. I do desire to adopt one day but i dont know what Ill do. I guess I have plenty of time to decide, it is just amazing how a woman can get through a pregnancy and be fine with all that could happen. 

Every day I ask myself if I am doing the right thing. I am putting my family and I through the ringer and its quite the emotional roller coaster. I just continue to hold on to the hope that this is the field God led me and He will place me where he needs. Im very excited about what Im learning and this is what I want to do. I’ve never been so passionate. I cant wait till school is over.

 

Brea is funny now.10 months. She can pull herself up to stand against things. She eats a lot, LOVES fruit and cheerios! she talks alot. She can carry on a whole conversation in baby talk lol. She is developing an attitude. I can certainly tell when she is hungry, happy, tired, mad. She smiles 98% of the day and loves everyone! I dont see how anyone could not smile when they look at her. 

I have a new camera and have been dying to get good at taking pictures (mainly for the sake of having cute pictures of Brea lol. Today Im going out with a friend to practice. It is soooo nice to have a day off of school. Taking pictures= the most relaing thing I have ever done. I still miss art and I wish so bad that I had time and skill to pick it back up. I miss the release it gave me. 

Talk at you later. Miss my time for blogging like I used to

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